Pagina-afbeeldingen
PDF
ePub

1

candles, through every avenue of her spirit, which will appear by the next quotation from her Diary.

Barnton, June 21.-Being detained by sickness from public worship, I shall endeavour to employ this day in examination of my heart in the presence of God, to inquire into the cause of the decline I feel of the spiritual life in my soul. The symptoms are, reluctance to, and deadness in prayer,—disrelish for the word of God, and darkness upon my mind when reading it,-wandering thoughts in hearing, and in social prayer,-no desire to speak to others about their souls; not seeking opportunities of doing so, and rather shunning them, and when I am at any time obliged to do it, can say nothing to edification. I join more readily than I used to do in worldly conversation, and do not find it so tiresome as formerly. In the morning, instead of waking with the Lord, and finding his word upon my heart, I often find worldly thoughts there, which take such violent possession of me, that I cannot drive them out, even when I go to prayer. I feel a general decay of all the graces of the Spirit in my soul. The importunities of the poor weary me, instead of rejoicing, as I ought to do, in the privilege of relieving the wants of the needy. I feel grieved at the numbers who apply to me, and fear giving to them, lest I should not have enough left for the plans I have laid, not considering, that if the Lord calls for it in this way, and I give in obedience to his command, he will either supply me for the other purposes I have in view, or not call for the execution of them. I feel my conscience less tender than it used to be, my heart hard, and not grieved at the neglect of duty. I am apt to abuse the doctrine of free grace, and say in my heart," If once in Christ, always in Christ; why then should I be afraid?" Thus I sit

down contented in false peace. O Lord, wherefore is it thus with me? Thou only knowest; search me and try me. Is there an Achan in the camp? let him be brought forth this day and slain before thee. Whatever pain it may give, yet spare it not, O my God! I am thy servant, let not mine enemies triumph over me. O rescue me from the powers of darkness; make haste to help me,-make no long tarrying, O my God! In the multitude of thy tender mercies, for Jesus' sake, blot out my transgressions, and pardon my sins, for they are great; and seal thy pardon to my soul, that a sense thereof may produce godly sorrow, and repentance not to be repented of. O revive and quicken my soul by the renewing influences of thy Holy Spirit, for thine own name's sake. Hast thou not brought me out from among the heathen, and given me a name among thy people, and by thine own almighty power preserved me hitherto, not for my sake, but because so it seemed good in thy sight? Do not then, O God, give me up into the hands of mine enemies, lest thine own glorious name be blasphemed; but rather manifest thy power and love, in turning me again from mine iniquities; and glorify thy grace in my salvation, that all who see me may say, "Let the Lord be magnified, that taketh pleasure in the prosperity of his servants.' Hear this prayer, I beseech thee, O my Father, for Jesus' sake. Amen.

Upon recollection, I think the present comfortless frame of mind may proceed from one of the following causes :-The hurry of company and business I have been engaged in for half a year past, which, together with bad health, deprived me of many hours I used formerly to spend in devotion, and also of public opportunities of waiting upon God; or, it may be, the change in my outward circumstances; or my inward

deadness and poverty may be the answer to my prayers. I have often solemnly begged of the Lord to guide me in the right way, though it might be most contrary to my inclination, and grievous to flesh and blood. Now, perhaps the Lord is in this way calling me to see more of my own vileness, and the unprofitableness of self-dependance and resting upon duties performed, or gifts in myself or others, and leading me to rely wholly on the finished salvation of Jesus ;-he is perhaps calling me to follow him in the night, as well as by day, in order to try my faith; and by denying me the comforts of religion, and sensible enjoyment of him in ordinances, is proving whether I follow for the loaves and fishes, or for himself only. Whichever of these be the cause, I would now, in dependance on divine grace assisting me, resolve to redeem as much time as possible for private prayer to go early to bed, that I may be able to rise early, to be holy and circumspect in my conversation in company, as a probable means of keeping away unprofitable visitors. To look continually to Jesus, and consider him in the days of his flesh, pouring contempt on the pride of this life. As a means of curing high thoughts (it is by faith we overcome the world), to think of God manifest in the flesh, despised and rejected of men, exposed to hunger, to watching, and fasting, and had no place where to lay his head, and at last crucified betwixt two thieves. Shall this be believed, and the world courted and admired? Forbid it, Lord. Let the servant be contented if he be as the Master. Upon the whole, I would exhort my soul still to hope in God, for he is my God, and I shall yet praise him as the health of my countenance.

This day I heard two rousing sermons from Mr Russel and Dr Erskine, and found myself convinced of sin and alarmed with my state, whilst hearing them;

but since coming home, I have lost all sense of it; my mind is confused and wandering; I attempt to pray, but cannot form a thought or desire;-I feel shut up in darkness. O that the Lord in mercy would be pleased to quicken me by his Spirit! I know not what to do. Lord Jesus, undertake for me, and help me in this time of need!

Barnton, Sunday, July 6.-This morning I was seized with great fears of falling back into the world. Mr Walker preached in the chapel, and during the sermon I was tempted to doubt of God's love, and to think I never had been effectually called by his grace; but that I was now in the case of Saul when he said, “The Philistines are upon me, and God is departed from me." I wept much in the chapel, and when I came out of it, felt exquisite distress. I spoke with Mr Walker about my case, and got some little relief from what he said; but more at night, by pleading that promise in Isaiah vi. 7. “And thine iniquity is taken away, and thy sin purged."

In July, Lady Glenorchy went to Taymouth. During the remainder of Lord Breadalbane's life, she took as formerly the charge and management of the family and its concerns, did the honours of the place, and saw her own company; but she was now no longer in the relation to it in which she once stood, she was barely the widow of the late heir, the succession belonging to a very distant branch of the family. many persons this would have been a very mortifying and dispiriting reflection, a cause of lamentation and regret, if not of murmurings and repining, But Lady Glenorchy, although in her usual recollections on her birth-day she was necessarily led to re

To

vert to the death of Lord Glenorchy, she never once gave the most distant allusion to the loss of her prospects. Although she very beautifully and forcibly takes notice of the kindness of Providence in enabling her to resist the importunities of her friends to prolong her stay the last year at Taymouth, as from the peculiar state of Lord Glenorchy's health it would in all probability have been injured by it, she only expresses the superior enjoyment she felt from the retirement and seclusion of this place, from what she possessed at Barnton, as will appear by the following extracts from her Diary.

Taymouth, July 26, 1772.-I arrived at this place on Thursday, and find quiet and retirement very salutary for my soul: my mind is more composed, and my heart more set on spiritual things than when I was at Barnton; I have got nearer access to the Lord in prayer, and have found refreshing influences from on high watering my soul, which has been as the dry parched ground. This morning the Lord has permitted me to draw near and plead his promises, and also that he would make me to believe the declaration of the apostle, 2 Thess. iii. 3. "But the Lord is faithful, who shall establish you, and keep you from evil."

August 8.-This morning these words came with power to my mind, "I will guide thee with my counsel, and afterwards receive thee to glory." They were very sweet at the time; but I soon grew cold and dead, and could neither think nor pray. Being detained by sickness from public worship, when the family were gone out I went to prayer, begging of God to give me the spirit of prayer; and soon after I

« VorigeDoorgaan »