CHARITABLE FRAUD

The Archbishop of Aix, on hearing that his friend Saint Francois de Sales had been canonized, pronounced him a gallant, amiable, and honest man, although he would cheat at piquet."-" But, fir," said some one present, "is it possible that a saist could be a sharper at play ?"" No," replied the Archbishop," he said as a reason for it, that he gave all his winnings to the poor."

LORD ORRERY.

Lord Orrery, the friend and biographer of Swift, had such an unbounded love for the classics, hat he bestowed classical appellations on the domb parts of his household. His dog bore the ame of Cæsar. Cæsar, however, one day giving his lordship a most unclassical bite, his lordship seized a cane, and pursued him round the room with great solemnity, uttering the while, this truly classical menace: "Caesar! Cæsar! if I could catch thee, Cæsar, I would give thee as many wounds as Brutus gave thy namesake in the capitol!"

PETER PINDAR.

up a board, to scare offenders by the notification that" Steel traps and spring guns are set in these grounds;" but finding that even this was treated with contempt, and his fruit, &c. vanished as before, he caused to be painted in very prominent letters underneath-“No Joke, by G-d!" which had the desired effect.

THE SAFE SIDE.

During the riots of 1780, most persons in London in order to save their houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors," No Popery!" Old Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his "No Religion!”

DR. SOUTH.

Dr. South visiting a gentleman one morning, was asked to stay dinner, which he accepted of ; the gentleman stepped into the next room and told his wife, and desired she would provide something extraordinary. Hereupon she began to mur mur and scold, and made a thousand words; till, at length, her husband, provoked at her bebain the next room, he would kick her out of doors. viour, protested, that, if it was not for the stranger

Dr. Walcot, better known as Peter Pindar, ralled one day upon the publisher of his works, by way of enquiring into the literary and other Upon which the doctor, who heard all that passBews of the day. After some chat, the doctored, immediately stepped out, crying, "I beg, Sir, was asked to take a glass of wine with the seller you will make no stranger of me.

of his wit and poetry. The doctor consented to arcept of a little negus, when instantly was preseated to him a cocoa-nut goblet, with the face of a man carved on it. "Eh! eh!" says the doctor, what have we bere?"-" A man's skull," repad the bookseller, "a poet's for what I know." Nothing more likely," rejoined the doctor, fer it is universally known that all you booksellers ink your wine from our skulls."

NO JOKE.

A gentleman residing on his estate on the road Tharking, and within a few miles of that town, ➡ding his grounds trespassed on and robbed, set

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QUIN ON TURTLE EATING.

Quin was asked once what he thought of turtleeating. 'By G-d," said he," it is a thousand pities, that, on such an occasion, a man had not a stomach as long as the cable of a first-rate man-of-war, and every inch palate."

PETER WALTERS.

sword upon his shoulder, our new knight d

A gentleman, not so remarkable for his econo-back, and hung down his head, as if out of c tenance. 'Don't be ashamed," said the ki 'tis I have the most reason to be so."

THE CANON AND VICAR.

my as his wit and humour, was one day rallying the late Peter Walters on his avarice. "For my part," quoth the gentleman, "I don't know any difference between a shilling and sixpence, for when one is changed, it is gone, and so is the ing walk into the town, met one of the vica other."-"Ah," says Peter," my old friend, you may not know the difference between a shilling and a sixpence now, but believe me you will when you come to be worth but eighteen-pence."

THE SENATOR.

A senator, who is not esteemed the wisest man in the House, has a custom of shaking his head when another speaks; which giving offence to a particular person, he complained of the indignity. Hereupon, one who had been acquainted with the first gentleman from a child, as he told the House, assured them it was only the effect of an ill-habit, "for," said he, "though he often shakes his head, there is nothing in it."

THE LAWYER AND THE FARMER.
A lawyer quits the jarring courts
For rural ease and rural sports,
Surveys his newly-bought estate,
And, like all those that wealth makes great,
Thus plied an honest farmer's ear:
"Behold what spacious grounds are here!
Yon park extensive mocks the eye,
Yon house with palaces might vie;
Rich by industry I have grown,
And all thou seest I call my own."
The clown, who very seldom made
A speech of length, in answer said,
"I fancy, Sir, you'd change your tone,
If every one possess'd his own."

EING CHARLES.

A canon of Windsor, who was taking his e the castle gate, returning home some what elev with generous port. "So," says the ca from whence come you?"-“I don't k Mr. Canon," replied the vicar; "I have spinning out this afternoon with a few frien Ay, and now," says the canon, you reeling it home.”

In Queen Ann's reign, the Lord Bried three wives, who were all his servants beggar-woman meeting him one day in the st made him a very low courtesy," Ah! God mighty bless you," said she," and send y long life; if you do but live long enough, we all be ladies in time."

EPIGRAM.

Jerry dying intestate, his relatives claim'd, Whilst his widow most vilely his mem'ry defam "What!" she cry'd, "must I suffer, because curst knave,

Without leaving a will is laid snug in his gra "That's no wonder," said one, “for 'tis very known,

Since his marriage, poor man! he'd no will own.' ""

COLONEL CHARTRES.

The late Colonel Chartres reflecting upo ill-life and public character, told a noblem: such a thing as a good name could be purch. he would freely give 10,0001. for it The no man said, "it would be the worst money he King Charles II. being prevailed upon, by one laid out in his life."-" Why so?" said the col of his courtiers, to knight a very worthless fellow," Because," replied his lordship, "you a and of mean aspect, when he was going to lay the l certainly forfeit it again in less than a week.

riage, she was accompanied by her sweetheart, to
whom she did not like it to be known that she
could not read; she therefore took up the prayer.
book, and held it before her. Her lover wished
to have a sight of it also, but, unfortunately for
her, she held it upside down. The man, astonish-
ed, says,
"Good heaven! why you have the book
wrong side upwards."-" I know it, sir," said
she, confusedly, "I always read so, for I am left-
handed."

THE WORLD A BOOK.

The world's a book, writ by th' eternal art
Of the great author, printed in man's heart;
'Tis falsely printed, though divinely pena'd,
And all th' errata will appear at the end.

JUNIUS'S LETTERS.

When the late Sir Philip Francis was one day at Holland-house, the lady of the mansion induced Mr. Rogers, the poet, to ask the knight if he was really the author of Junius's Letters." The bard, knowing the knight's austere character, addressed him with modest hesitation, asking if he might be permitted to propose a question. Sir Philip anticipating what was to come, exclaimed in a severe tone," At your peril, Sir" upon which Mr. Rogers observed, that "if Sir Philip was really Junius, he was certainly Junius Brutus."

PLAIN TRUTH.

A town beggar was very importunate with a rich miser, whom he accosted in the following phrase: " Pray, Sir, bestow your charity; good, dear Sir, bestow your charity."-"Prithee, friend, be quiet," replied the miser," I have it not."

A dispute having long subsisted in a gentlem family, between the maid and the coachman, a fetching the cream for breakfast, the gentle might hear what they had to say, and decide one morning called them both before him, tha cordingly. The maid pleaded, that the coach was lounging about the kitchen the greater pa the morning, and yet was so ill-natured, tha would not fetch the cream for her; notwithst ing he saw she had so much to do, as not to ha was not his business. "Very well," said moment to spare. The coachman alleged, the master, "but pray what do you call your ness?"" To take care of the horses, and and drive the coach," replied he." You right," answered the master," and I do not pect you to do more than I hired you for; this I insist on, that every morning, before br fast, you get the coach ready, and drive the to the farmer's for milk; and I hope you allow that to be part of your business."

IRISH HONOURS.

STRANGE, MORE, AND WRIGHT. An Irishman boasting of his birth and fas Three gentlemen being at a tavern, whose names said, that when he first came to England, he a were Strange, More, and Wright; said the last, such a figure that the bells rang through all "There is but one rogue in company, and that is towns he passed to London. "Aye," said a Strange."-"Yes," answered Strange," there is tleman in company, "I suppose that was bee one More," "Aye," said More, "that is Wright."you came up in a waggon with a beli team."'

SECURING A PLACE.

saying, a shilling for master, a shilling for myself; A gentleman possessed of a small estate in which he continued till he came to an odd sixGloucestershire, was allured to town by the pro-pence, which puzzled him a good deal, as he was mises of a courtier, who kept him in constant at- willing to make a fair division. The master overtendance for a long while to no purpose; at last bearing his perplexity, said to him, " You may as the gentleman, quite tired out, called upon his well let me have that sixpence, John, because 1 pretended friend, and told him, that he had at last keep the horses, you know.” got a place. The courtier shook him very heartily by the hand, and said he was very much rejoiced at the event." But pray, Sir," said he, "where your place?"-" In the Gloucester coach," replied the other, "I secured it last night, and so good-by to you."

CANDLE-LIGHT WARS.

A woman in the country went for a pound of

candles, when, to her great astonishment and mortification, she was informed they had risen a penny in the pound since her last purchase of them. -"Why," says she, "what can be the cause of ck an exorbitant rise as a penny ?"-"I can't well," says the man, "but I believe it is principally swing to the war."-" Why," cried she, " do they Ight by candle-light.”

MUTUAL ACCOMMODATION.

THE HIGHWAYMAN OFF HIS GUARD. A rider to a commercial house in London, was attacked a few miles beyond Winchester by a single highwayman, who robbed him of his purse and pocket-book, containing cash and notes to a considerable amount, "Sir," said the rider, "I have suffered you to take my property, and you are welcome to it. It is my master's, and the

loss cannot do him much harm; but as it will look very cowardly in me, to have been robbed without

making any defence, I should wish you just to heart," said the highwayman, "where will you fire a pistol through my coat."-" With all my have the ball?"-"Here," said the rider, "just by the side of the button." The unthinking highwayman was as good as his word; but as soon as he had fired, the rider knocked him off his horse, and, with the assistance of a traveller, who came up at the time, lodged the highwayman in gaol.

THE LAWYER AND THE JEW.

Astudent in one of the universities, sent to anoder to borrow a certain book. "I never lend my books out," said he, "but if the gentleman chooses to come to my chambers, he may make use One day, as a solicitor was passing through it as long as be pleases." A few days after, Lincoln's-inn, with his professional bag under be that had refused the book, sent to the other to his arm, he was accosted by a Jew, with, "Cloash ow a pair of bellows. "I never lend my to shell, old cloash!" The lawyer somewhat netdows out," says the other, “but if the gentlemantled at this address, from a supposition that Moto come to my chambers, he may make use of ses mistook him for an inhabitant of Duke's Place, Pas long as he pleases." snatched a bundle of papers from their damask repository, and replied, "No, Sir, they are all new suits,

EQUITABLE ADJUSTMENT.

YORKSHIRE.

A hackney-coachman, having had a busy Wert into an ale-house to regale himself, and is box adjoining to one in which his master A Yorkshire boy went into a public-house, Male. John, not suspecting who was his where a gentleman was eating eggs. The boy her, began to divide his earnings in a man-looked at him for some time, and then said, "Will * sol aacommon among the brothers of the whip, you be good enough to give me a little salt, Sir ?”