Nov. I should have waited on you yesterday evening, according to appointment; but I dined at a place, where there is always such a profusion of good cheer, and so hearty a welcome, that one can never get away, while one has either appetite or patience left-You know that surfeiting piece of hospitality, lady Autumn? Ha, ha, ha! the nauseous old fury at the upper end of her table Oliv. Revives the ancient Grecian custom of serving up a death's head with their banquets! Oh, God! I detest her hollow cherry cheeks!She looks like an old coach new painted, affecting an unseemly smugness, while she is ready to drop in pieces. Nov. Excellent and admirable simile upon my soul! But do, madam, give me leave to paint her out to you a little, because I am intimately acquainted with the family. You must know she is horridly angry, if I don't dine at her house three times a-week. Oliv. Nay, for that matter, any one is welcome to partake of her victuals, who will be content to listen to her stories of herself, when she was a young woman, and used to go with her fat Flanders mares, in her father's great gilt chariot, to take the air in Hyde Park. Oh, cousin! I must tell you Nov. What, Madam! I thought I was going to tell the lady; but, perhaps, you think nobody has wit enough to draw characters but yourself; in which case, I have done. Oliv. Nay, I swear, you shall tell us who you had there at dinner. Nov. With all my heart, condescend to listen to me. madam, if you will Oliv. Most patiently, sir: pray speak. Nov. In the first place, then, we had her daughter, whom, I suppose, you have seen. Oliv. Seen! oh, I see her now! the very disgrace to good clothes, which she always wears to heighten her deformity, not mend it; for she is still most splendidly, gallantly ugly! and looks like an ill piece of daubing in a rich frame. Nov. Very well, madam! Have you done with her? And can you spare her a little to me? Oliv. If you please, sir. Oliv. But, Mr Novel, who had you besides at dinner? tell Nov. Ladies, I wish you a good morning! Oliv. 'Psha! how can you be so provoking? Nay, I take my death you shall not go, till you us the rest of the company! [Stopping NOVEL] who rises.] Come, sit down again: I long to hear who your men were; for I am sure I am acquainted with some of them. Nov. We had no men there at all, madam. Oliv. What! was not sir Marmaduke Gimcrack with you? I'll lay fifty pounds on it! for I know he is courting one of her ladyship's crooked nieces. Nov. Pray, ma'am, let me go. Oliv. Nay, I know another of your company, I hold you a wager of it. Come, my lord Plausible dined with you, too, who is, cousin Eliz. You need not tell me what he is, cousin; for I know him to be a civil, good-natured gentleman, who talks well of all the world, and is never out of humour. Oliv. Hold, cousin! I hate detraction: but I must tell you he is a tiresome, insipid coxcomb, without either sense to see faults, or wit to expose them; in fine, he is of all things my aversion, and I never admit his visits beyond my ball. Nov. No! he visit you! damn him! he's ne ver admitted to any one but worn-out dowagers, and superannuated maidens, who want to be flattered into conceit with themselves; he has often strove to scrape acquaintance with me, but I always took care Enter LORD PLAUSIBLE. Ha! my dear, my dear lord! let me embrace you. Eliz. Well, this is pleasant! L. Plau. Your most faithful, humble servant, generous Mr Novel; and, madam, I am your eternal slave, and kiss your fair hands, which I had done sooner, according to your orders Nov. In my opinion, she is likeOliv. She is, you would observe, like a great city bride; the greater fortune, but not the great-good to be engrossed by any particular friend. Oliv. No excuses, my lord, I know you must divide yourself; your company is too general a er beauty, for her dress. Nov. Yet have you done, madam? Oliv. Pray, sir, proceed. Nov. Then, she Oliv. I was just going to say so-she— Eliz. I find, cousin, one may have a collection of all one's acquaintance's pictures at your house, as well as at sir Joshua Reynolds's, with this difference only, that his are handsome likenesses; to say the truth, you are the first of the profession of portrait-painters I ever knew without flattery. VOL. II. Eliz. You hate flattery, cousin! ! L. Plau. Oh lord, madam! my' company your most obliged, faithful, humble servant! But I might have brought you good company, indeed; for I parted just now at your door with two of the most sensible, worthy men Oliv. Who are they, my lord? Nov. Who do you call the most sensible, worthy men? L. Plau. Oh, sir, two of the brightest characters of the present age; men of such honour and T virtue. Perhaps, you may know them-Count Levant, and sir Richard Court-Title. Nov. Court-Title! ha! ha! ha! Oliv. And count Levant! How can you keep such a wretch company, my lord? L. Plau. Oh seriously, madam, you are too severe he is highly carest by every body. Oliv. Carest, my lord! why he was never three times in company in his life, without being twice kicked out of it, Nov. And for sir Richard! L. Plau. He is nice in his connections, and loves to chuse those he converses with. Oliv. He loves a lord, indeedNov. Or any thing with a title Oliv. Though he borrows his money, and never pays him again. Nay, he carries his passion for quality so far, that they say the creature has an intrigue among them; and half starves his poor wife and family, by keeping a correspondence with that overgrown piece of right honourable filthiness, lady Bab Clumsey. L. Plau. Oh, madam, he frequents her house because it is the tabernacle-gallant, the meeting-house for all the fine ladies and people of fashion about town. Nov. Mighty fine ladies! There is firstOliv. Her honour, as fat as a hostess! L. Plau. She is somewhat plump, indeed! a woman of a noble and majestic presence. Nov. Then there's Miss what dye call herOliv. As sluttish and slatternly as an Irish woman bred in France. L. Plau. She has a prodigious fund of wit; and the handsomest heel, elbow, and tip of an ear, vou ever saw. Nov. Heel and elbow! Ha, ha, ha! Eliz. I find you see all faults with lover's eyes, my lord! L. Plau. Oh, Madam, your most obliged, faithful, very humble servant, to command! Nov. Pray, my lord, are you acquainted with lady Sarah Dawdle? L. Plau. Yes, sure, sir, very well, and extremely proud I am of the great honour; for she is a person whose wit, beauty, and conduct, nobody can call in question. Man. It seems, madam, as if I was an unwelcome guest here: your footboy would hardly allow me admittance; at first he told me you were not at home. Indeed, I did not expect to find you in such good company, Oliv. I suppose, sir, my servant had orders for what he did. L. Plau. Perhaps, madam, Mr Novel and I incommode you; the captain and you may have something to say, so we'll retire. Oliv. Upon my honour, my lord, you shan't stir; the captain and I have nothing to say to one another, assure yourself, nor ever shall: 'tis only one of his mad freaks, for which you will make allowances; salt-water lovers, you know, will be boisterous now and then. Man. Confusion! Nov. We shall have a quarrel here presently: I see she's going to use him damnably. Man. What am I to think of this behaviour, Madam? Oliv. Even what you please, good captain. Man. And is this the reception I meet with after an absence Oliv. And is this behaving like a gentleman, to force into a lady's apartment contrary to her inclinations? I suppose it is Wapping breeding: however, you are fitted for your ill manners. Man. I am fitted for believing you could not be fickle, though you were young; could not dissemble love, though it was for your interest; nor be vain, though you were handsome; nor break your promise, though to a parting lover. But I take not your contempt of me worse than your keeping company with and encouraging these things here. Nov. Things! L. Plau. Let the captain rally a little. [Erit. thing? Nov. No, since my lord says you speak in rail- | Swagger-huff! and be saucy with your mistress, lery. L. Plau. No, madam, let him go on; for, perhaps, he may make you laugh; and I would contribute to your pleasure any way. Man. Obliging coxcomb! Oliv. No, noble captain, you cannot think any thing would tempt me more than that heroic title of yours, captain! for you know we women love honour inordinately. Nov. Ha, ha, ha! I cannot hold; I must laugh at you, faith, Mr Manly! L. Plau. And i'faith, dear captain, I beg your pardon, and leave to laugh at you, too; though I protest I mean you no hurt Man. Peace, you buffoons! And be not you vain, that these laugh on your side; for they will laugh at their own dull jests: but no more of them; for I will only now suffer this lady to be witty. Oliv. You would not have your panegyric interrupted! I go on, then, to your honour. Is there any thing more agreeable than the pretty oddity of that? Then the greatness of your courage! which most of all appears in your spirit of contradiction: for you dare give all mankind the lye; and your opinion is your only mistress; for you renounce that, too, when it becomes another man's. L. Plau. Ha, ha, ha! Nov. Ha, ha, ha! Man. Why, you impudent, pitiful wretches! You presume, sure, upon your effeminacy, to urge me; for you are all things so like women, it might be thought cowardice to chastise you. Oliv. No hectoring, good captain! Man. Or, perhaps, you think this lady's presence secures you; but have a care; she hath talked herself out of all the respect I had for her; and, by using me ill before you, hath given me a privilege of using you so before her-therefore, begone immediately! Nov. Begone! what! L. Plau. Nay, worthy, noble, generous captain! Man. Begone, I say ! Noo. Well, Madam, we'll step into the next Toom; you will not stay long with him I suppose. Fal, lal! [Exeunt LORD PLAUSIBLE and NOVEL. Oliv. Turn hither your rage, good captain like a true captain; but be civil to your rivals and betters; and do not threaten any thing but me here; no, not so much as my windows: do not think yourself in the lodgings of one of your suburb mistresses beyond the tower. Man. Do not you give me the cause to think so! for those less infamous women part with their lovers, just as you did from me, with unforced vows of constancy, and floods of willing tears; but the same winds bear away their lo vers and their vows; and for their griefs, if the credulous, unexpected fools return, they find new comforters, such as I found here; the mercenary love of these women, too, suffers shipwreck with their lovers' fortune: you have heard, that chance has used me indifferently, and you do so too. Well, persevere in your ingratitude, falsehood, and disdain; be constant in something; and I promise to be as just to your real scorn, as I was to your feigned love; and henceforward despise, loath, and detest you most faithfully. Olio. I'll wait upon you again in a minute. [Erit. Enter FIDELIA and FREEMAN. Free. How now, captain! Man. Pray keep out of my way; dont speak to me. Fide. Dear sir, what's the matter? Man. Blockhead! Oh, Freeman! I have been so cheated, so abused, by this perfidious Free. Nay, sir, you need not tell us, for we have been for some time within hearing in the next room. But now, I hope, you will act as becomes you. Man. I hope so, too. Fide. Do you but hope it, sir? Man. She has restored my reason with my heart. Free. But there are other things, captain, which, next to a man's heart, he would not part with, and, methinks, she ought to restore, too; I mean your money and jewels, sir; which, I understand, she has. Man. What's that to you, sir? Free. Pardon me; whatever belongs to you, I have a share in, I am sure, which I will not lose for want of asking; though you may be too ge nerous, or too angry, now, to do it yourself. Fide. Nay, then I'll make bold, too-→→→ Man. Hold, you impertinent, officious--how have I been deceived! Enter OLIVIA. Free. Madam, excuse this liberty--but we are captain Manly's friends, and have accidentally been witnesses to your disagreement. Oliv. And what am I to infer from thence, sir? Free. Why, then, Madam, there are certain appurtenances to a lover's heart, called jewels, which always go along with it. Fide. And with lovers, madam, have no value, but from the heart they come with-our captain's, it seems, you scorn to keep; much more those worthless things without it, I am confident. to attack her—and, if you will take my advice, you'll stay too; if it be only to see this major Oldfox, her supernumerary 'squire, her occasional gentleman usher: he is a character, I assure you. Man. No; confound him, he is as bad as the cockatrice herself, whom I would avoid as a sinking ship, and the whole sex, for ever. [Exit with FIDELIA. Enter MRS BLACK ACRE, JERRY, and MAJOR OLDFOX. Oliv. I understand you, gentlemen. Captain, your young friend, here, has a very persuading face, I must confess; but you might have asked me yourself for those trifles you left with me, which-hark you a little-for I dare trust you with a secret, you are a man of so much honour I am sure I say, then, considering the chance of war, the danger of the seas, and being in doubt whether you might ever return again, I have de-kind relation? livered your jewels and money to Man. Whom? Oliv. My husband. Man. Your husband! Oliv. Aye, my husband. For, since you could leave me, I am lately and privately married to one, who is a man of so much honour and experience, that I dare not ask him for your things again, to restore them to you, lest he should conclude you never would have parted with them to me on any other score than the exchange of my virtue; which, rather than you would bring into suspicion Man. Triumphant impudence! Married! Oliv. There's no resisting one's destiny, or love, you know. Man. Damnation ! Mrs Black. "Tis an arrant sea-ruffian! I thought he would have pushed us down, major. Jerry, where's my paper of memorandums? Give it me. So! where's my cousin Olivia, now-my Free. Here's one that would be your kind relation, madam. Mrs Black. Hey day! who is this wild rude fellow? Jer. Why, dont you know him? It's the man, that wanted to fall aboard you at Captain Manly's this morning. Old. Pray be civil to the lady, Mr- -, she is a person of quality—a person, that is, no per son Free. Yes, but she is a person, that is, a widow. Be you civil to her; because you are to pretend only to be her 'squire, to arm her to her lawyer's chambers: but I will be impudent and forward; for she must love and marry me. Mrs Black. Marry come up; you saucy, familiar puppy ! Marry you! God forgive me! now-a-days, every idle young rascal, with a laced waistcoat, and a bit of black ribbon in his hat, thinks to carry away any widow of the best deseegree. Oliv. Oh, dont swear! 'Tis true, my husband is now absent in the country; however, he returns shortly; therefore I beg, for your own ease and quiet, and my reputation, you will never me more. Man. I wish I never had seen you! Oliv. You may perceive, by this, how great a dependance I have upon your friendship: I am sensible every man might not be talked to in the same manner; but your uncommon delicacy of thinking will, I am sure, feel for a person in my nice circumstances. Man. True, perfect woman! and if I could say any thing more injurious to you I wouldLeave me; go! lest I should be tempted to do something, which may hereafter make me think as meanly of myself, as I do now of you. Oliv. Šir, it is a maxim with me never to stay in any place, where my company is disagreeable: I obey you with all willingness-young gentleman, your servant. [Exit OLIVIA. Enter Footboy. Boy. Here are Madam Blackacre, and Major Oldfox, to wait on my lady. Man. Do you hear that? Let's be gone before he comes. Free. Excuse me; the widow is the very game I have in view; I wanted just such an opportunity Old. No, no, soft! you are a young man, and not fit; besides, others have laid in their claims before you. Free. Not you, I hope! Old. Why, not I, sir? Sure I am a much more proportionable match for her than you, sir; I, who am a person of rank and means in the world, and of equal years Mrs Black. How's that? you unmannerly-I would have you to know I was born in ann. secun Georgii prim- Old. Your pardon, madam, your pardon; be not offended-but I say, sir, you are a beggarly younger brother; twenty years younger than she; without any land or stock, but your great stock of impudence: therefore, what pretensions can you have to her? Mrs Black. And what pretensions have you, major? Go and solicit a brevet for Chelsea Hospital, you old mummy! Air yourself there under the cloisters; smoke your pipe, and make love to your laundress: you shall have a widow with three thousand pounds a year, you shall, you barbarous brute! Old. How, madam! Free. Ha, ha, ha! Jer. Well said, mother! use all suitors thus for my sake. Mrs Black. A senseless, impertinent, quibbling, scribbling, feeble, paralytic, conceited, ridiculous, pretending, old bellweather! you-a debauched, drunken, hectoring, lewd, gaming, spend-thrift. Jer. There's for you, bully-rock! Mrs Black. A worn-out rake at five-and-twenty, both in body and estate a cheating, lying, cozening, impudent fortune-hunter! and would patch up your own broken income with the ruins of my jointure. Jer. Hey! brave mother for calling names! Mrs Black. Would you make a caudle-maker, a nurse of me? Can't you be bed-rid without a Jer. Ay, and make havock of our estate perbed-fellow? Won't your swan-skins, furs, flan-sonal, and of all our gilt plate-I should soon be nels, and the scorched trencher, keep you warm picking up our silver-handled knives and forks, there? Would you make me your Scotch warm-spoons, mugs, and tankards, at most of the pawning pan, with a plague to you! brokers' between the Hercules pillars and the boatswain at Wapping. And you would be scour ing among my trees, and making them play at loggerheads, would you? Jer. Ay, you old fobus, and you would be my guardian, would you? to take care of my estate, that half of it should never come to me, by letting leases at pepper-corn rents? Mrs Black. I would have you to know, you Mrs Black. If I would have married an old pitiful, paltry, lath-backed fellow, if I would have man, it is well known I might have married an married a young man, it is well known I might earl. Nay, what's more, a judge, and been co-have had any young heir in Norfolk; nay, the vered the winter nights with the lamb-skins, which I prefer to the ermines of nobles. And do you think I would wrong my poor minor here, for you? hopefullest young man this day at the King's Bench bar! I, that am a relict, and executrix of known plentiful assets and parts, who understand myself and the law; and would you have me Free. Your minor is a chopping minor; Header covert baron again? No, sir, no covert baven bless him! Old. Your minor may be a major of horse or foot for his bigness: and it seems you will have the cheating of your minor yourself. Mrs Black. Pray, sir, bear witness: cheat my minor! I'll bring my action of the case, for the slander. Free. Nay, I would bear false witness for you now, widow, since you have done me justice, and thought me the fitter man! Mrs Black. Fair and softly, sir! 'tis my minor's case more than my own: and now I must do him justice on you. And, first, you are, to my knowledge-for I am not unacquainted with ron for me. Free. Well; but, dear madam e un Mrs Black. Fie, fie! I neglect my business with this foolish discourse of love!-Jerry, child, let me see a list of the jury; I am sure my cousin Olivia must have some acquaintance among them: But where is she? Free. Will you not allow me one word, then? Mrs Black. No, no, sir; have done, pray. Old. Ay, pray, sir, have done, and don't be troublesome; since you see the lady has no occasion for you, though you are a younger brother. la, ha, ha! [Exeunt. SCENE I.-A view of St James's Park. ACT III. MANLY enters alone, musing. How irksome is restraint to a mind naturally averse to hypocrisy! Yet I, who used to give birth to my thoughts as freely as I conceived them; I, who was wont to speak without reserve to every body; am now endeavouring even to deceive myself. That ungrateful woman, in whom I placed such unlimited confidence! into whose keeping I had given my heart, my judgment, nay, my very senses! 'Sdeath! had a man treated me ill, resentment would at once have cancelled regard, and revenge have prevented vexation; but here, I am obliged to side with my enemy, and increase the injuries she hath done me, by loving her in spite of them. Enter FIDELIA. Fide. Sir, have I liberty to speak to you? Man. What would you say? You see this is no place to talk in; don't trouble me now. Fide. I shall not detain you long, sir; and you may bear to hear two or three words from me, though you do hate me, as you have often said. Man. I must confess I hate a flatterer: why will you not learn to be a man, and scorn that mean, that sneaking vice? Fide. Perhaps I am to blame, sir; but I do not come to offend you at present-I have something to tell you, if you will vouchsafe to listen to me. Who do you think I met on the other side of the park just now, sir? Man. Nay, how should I know? Prithee, kind impertinence, leave me. You are as hard to |