The Works of Jonathan Swift ...

Col. Well, I must be plain; here's a very bad smell.

Miss. Perhaps, colonel, the fox is the finder.

Never. No, colonel; 'tis only your teeth against rain; but
Miss. Colonel, I find you would make a very bad poor man's sow.

COLONEL, coughing.

Col. I have got a sad cold.

Lady A. Ay; 'tis well if one can get anything these hard times. Miss. [To Col.] Choke, chicken, there's more a-hatching.

Lady S. Pray, colonel, how did you get that cold?

Spark. Why, madam, I suppose the colonel got it by lying a-bed barefoot.

Lady A. Why then, colonel, you must take it for better for worse, as a man takes his wife.

Col. Well, ladies, I apprehend you without a constable.

Miss. Mr. Neverout! Mr. Neverout! come hither this moment. Lady S. [Imitating her.] Mr. Neverout! Mr. Neverout! I wish he were tied to your girdle.

Never. What's the matter? whose mare's dead now?

Miss. Take your labor for your pains; you may go back again, like a fool, as you came.

Never. Well, miss, if you deceive me a second time, 'tis my fault.

Lady S. Colonel, methinks your coat is too short.

Col. It will be long enough before I get another, madam.

Miss. Come, come; the coat's a good coat, and come of good friends.

Never. Ladies, you are mistaken in the stuff: 'tis half silk.
Col. Tom Neverout, you are a fool, and that's your fault.

A great noise below.

Lady S. Hey, what a clattering is here! one would think hell was broke loose.

Miss. Indeed, madam, I must take my leave, for I a'n't well. Lady S. What! you are sick of the mulligrubs with eating chopped hay?

Miss. No, indeed, madam; I'm sick and hungry, more need of a cook than a doctor.

Lady A. Poor miss! she's sick as a cushion; she wants nothing but stuffing.

Never. I can't find my gloves.

Miss. I saw the dog running away with some dirty thing awhile

ago.

Col. Miss, you have got my handkerchief; pray, let me have it. Lady S. No; keep it, miss: for they say possession is eleven points of the law.

Miss. Madam, he shall never have it again; 'tis in huckster's hands.

Lady A. What! I see 'tis raining again.

Spark. Why, then, madam, we must do as they do in Spain.
Miss. Pray, my lord, how is that?

Spark. Why, madam, we must let it rain.

MISS whispers lady SMART.

Never. There's no whispering, but there's lying.

Miss. Lord! Mr. Neverout, you are as pert as a pearmonger this morning.

Never. Indeed, miss, you are very

handsome.

Miss. Poh! I know that already; tell me news.

Somebody knocks at the door.

FOOTMAN comes in.

Footman. [To Col.] An please your honor, there's a man below wants to speak to you.

Col. Ladies, your pardon for a minute. [Goes out.]

Lady S. Miss, I sent yesterday to know how you did, but you were gone abroad early.

Miss. Why, indeed, madam, I was hunch'd up in a hackneycoach with three country acquaintance, who called upon me to take the air as far as Highgate.

Lady S. And had you a pleasant airing?

Miss. No, madam; it rained all the time; I was jolted to death; and the road was so bad that I scream'd every moment, and called to the coachman, Pray, friend, don't spill us.

Never. So, miss, you were afraid that pride would have a fall. Miss. Mr. Neverout, when I want a fool, I'll send for you. Spark. Miss, didn't your left ear burn last night?

Miss. Pray why, my lord?

Spark. Because I was then in some company where you were extolled to the skies, I assure you.

Miss. My lord, that was more their goodness than desert

Spark. They said that you were a complete beauty.

Miss. My lord, I am as God made me.

Lady S. The girl's well enough, if she had but another nose. Miss. O! madam, I know I shall always have your good word; you love to help a lame dog over the stile.

One knocks.

Lady S. Who's there? you're on the wrong side of the door; come in, if you be fat.

COLONEL comes in again.

Spark. Why, colonel, you are a man of great business.

Col. Ay, ay, my lord, I'm like my lord mayor's fool, full of business and nothing to do.

Lady S. My lord, don't you think the colonel's mightily fall'n away of late?

Spark. Ay, fall'n from a horseload to a cartload.

Col. Why, my lord, egad I am like a rabbit, fat and lean in fourand-twenty hours.

Lady S. I assure you, the colonel walks as straight as a pin.
Miss. Yes; he's a handsome-bodied man in the face.

Never. A handsome foot and leg; god-a-mercy shoe and stocking!

Col. What! three upon one! that's foul play: this would make a parson swear.

Never. Why, miss, what's the matter? you look as if you had neither won nor lost.

Col. Why, you must know, miss lives upon love.

Miss. Yes, upon love and lumps of the cupboard.

Lady A. Ay; they say love and pease-porridge are two dangerous things; one breaks the heart; and the other the belly.

Miss. [Imitating lady Answerall's tone.] Very pretty! one breaks the heart, and the other the belly.

Lady A. Have a care; they say, mocking is catching.

Miss. I never heard that.

Never. Why, then, miss, you have a wrinkle-more than ever you had before.

Miss. Well; live and learn.

Never. Ay; and be hang'd and forget all.

Miss. Well, Mr. Neverout, take it as you please; but, I swear,

Never. Why, then, miss, if you go to that, I must tell you there's ne'er a Jack but there's a Gill.

Miss. Oh! Mr. Neverout, everybody knows that you are the pink of courtesy.

Never. And, miss, all the world allows that you are the flower of civility.

Lady S. Miss, I hear there was a great deal of company where you visited last night: pray, who were they?

Miss. Why, there was old lady Forward, miss To-and-again, sir John Ogle, my lady Clapper, and I, quoth the dog.

Col. Was your visit long, miss?

Miss. Why, truly, they went all to the opera; and so poor pilgarlic came home alone.

Never. Alackaday, poor miss! methinks it grieves me to pity

you.

Miss. What! you think you said a fine thing now: well, if I had a dog with no more wit, I would hang him.

Spark. Miss, if it is manners, may I ask which is oldest, you or lady Scuttle?

Miss. Why, my lord, when I die for age, she may quake for fear, Lady S. She's a very great gadder abroad.

Lady A. Lord! she made me follow her last week through all the shops like a Tantiny pig.

Lady S. I remember, you told me you had been with her from Dan to Beersheba.

COLONEL spits.

Col. Lord! I shall die! I cannot spit from me.

Miss. O! Mr. Neverout, my little countess has just titter'd; speak me fair, and I'll set you down for a puppy.

Never. Why, miss, if I speak you fair, perhaps I mayn't tell truth.

Spark. Ay, but, Tom, smoke that, she calls you puppy by craft.
Never. Well, miss, you ride the fore-horse to-day.

Miss. Ay, many a one says well, that thinks ill.

Never. Fie, miss; you said that once before; and, you know, too much of one thing is good for nothing.

Miss. Why, sure we can't say a good thing too often.

Spark. Well, so much for that, and butter for fish; let us call another cause. Pray, madam, does your ladyship know Mrs. Nice? Lady S. Perfectly well, my lord; she's nice by name and nice