Fancy, when droves appear on

The hill of Holborn, roaring from its top,-
Your ladies-ready, as they own, to drop,
Taking themselves to Thomson's with a Fear-on!

Or, in St. Martin's Lane,

Scared by a Bullock, in a frisky vein,-
Fancy the terror of your timid daughters,
While rushing souse

Into a coffee-house,

To find it-Slaughter's!

Or fancy this:—

Walking along the street, some stranger Miss,
Her head with no such thought of danger laden,
When suddenly 'tis "Aries Taurus Virgo!"-
You don't know Latin, I translate it ergo,
Into your Areas a Bull throws the Maiden!

Nay, fancy your own selves far off from stali,
Or shed, or shop-and that an Ox infuriate
Just pins you to the wall,

Giving you a strong dose of Oxy-Muriate!

Methinks I hear the neighbours that live round
The Market-ground

Thus make appeal unto their civic fellows-
"'Tis well for you that live apart―unable
To hear this brutal Babel,

But our firesides are troubled with their bellows."

"Folks that too freely sup

Must e'en put up

With their own troubles if they can't digest;
But we must needs regard

The case as hard

That others' victuals should disturb our rest,

That from our sleep your food should start and jump us! We like, ourselves, a steak,

But, Sirs, for pity's sake!

We don't want oxen at our doors to rump-us!

If we do doze-it really is too bad!
We constantly are roar'd awake or rung,

Through bullocks mad

That run in all the 'Night Thoughts' of our Young!"

Such are the woes of sleepers-now let's take

The woes of those that wish to keep a Wake!

Oh think! when Wombwell gives his annual feasts,
Think of these "Bulls of Basan," far from mild ones;
Such fierce tame beasts,

That nobody much cares to see the Wild ones!

Think of the Show woman, "what shows a Dwarf,"
Seeing a red Cow come

To swallow her Tom Thumb,

And forc'd with broom of birch to keep her off!

Think, too, of Messrs. Richardson and Co.,
When looking at their public private boxes,
To see in the back row

Three live sheep's heads, a porker's, and an Ox's!
Think of their Orchestra, when two horns come
Through, to accompany the double drum!

Or, in the midst of murder and remorses,
Just when the Ghost is certain,

A great rent in the curtain,

And enter two tall skeletons-of Horses!

Great Philanthropics! pray urge these topics!
Upon the Solemn Councils of the Nation,
Get a Bill soon, and give, some noon,
The Bulls, a Bull of Excommunication!

Let the old Fair have fair-play as its right,
And to each show and sight

Ye shall be treated with a Free List latitude;
To Richardson's Stage Dramas,

Dio-and Cosmo-ramas,

Giants and Indians wild,

Dwarf, Sea Bear, and Fat Child,

And that most rare of Shows-a Show of Gratitude!

I was once for a few hours only-in the militia. I suspect I was in part answerable for my own mishap. There is a story in Joe Miller of a man, who, being pressed to serve his Majesty on anothor element, pleaded his polite breeding, to the gang, as a good ground of exemption; but was told that the crew being a set of sad unmannerly dogs, a Chesterfield was the very character they wanted. The militiamen acted, I presume, on the same principle. Their customary schedule was forwarded to me, at Brighton, to fill up, and in a moment of incautious hilarity-induced, perhaps, by the absence of all business or employment, except pleasure-I wrote myself down in the descriptive column as "Quite a Gentleman."

The consequence followed immediately. A precept, addressed by the High Constable of Westminster to the Low ditto of the parish of St. M*****, and endorsed with my name, informed me that it had turned up in that involuntary lottery, the Ballot.

At sight of the Orderly, who thought proper to deliver the document into no other hands than mine, my mother-in-law cried, and my wife fainted on the spot. They had no notion of any distinctions in military service-a soldier was a soldier-and they imagined that, on the very morrow, I might be ordered abroad to a fresh Waterloo. They were unfortunately ignorant of that benevolent provision which absolved the militia from going out of the kingdom-" except in case of an invasion." In vain I represented that we were locals;" they had heard of local diseases, and thought there might be wounds of the same description. In vain I explained that we were not troops of the line; they could see nothing to choose between being shot in a line, or in any other figure. I told them, next, that I was not obliged to "serve myself;"-but they answered, "'twas so much the harder I should be obliged to serve any one else." My being sent abroad, they said, would be the death of them; for they had witnessed, at Rams

N

gate, the embarkation of the Walcheren expedition, and too well remembered "the misery of the soldiers' wives at seeing their husbands in transports!"

I told them that, at the very worst, if I should be sent abroad, there was no reason why I should not return again; but they both declared, they never did, and never would believe in those "Returns of the Killed and Wounded."

The discussion was in this stage when it was interrupted by another loud single knock at the door, a report equal in its effects on us to that of the memorable cannon-shot at Brussels; and before we could recover ourselves, a strapping Serjeant entered the parlour with a huge bow, or rather rain-bow, of party-coloured ribbons in his cap. He came, he said, to offer a substitute for me; but I was prevented from reply by the indignant females asking him in the same breath, "Who and what did he think could be a substitute for a son and a husband?"

The poor Serjeant looked foolish enough at this turn; but he was still more abashed when the two anxious Ladies began to crossexamine him on the length of his services abroad, and the number of his wounds, the campaigns of the Militia-man having been confined doubtless to Hounslow, and his bodily marks militant to the three stripes on his sleeve. Parrying these awkward questions he endeavoured to prevail upon me to see the proposed proxy, a fine young fellow, he assured me, of unusual stature; but I told him it was quite an indifferent point with me whether he was 6-feet-2 or 2-feet-6, in short whether he was as tall as the flag, or "under the standard."

The truth is, I reflected that it was a time of profound peace, that a civil war, or an invasion, was very unlikely; and as for an occasional drill, that I could make shift, like Lavater, to right-about-face.

Accordingly I declined seeing the substitute, and dismissed the Serjeant with a note to the War-Secretary to this purport:-" That I considered myself drawn; and expected therefore to be well quarter'd. That, under the circumstances of the country, it would probably be unnecessary for militia-men to be mustarded;' but that if his Majesty did call me out,' I hoped I should give him satisfaction.'

"

The females were far from being pleased with this billet. They talked a great deal of moral suicide, wilful murder, and seeking the bubble reputation in the cannon's mouth; but I shall ever think that I took the proper course, for, after the lapse of a few hours, two more of the General's red-coats, or General postmen, brought me a large packet sealed with the War-office Seal, and superscribed "Henry Hardinge;" by which I was officially absolved from serving on Horse, or on Foot, or on both together, then and thereafter.

And why, I know not-unless his Majesty doubted the handsomeness of discharging me in particular, without letting off the rest ;—but so it was, that in a short time afterwards there issued a proclamation, by which the services of all militia-men were for the present dispensed with, and we were left to pursue our several avocations, of course, all the lighter in our spirits for being disembodied.