POLITE CONVERSATION, &c.

The Men.

Lord SPARKISH.

Lord SMART.

Sir JOHN LINGER.

Mr. NEVEROUT.

Colonel ATWIT.

ARGUMENT.

The Ladies.

Lady SMART.
Miss NOTABLE.

Lady ANSWERALL.

LORD Sparkish and Colonel Atwit meet in the morning upon the Mall: Mr. Neverout joins them: they all go to breakfast at lady Smart's. Their conversation over their tea: after which they part; but my lord and the two gentlemen are invited to dinner: Sir John Linger invited likewise, and comes a little too late. The whole conversation at dinner: after which, the ladies retire to their tea. The conversation of the ladies without the men, who are supposed to stay and drink a bottle, but, in some time, go to the ladies, and drink tea with them. The conversation there. After which, a party at quadrille until three in the morning; but no conversation set down. They all take leave and go home.

ST. JAMES'S PARK.

LORD SPARKISH meeting COL. ATWIT.

Col. WELL met, my lord.

Spark. Thank ye, colonel. A parson would have said, I hope we shall meet in heaven. When did you see Tom Neverout? Col. He's just coming toward us. Talk of the devil

Never. My lord, I beg your lordship's pardon.

Spark. Tom, how is it that you can't see the wood for trees? What wind blew you hither?

Never. Why, my lord, it is an ill wind blows nobody good; for it gives me the honor of seeing your lordship.

Col. Tom, you must go with us to lady Smart's to breakfast.

Never. Must! why, colonel, must's for the king.

[Col. offering, in jest, to draw his sword.

Never. Colonel, as you are stout be merciful.
Spark. Come, agree, agree; the law's costly.

[Col. taking his hand from his hilt. Col. Well, Tom, you are never the worse man to be afraid of me Come along.

Never. What do you think I was born in a wood, to be afraid of an owl? I'll wait on you. I hope Miss Notable will be there; 'egad, she's very handsome, and has wit at will.

Col. Why, every one as they like, as the good woman said when she kiss'd her cow.

LORD SMART'S House: they knock at the door; the Porter

comes out.

Spark. Pray are you the porter?

Porter. Yes, for want of a better.
Spark. Is your lady at home?

Porter. She was at home just now, but she's not gone out yet.
Never. I warrant this rogue's tongue is well hung.

LADY SMART's Ante-chamber.

LADY SMART and LADY ANSWERALL at the Tea-table.

Lady S. My lord, your lordship's most humble servant.

Spark. Madam, you spoke too late; I was your ladyship's before. Lady S. Oh! colonel, are you here?

Col. As sure as you're there, madam.

Lady S. O, Mr. Neverout! What, such a man alive!

Never. Ay, madam, alive, and alive like to be, at your ladyship's

service.

Lady S. Well, I'll get a knife, and nick it down, that Mr. Neverout came to our house. And pray, what news, Mr. Neverout? Never. Why, madam, queen Elizabeth's dead.

Lady S. Well, Mr. Neverout, I see you are no changeling.
MISS NOTABLE comes in.

Never. Miss, your slave: I hope your carly rising will do you no
harm. I find you are but just come out of the cloth market.
Miss. I always rise at eleven, whether it be day or not.
Col. Miss, I hope you are up for all day.

Miss. Yes, if I don't get a fall before night.

Col. Miss, I heard you were out of order; pray how are you now? Miss. Pretty well, colonel, I thank you.

Miss. I mean I am better than I was.

Never. Why then 'tis well you were sick.

Miss. What! Mr. Neverout, you take me up before I'm down. Lady S. Come, let us leave off children's play, and go to push-pin. Miss. [To lady S.] Pray, madam, give me some more sugar to my tea.

Col. O miss, you must needs be very good humored, you love sweet things so well.

Never. Stir it up with the spoon, miss; for the deeper the sweeter. Lady S. I assure you, miss, the colonel has made you a great compliment.

Miss. I am sorry for it; for, I have heard say, complimenting is lying.

Lady S. [To Sparkish.] My lord, methinks the sight of you is good for sore eyes; if we had known of your coming, we should have strewn rushes for you: How has your lordship done this long time?

Col. Faith, madam, he's better in health than in good conditions. Spark. Well, I see there's no worse friend than one brings from home with one; and I am not the first man has carried a rod to whip himself.

Never. Here's poor miss has not a word to throw at a dog. Come, a penny for your thought.

Miss. It is not worth a farthing; for I was thinking of you.

COLONEL rising up.

Lady S. Colonel, where are you going so soon? I hope you did not come to fetch fire.

Col. Madam, I must needs go home for half an hour.

Miss. Why, colonel, they say the devil's at home.

Lady A. Well, but sit while you stay, 'tis as cheap sitting as standing.

Col. No, madam, while I'm standing I'm going.

Miss. Nay, let him go; I promise him we won't tear his clothes to hold him.

Lady S. I suppose, colonel, we keep you from better company: I mean only as to myself.

Col. Madam, I am all obedience.

[Colonel sits down.

Lady S. Lord, miss, how can you drink your tea so hot? sure your mouth's paved. How do you like this tea, colonel?

Lady S. O colonel, I understand you. Betty, bring the cannister. I have but very little of this tea left; but I don't love to make two wants of one; want when I have it, and want when I have it not. IIe, he, he, he! [Laughs. Lady A. [To the maid.] Why, sure, Betty, you are bewitched; the cream is burnt too.

Betty. Why, madam, the bishop has set his foot in it.

Lady S. Go, run, girl, and warm some fresh cream.

Betty. Indeed, madam, there's none left; for the cat has eaten it all.

Lady S. I doubt it was a cat with two legs.

Miss. Colonel, don't you love bread and butter with your tea? Col. Yes, in a morning, miss; for they say, butter is gold in a morning, silver at noon, but it is lead at night.

Never. Miss, the weather is so hot that my butter melts on my bread.

Lady A. Why, butter, I've heard 'em say, is mad twice a-year. Spark. [To the maid.] Mrs. Betty, how does your body politic? Col. Fie, my lord, you'll make Mrs. Betty blush.

Lady S. Blush! ay, blush like a blue dog.

Never. Pray, Mrs. Betty, are you not Tom Johnson's daughter? Betty. So my mother tells me, sir.

Spark. But, Mrs. Betty, I hear you are in love.

Betty. My lord, I thank God I hate nobody; I am in charity with all the world.

Lady S. Why, wench, I think thy tongue runs upon wheels this morning. How came you by that scratch upon your nose? Have you been fighting with the cats?

Col. [To Miss.] Miss, when will you be married?

Miss. One of these odd-come-shortly's, colonel.

Never. Yes, they say the match is half made; the spark is willing, but miss is not.

Miss. I suppose the gentleman has got his own consent for it. Lady A. Pray, my lord, did you walk through the Park in the rain?

Spark. Yes, madam, we were neither sugar nor salt; we were not afraid the rain would melt us. He, he, he! [Laughs.

Col. It rained, and the sun shone at the same time.
Never. Why, then the devil was beating his wife behind the

Col. A blind man would be glad to see that.

Lady S. Mr. Neverout, methinks you stand in your own light. Never. Ah! madam, I have done so all my life.

Spark. I'm sure he sits in mine. Pr'ythee, Tom, sit a little further; I believe your father was no glazier.

Lady S. Miss, dear girl, fill me out a dish of tea, for I'm very lazy.

MISS fills a dish of tea, sweetens it, and then tastes it.

Lady S What, miss, will you be my taster?

Miss. No, madam; but they say 'tis an ill cook that can't lick her own fingers.

Never. Pray, miss, fill me another.

Miss. Will you have it now, or stay till you get it?

Lady A. But, colonel, they say you went to court last night very drunk; nay, I'm told for certain, you had been among the Philistines no wonder the cat wink'd, when both her eyes were out. Col. Indeed, madam, that's a lie.

Lady A. 'Tis better I should lie than you should lose your good manners besides, I don't lie; I sit.

Never. O faith, colonel, you must own you had a drop in your eye; when I left you, you were half seas over.

Spark. Well, I fear lady Answerall can't live long, she has so much wit

Never. No, she can't live, that's certain; but she may linger thirty or forty years.

Miss. Live long! ay, longer than a cat or dog, or a better thing Lady A. O! miss, you must give your vardi too!

Spark. Miss, shall I fill you another dish of tea?

Miss. Indeed, my lord, I have drank enough.

Spark. Come, it will do you more good than a month's fasting; here, take it.

Miss. No, I thank your lordship; enough's as good as a feast. Spark. Well, but if you always say no, you'll never be married Lady A. Do, my lord, give her a dish; for they say maids will say no, and take it.

Spark. Well; and I dare say miss is a maid, in thought, word, and deed.

Never. I would not take my oath of that.

Miss. Pray, sir, speak for yourself.

Lady S. Fie, miss; they say maids should be seen and not heard.