The British Drama: pt. 1-2. Comedies

It was my plot; alas, my credulous husband!

The lady told you, too

Per. Most strange things of thee.

And view them right

Caca. To doubt them is an heresy.

Estif. A thousand ducats; 'tis upon necessity

Estif. Still 'twas my way, and all to try your Of present use; her husband, sir, is stubborn.

suffrance.

Per. I would believe thee,

Caca. Long may he be so.

Estif. She desires, withal,

A better knowledge of your parts and person,

And when you please to do her so much ho

nour

Caca. Come, let's dispatch.

Estif. In truth I've heard her say, sir,

But Heaven knows how my heart is; will ye Of a fat man she has not seen a sweeter.

follow me?

Estif. I'll be there straight.

Per. I'm fooled, yet dare not find it.

Estif. Go, silly fool; thou may'st be a good
soldier

In open fields, but for our private service
Thou art an ass.

Enter CACAFOGO.

Here comes another trout, that I must tickle,
And tickle daintily, I've lost my end else.
May I crave your leave, sir?

Caca. Prithee, be answered, thou shalt crave
no leave;

I am in my meditations; do not vex me;
A beaten thing! but this hour a most bruised
thing,

That people had compassion on, it looked so!
The next sir Palmerin. Here's fine proportion!
An ass, and then an elephant. Sweet justice!
There's no way left to come at her now, no cra-
ving;

If money could come near, yet I would pay him;
I have a mind to make him a huge cuckold,
And money may do much; a thousand ducats!
'Tis but the letting blood of a rank heir.

Estif. Pray you, hear me.

[Exit.

Juan. I am commanded.
Duke. A fellow founded out of charity,
And moulded to the height, contemn his maker,
Curb the free hand that framed him!
It must not be.

San. That such an oyster-shell should hold a
pearl,

Caca. I know thou hast some wedding-ring to And of so rare a price, in prison!

What is thy will? I turn me wholly to ye;

Was she made to be the matter of her own un

doing,

To let a slovenly, unwieldy fellow,
Unruly and self-willed, dispose her beauties?
We suffer all, sir, in this sad eclipse:

She should shine, where she might shew like her

self,

An absolute sweetness, to comfort those admire

her,

And shed her beams upon her friends.
We are gulled all,

And talk now till thy tongue ache, I will hear ye. And all the world will grumble at your patience,

Estif. She would intreat you, sir

: Caca. She shall command, sir;

If she be ravished thus.

Duke. Ne'er fear it, Sanchio;

Let it be so; I beseech thee, my sweet gentle- We'll have her free again, and move at court

woman,

Do not forget thyself.

Estif. She does command, then,

This courtesy, because she knows you're noble.
Caca. Your mistress by the way?

Estif. My natural mistress.

Upon these jewels, sir, they're fair and rich,

In her clear orb. But one sweet handsomeness

To bless this part of Spain, and have that slub

bered!

Alon. 'Tis every good man's cause, and we must stir in it.

Duke. I'll warrant ye, he shall be glad to please us,

ed me;

Bid her be lusty, she must make a soldier.
Go, take down all the hangings,
And pack up all my clothes, my plate and jewels,
And all the furniture, that's portable,
Sir, when we lie in garrison, 'tis necessary
We keep a handsome port, for the king's honour.
And, do you hear? let all your lady's wardrobe
Be safely placed in trunks; they must along too.
Ser. Whither must they go, sir?

Leon. To the wars, Lorenzo.

Ser. Must my mistress go, sir?

ye entirely, sir, brought to consider
The goodness of your mind and mine own duty,
But lose you instantly; be divorced from ye!
This is a cruelty. I'll to the king,

And tell him 'tis unjust to part two souls,
Two minds so nearly mixed.

Leon. By no means, sweet-heart.

Mar, If he were married but four days, as I amLeon. He'd hang himself the fifth, or fly his [Aside.

country.

Mar. He'd make it treason for that tongue,
that durst

But talk of war, or any thing to vex him,
You shall not go.

Leon. Indeed I must, sweet wife.
What, should I lose the king for a few kisses?
We'll have enough.

Mar. I'll to the duke, my cousin; he shall to the king.

Leon. He did me this great office;

I thank his grace for it: should I pray him now To undo it again? Fie, 'twere a base discredit. Mar. Would I were able, sir, to bear you company!

How willing should I be then, and how merry! I will not live alone.

Leon. Be in peace, you shall not.

[Knocking within. Mar. What knocking's this? Oh, Heaven, my head! Why, rascal,

I think the wars begun in the house already. Leon. The preparation is, they are taking down

And packing up the hangings, plate and jewels, And all those furnitures, that shall befit me, When I lie in garrison.

We shall find shipping for't there to transport it. Mar. I go? Alas!

Leon. I'll have a main care of ye:

Leon. Ay, your mistress, and you, and all must I know you are sickly; he shall drive the easier,

And all accommodation shall attend ye.
Mar. Would I were able!

Leon. Come, I warrant ye.

Am not I with ye, sweet? Are her clothes packed up,

And all her linen? Give your maids direction : You know my time's but short, and I'm com

manded.

Mar. Let me have a nurse,
And all such necessary people with me;
An easy bark.

Leon. It shall not trot, I warrant ye;
Curvet it may sometimes.

Mar. I am with child, sir.

Leon. At four days warning! This is samething speedy.

Do you conceive as our jennets do, with a west | To such a desolation and discredit, as

wind?

My heir will be an errant fleet one, lady.

Her weakness and your hot will would work her to.

Mar. You must provide a cradle, and what a Fie, fie, for shame!

trouble's that!

Leon. The sea shall rock it;

Enter PEREZ.

'Tis the best nurse; 'twill roar and rock to- What mask is this now?

More tropes and figures to abuse my sufferance!
What cousin's this?

Juan. Michael Van Owle, how dost thou?
In what dark barn, or tod of aged ivy,
Hast thou lain hid?

Per. Things must both ebb and flow, colonel,
And people must conceal and shine again.
You're welcome hither, as your friend may say,
gentlemen;

A pretty house, ye see, handsomely seated, Sweet and convenient walks, the waters crystal. Alon. He's certain mad.

Juan. As mad as a French tailor, that Has nothing in his head but ends of fustians. Per. I see you're packing now, my gentle cousin,

And my wife told me I should find it so; 'Tis true I do : you were merry, when I was last here:

But 'twas your will to try my patience, madam. I'm sorry, that my swift occasions

Can let you take your pleasure here no longer; Yet I would have you think, my honoured cousin, This house, and all I have, are all your servants. Leon. What house, what pleasure, sir? what do you mean?

Per. You hold the jest so stiff, 'twill prove discourteous.

This house I mean; the pleasures of this place. Leon. And what of them?

Per. They're mine, sir, and you know it: My wife's, I mean, and so conferred upon me. The hangings, sir, I must entreat your servants, That are so busy in their offices,

Again to minister to their right uses.

I shall take view of the plate anon, and furnitures, That are of under place. You're merry still, cousin,

And of a pleasant constitution:

Men of great fortunes make their mirths ad pla

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Leon. Good-morrow, my sweet Mahound cousin.

You are welcome-welcome all-my cousin tooWe are soldiers, and should naturally do for one another.

Per. By this hand she dies for't, Or any man that speaks for her. These are fine toys.

[Exit PEREZ. Mar. Let me request you stay but one poor month;

You shall have a commission, and I'll go, too.
Give me but will so far.

Leon. Well, I will try ye.

Good-morrow to your grace; we've private busi

SCENE II-A Street.

Enter PEREZ.

Per: Had I but lungs enough to bawl sufficiently,

That all the queans in Christendom might hear

me,

That men might run away from the contagion,
I had my wish. Would it were made high treason,
Most infinite high, for any man to marry;
I mean, for a man, that would live handsomely,
And like a gentleman, in's wits and credit.
What torments shall I put her to?

Cut her in pieces, every piece will live still,
And every morsel of her will do mischief.
They have so many lives, there's no hanging of
them.

They are too light to drown, they're cork and feathers;

To burn too cold, they live like salamanders:
Under huge heaps of stones to bury her,
And so depress her as they did the giants?
She will move under more than built old Babel.
I must destroy her..

Enter CACAFOGO, with a casket.

Caca. Be cozened by a thing of clouts! a she moth,

That every silkman's shop breeds! To be cheated, And of a thousand ducats, by a whim-wham!

Per. Who is he, that's cheated? Speak again, thou vision!

Per. It is no matter. By a woman cozened, A real woman!

Caca. By a real devil.

Plague of her jewels, and her copper chains,
How rank they swell!

Per. Sweet, cozened sir, let's see them.

I have been cheated, too; I would have you note that;

And lewdly cheated, by a woman also,
A scurvy woman. I am undone, sweet sir;
Therefore, I must have leave to laugh.

Caca. Pray ye, take it ;

You are the merriest undone man in Europe. What need we fiddles, bawdy songs, and sherry, When our own miseries can make us merry?

Per. Ha, ha, ha!

I've seen these jewels: what a notable pennyworth

Have you had! You will not take, sir,
Some twenty ducats-

Caca. Thou'rt deceived; I will take-
Per. To clear your bargain, now.
Caca. I'll take some ten,

Some any thing, some half ten, half a ducat.
Per. An excellent lapidary set these stones,

sure:

D'ye mark their waters?

Caca. Quicksands choak their waters,

And her's that brought them, too! but I shal find her.

Per. And so shall I, I hope: but do not hurt

her.

If you had need of cozening, as you may have,
(For such gross natures will desire it often;

But art thou cheated? Minister some comfort.
Tell me, I conjure thee, art thou cheated brave-Tis, at sometimes too, a fine variety)

ly?

Come, prithee come; art thou so pure a coxcomb,

To be undone? Do not dissemble with me.
Caca. Then keep thy circle:

For I'm a spirit wild, that flies about thee;
And, whosoe'er thou art, if thou be'st human,
I'd let thee plainly know, I'm cheated damnably.
Per. Ha, ha, ha!

Caca. Dost thou laugh? Damnably, I say, most damnably.

Per. By whom, good spirit? Speak, speak! Ha, ha, ha!

Caca. I'll utter; laugh till thy lungs crack; by a rascal woman!

A lewd, abominable, and plain woman!
Dost thou laugh still?

Per. I must laugh; prithee pardon me,

I shall laugh terribly.

Caca. I shall be angry, Terribly angry; I have cause.

Per. That's it;

And 'tis no reason but thou shouldst be angry, Angry at heart; yet I must laugh still at thee. By a woman cheated! Art sure it was a woman? Caca. I shall break thy head; my valour itches at thee,

You cannot find, in all this kingdom,
A woman, that can cozen ye so neatly.
She has taken half mine anger off with this trick.

[Erit.

Caca. If I were valiant now, I'd kill this fel low,

I've money enough lies by me, at a pinch,
To pay for twenty rascals' lives, that vex me.
I'll to this lady; there I shall be satisfied.

SCENE III.-A street.

[Exit.

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