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Fide. Indeed, madam, you don't do well to speak so disrespectfully of the captain.

Oliv. Why, you dear, friendly creature, you could not be a greater advocate for him, if you were one of his mistresses stept into breeches!

Fide. How, madam! Where?
Oliv. Ask no questions, but get out the back
way as fast as you can; my husband's coming!
Fide. Your husband, madam!

Oliv. Ay, ay; he came in just before you did;
I thought he was gone abroad again, but I saw
him this moment cross the hall, and he followed
me up stairs-Oh, heavens, here he is!-This
way.
[Erit.

Fide. Hold, madam !-She has clapt the door after her, and the bolt is shot! What will become of me?

Enter VARNISH.

Var. So, now I am somewhat of a more decent figure to go abroad; while the fellow has been getting me a coach, I have made a shift to alter my dress a little.-Ha! who have we here! Nay, by the Lord, you shan't slip by me!

Fide. Pray, sir, do not be rude.

Var. Rude, you rascal! Who are you? And what brings you into this house?

Fide. I did not come to do you any harm, sir. Var. You come here to do no good, I am cerFide. His mistrses, dam? I don't know tain. But now I see who it was my wife expect what you mean. To be sure, I have great obli-ed, and what occasioned her extraordinary trepigations to the captain, and don't like to hear him dation. Damn you, sirrah, I have a mind to cut abused-butyour throat. Come, draw!

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Fide. Oh, pray sir, don't draw your swordpray, sir, don't!

Var. How, a coward! yet dare to do a man the greatest injury in the world! but your want of courage shall not save your life.

Fide. Hold, sir, hold! Do not terrify me, and
I will satisfy you I could not injure you.
Var. Now, quickly, then! What have you to

say?

Fide. I am a woman, sir; a very unfortunate woman!

Var. Ha! a very handsome one, I am sure. It is so-But why in this masquerade?-Well, no matter.

Fide. I hope, sir, you are so much a man of honour as to let me go, now I have satisfied you. Vur. Let you go, madain!

Fide. Yes, sir; you may guess my misfortune to be love, by my disguise; and I dare swear, you will not urge me further on secrets, which concern my honour.

Var. Oh, no, madam, by no means-But I thought I saw my wife turn short upon the stairs just now, and run up in a great hurry before me. Has she not been with you?

Fide. Yes, sir.

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to her for having left me alone with so charming a creature. Lovely, bewitching woman! Fide. What do you mean? Help, ho! Var. 'Tis in vain to cry out-no one dares to help you; I am lord here.

Fide. Tyrant here!-But, if you are the master of this house, which I have taken for a sanctuary, do not violate it yourself.

Var. No, I'll preserve you in it, and nothing shall hurt you: I will be as true to you as your disguise, but you must trust me.

Fide. You don't look like a villain, sir-Help! help!

Enter FOOTBOY.

Var. You saucy rascal, how durst you!— Boy. I come, sir, to let you know the coach is at the door.

Var. Damn the coach!-Well, madam, I shall leave you for a little while; perhaps, when I come back, I shall find you in a better humour. Here, sir, help me in with this fellow, this dishonourer of my family.

Boy. Fellow! Your honour said she was a

woman.

Var. No matter, sir; must you prate?

Fide. Oh, Heavens! Is there

Var. Come, madam, since you will yield to me no other way, you shall, at least, be my prisoner till I have leisure to examine you further -In there, in-I will know you better before I part with you, my pretty masquerader, or you shall have more strength and cunning than I think you have. [Exeunt.

ACT V.

SCENE I.-ELIZA's Lodgings, Enter OLIVIA, ELIZA, and LETTICE. Oliv. AH, cousin! nothing troubles me, but that I have given the malicious world its revenge, and reason now to talk as freely of me as I used to do of it.

Eliz. Faith, then, let not that trouble you : for to be plain, cousin, the world cannot talk worse of you than it did before.

Oliv. How, cousin! I'd have you to know, before this faux-pas, this trip of mine, the world could not talk of me.

Lett. Oh, Lud, madam, here is my master! Oliv. Whither shall I run? Save, protect me from him!

Enter VARNISH.

Var. Nay, nay, come!
Oliv. Oh, sir! forgive me.

Var. Yes, yes, I can forgive your being alone with a woman in man's clothes, but have a care of a man in woman's clothes!

Oliv. A woman in man's clothes! What does he mean! [Aside.]

Var. Come, come, you need not have lain out of your house for this: but perhaps you were afraid, when I was warm with suspicions, you must have discovered who she was.

Oliv. Who she was! Sure he dissembles only to get me into his power; or perhaps my young spark has imposed upon him! [Aside.]

Var. Come, what's the matter with you? If I must not know who she was, I am satisfied without-Come hither.

Oliv. Sure you do know her; she has told you herself, I suppose.

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Var. No, I might have known her better, but I was obliged to go to the banker's; and so locked her into your chamber, with a design to exVOL. II

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Oliv. I am glad on't-otherwise you had been rude with her. But how durst you go so far, as to make her believe you would? Let me understand that, sir! What! there is guilt in your face!-You blush, too!-Nay, then, I see how things have happened—Oh, you base fellow ! Eliz. So, so

Var. Nay, hear me !-Prithee-I swear

Oliv. I have heard already too many of your false oaths and vows, especially your last in the church: Wicked man! and wretched woman that I am!

Var. My dear!—

Oliv. My devil!—

Var. Come, prithee be appeased and go home: I have been so uneasy all day, not knowing where to find you I'll give you every satisfaction.

Oliv. Satisfaction!

Var. Yes, do but go home, and I'll thoroughly satisfy you-and then, too, we'll have a fit of laughing at Manly, whom I am going to find at the King's Arms, where I hear he dined-Go, dearest, go home.

Eliz. A very pretty turn indeed, this!

Var. Now, cousin, since, by my wife, I have the honour and privilege of calling you so, I have something to beg of you, too; which is, not to take notice of our marriage to any person whatever yet a while, for some reasons very import

X

ant to me; and, next, that you will do my wife the honour to go home with her, and me the favour to use that power, you have with her, in our reconcilement.

Eliz. That, I dare promise, sir, will be no hard matter. Your servant. [Exeunt VARNISH and LETTICE.Well, cousin, this I confess was a reasonable hypocrisy; you were the better for it. Oliv. What hypocrisy?

Eliz. Why, this last deceit of your husband was lawful, since in your own defence.

Oliv. What decent? I would have you to know I never deceived my husband.

Eliz. You do not understand me: I say this was an honest come off, and a good one. But what sort of a gallant must this be, who could so dexterously pass himself for a woman?

Oliv. What do you mean by a gallant, and passing for a woman?

Eliz. What do you mean? You see your husband took him for a woman.

Oliv. Whom?

Eliz. Hey-day! why the man he found with you; for whom, last night, you were so much afraid; and who you told me

Oliv. Lord, you rave sure!

Eliz. Why, you did not tell me last night?—— Oliv. I know not what I might tell you last night in a fright.

Eliz. Ay, what was that fright for ?—For a woman!-Fie, this fooling is insipid, 'tis offen

sive.

Oliv. And fooling with my honour will be more offensive. Did you not hear my husband sayEliz. Come, you need not fear, I'll keep your

secret.

Oliv. My secret! I'd have you to know, I have no need of confidantes, though you value yourself on being a good one,

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very I have to make should be public, and before a number of witnesses-she must be made as infamous as she is guilty.

Free. Well, I am your man at any mad work; so here's my service to you-but I must now go look a little after my charge; I have disposed of him in the next room, with lord Plausible, and Mr. Novel, who have been here to day, at the expence of a young Creole, at a turtle feast.

Man. Go your ways, then, I won't detain you; but, I say, you know Olivia's house, and will be sure not to let slip the hour.

Free. I warrant you.

Man. And come straight up to her chamber, without more ado; and bring your charge, and my fellow Oakum, and whoever else you please; the greater your company the better. Here, take the watch-Tis now five o'clock, and at half an hour after seven precisely—

Free. You need not doubt my diligence; I am an old blood, and can naturally beat up a wench's quarters that won't be civil to my friend-Shan't we break her windows, too? Man. No, no; be punctual only.

[Exit FREEMAN.

Enter VARNISH..

How!-Nay, here's a friend indeed! And he, that has him in his arms, can know no wants.

Var. Dear sir! and he, that is in your arms, is secure from all fears whatever: nay, our na tion is secure by your defeat at sea; and the French, that fought against you, have proved enemies to themselves only, in bringing you back to us.

Man. Fie, fie-this from a friend? And yet, from any other 'twere insufferable. I thought I should never have taken any thing ill from you.

Var. A friend's privilege is to speak his mind, though it be ill taken.

Eliz. Admirable confidence! Man. But your tongue need not tell me you Oliv. Confidence! Is this language to me? think too well of me; I have found it from your Nay, then, I'll never see your face again! Let-heart, which spoke in actions, your unalterable tice, where are you? Let us be gone from this heart. But Olivia is false, my friend; which I censorious, ill woman. [Exit OLIV. suppose is no news to you. Eliz. Your very humble servant, my sweet, Var. Why, no- -it is not. good cousin! [Exit.

SCENE II.-A Tavern.

Man. But could not you keep her true to me?
Var. Not for my life, sir.

Man. But could you not perceive it at all MANLY and FREEEMAN discovered, drinking at before I went? Could she so deceive us both?

a table. Free. What, then, you were going to her yesterday evening?

Var. I must confess, the first time I knew it, was three days after your departure, when she received the money you had left in Fleet-street, Man, I did, as I tell you, intend it; but, in her name; and her fears, it seems, did not being detained on the way by an old ship-mate, hinder her from counting it. You must trust just as I had got to the corner of the street, Iber with all, like a true, generous lover! met the volunteer, breathless, and almost frightened out of his wits, who gave me this whimsical relation of his adventure with her husband. Free. Whimsical indeed! Damn it-the fellow must be an ideot!

Man. I am not sorry the affair has happened, however; for, upon second thoughts, the disco

Man. And she, like a mean-----
Var. Jilting-

Man. Traitorous
Var. Base-

Man. Damned

Var. Mercenary strumpet!

Man. Ay, a mercenary strumpet, indeed! for

she made me pay her before I had her. Var. How!-Why, have you had her? Man. Have I!

Var. Nay, she deserves you should report it. Man. Report it !-By Heaven, 'tis true! Var. How?-sure not!

Man. I do not use to lie, nor you to doubt me. Var. When?

Man. The night before last.

Var. Confusion!

Man. But, what-you wonder at it! nay, you seem to be angry too.

Var. I cannot but be enraged against her, for her usage of you;—damned, infamous, common jade!

Man. But you do not, for so great a friend, take pleasure enough in your friend's revenge,

methinks!

Var. Yes, yes, I am glad to know it, since it is so. Man. You cannot tell who that rascal, her cuckold, is?

Var. No.

Man. She would keep it from you, I suppose. Var. Yes, yes.

Man. You would laugh, if you knew but all the circumstances of my gaining her: come, I'll tell you.

Man. Oh, a very buzzard! Did you ever hear so ridiculous a circumstance?

Var. Never, never.

Man. Well, but, my dear friend, I must be gone immediately, in order to meet Olivia again to-night.

Var. To-night! It cannot be, sure?

Man. 'Tis not two hours since I made my young man write to her for that purpose; and she appointed half an hour after seven precisely In short, I am, and I am not, to meet her. It is a riddle, but shall be explained.

Var. But don't you apprehend the husband?— Man. He, snivelling gull, a thing to be feared! -A husband-the tamest of creatures! Var. Very fine!

Man. But I must go to my appointment; you'll meet me here at supper, and then we'll have our laugh out. [Exit.

VARNISH alone.

Ay, I will meet with you, but it shall be at Olivia's-Sure, it cannot be! she behaves so calmly, with that honest, modest assurance, it cannot be true-And yet he does not use to lie—But then, the woman in man's clothes, whom he calls aman- -Well, but I know her to have been a woman

Var. Damn her! I don't care to hear any-But then, again, his appointment from her to more of her.

Man. Well, you shall hear it presently, then; and, in the mean time, prithee go to her, but not from me, and try if you can get her to lend me an hundred pounds of my money; which I am at present in great want of. You may, perhaps, have some influence with her; and I suppose there is no recovering it by law.

Var. Not any; think not of it; nor by this way neither.

Man. What have you in your head, that makes you seem so unquiet?

Var. Only this base, impudent woman's falsehood.

Man. Oh, my dear friend, be not you too sensible of my wrongs, for then I shall feel them, too, with more pain, and think them insufferable.

Var. But why can't you go to Olivia yourself? methinks she, that granted you the last favour, as they call it, should not deny you any thing.-I understand not that point of kindness, I confess. Man. No, you do not understand it, and I have not time to let you know all now but anon, at supper, we'H laugh at leisure together at Olivia's cuckold, who took a young fellow, that goes betwixt his wife and me, for a woman.

Var. Ha!

Man. Senseless, easy rascal! 'twas no wonder she chose him for a husband. She thought him, I thank her, fitter than me for that blind, bearing office.

Var. Take a young fellow for a woman, say you?-'Sdeath, 'tis impossible I could be mistaken! [aside] Sure, he must be a dolt indeed!

meet with him to -night: I am distracted more with doubt than jealousy. Well, I have no way but to go home immediately, put on a riding-suit, and pretend, to my wife, the same business, which carried me out of town last, requires me to go post to Oxford again to-night: then, if the appointment he boasts of be true, it is sure to hold; and I shall have an opportunity either of clearing her, or revenging myself on both.

[Exit.

SCENE III.-Another room in the same tavern. Tables and chairs.

Enter MAJOR OLDFOX, MRS BLACKACRE, and afterwards COUNSELLOR QUILLET.

Old. But how is it possible, madam, that you can prove your son has no right to his father's estate?

Mrs Black. Let me alone for that, sir; I will get a lawyer shall prove black's white, if occasion be. But suppose I prove it by his father's will; I have a will, sir; or can have one made: and how is it he can help himself?

Old. Nay, then, indeed

Mrs Black. Yes, yes, I will shew the villain, that he took the wrong sow by the ear, when he meddled with me: I will lead him such a dance, major, as he never was led in his life; and make him pay the piper into the bargain. Come, counsellor, we shall be quite snug here.-Major, you are sure it was at this house the villain appointed us to meet him?

Old. Yes, yes, madam, I am very sure; and have left orders below accordingly.

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Mrs Black. I say, counsellor, in part I have already told you what I would have done. With regard to this testament, there are three things to be considered

Coun. Ay, madam, we will consider them.

Mrs Black. Well, but hear me out; don't snap one up so I say there are three things to be considered. First, to prove whether the testator was compos mentis. Secondly, whether he was inops concilii. And, thirdly, whether there was a sufficient probat

Coun. Nay, nay, but, madam, this is all unnecessary.

Mrs Black. Unnecessary! What do you mean? Was it not so ruled-Catling, 15th Edward the First, folio B? Was it not afterwards confirmed in the Exchequer-chamber, upon error, from banco regis? Look at your reports, sir-Crook James, 114.

Coun. Lackaday, Mrs Blackacre, you are really talking in the clouds-have got quite out of your sphere!-I tell you, there was no devise till the 27th Henry VIII.

Mrs Black. I say there was, sir.

better than that. Ecod! if it was not for me, many a one, that is saucy enough in the courts, would make but a scurvy figure out of them. Coun. Come, come, madam, that affair of the evidence was very black.

Mrs Black. It is false, sir! It was all a prejudice, because he was an Irishman: but, if there was any roguery in it, did not you draw his instructions?

Coun. You deluded, you deceived me- -But guard your expressions, Mrs Blackacre; guard your expressions; have a care of an action of scandal.

Mrs Black. Odds my life, is this language to me, you puny upstart of the law! You green bag carrier! You murderer of unfortunate causes! The clerk's ink is scarce off your fingers! What a shame it is, that women should not plead their causes themselves, and not be obliged to employ such ignorant mongrels!

Coun. Well, madam, very well! Take notice, you are in the hands of the law. I call you to witness, sir, that this woman has attacked my reputation. Depend upon it, the bench shall hear of you, and my lord chief-justice determine, which is the best lawyer, you or I. [Exit.

Mrs Black. I have not patience! I will have him caned! I will have him caned in the courts, if it costs me ten thousand pounds—an impudent, Coun. You mean, Mrs Blackacre, there was saucy-make a rule against me!And you, madevise in common-law, but not in secundum sta-jor, sitting there, with your mouth open-are you tutum; so that your quotation is quite foreign to a man, a soldier! to wear a sword by your side, the purpose in fine, the whole is nonsense, and and see me treated-Oh, I wish I had a sword! I see you know nothing of the law.

Mrs Black. No, sir! but I will shew you that I do know something of the law; and I will lay you five hundred pounds to your nosegay, that I know more of the law than you do; and you shall be instructed!

Coun. Not by you, madam; not by you! Send your solicitor to me; there is your paper of memorandums.

Mrs Black. Impertinent! My paper of memorandums! Odds my life! Return me my fee, too, then; my five guineas that I gave you!

Coun. Don't put yourself in a passion, Mrs Blackacre; I am always calm. As to your fee, I shall not return it; for, if it was double the sum, I have had trouble enough for it.

Mrs Black. Trouble! Major, did you ever see such usage as this?

Old. Do not make yourself uneasy, madam; I warrant we will be up with him! I will write an essay against him in the newspapers; I can get any thing put in for five shillings and sixpence. Mrs Black. Go, go, you are a silly old ass.

Enter Waiter.

Waiter. What is the matter, madam?

Mrs Black. Nothing, nothing; go down stairs. Make a rule against me! Odds my life! I wish they durst! Egad, the parliament should hear of it!

Enter FREEMAN, Bailiffs, and JERRY.

Jer. O law! My mother quarrelling with the waiter.-What is the matter here? won't she pay her reckoning?

Free. Bailiffs, execute your writ; there is your prisoner.

Coun. To be short with you, madam, you are a person, whose affairs I do not chuse to meddle with; for your causes are such as have been set Bail. We arrest you in the king's name, at the on the left side of the book any time these six suit of Mr Freeman, guardian to Jeremiah Blackyears; and, since your evidence at the last Hi-acre, esq. in an action of ten thousand pounds. lary sittings was pilloried, my lord chief-justice Mrs Black. How, how! in a choke bail actalks of making an order, that you shall not teaze tion? his court any more.

Mrs Black. Make an order! Make an order against me, that I should not teaze! No, no, they know which side their bread is buttered on

Free. Yes, yes; you are taken indeed, madam; and we have discovered your equitable design of providing us with a forged will.

Mrs Black. Undone, undone! no man was

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