Ophelia.

We know very well that advice cheap as dirt is,
And plenty I've had d'ye see:

But in spite of the lessons of brother Laertes,
Young Hamlet's the lad for me.

Hamlet and Ophelia.

Then here be an end to our squabbles and strife
And happy for ever we'll be.

And as no other woman shall e'er be my wife,
And as no other man shall e'er make me his wife,
Ophelia's the maid for me.

Young Hamlet's the lad for me.

(Tune-" Liberty-Hall.”)

Tho' a talent for acting must nature impart,
'Tis refin'd and improv'd by the lessons of art:
So I'll teach you the rules my experience affords,
As I once had an itching myself for the boards.

Tol de rol, &c.

When speaking a speech, it an actor becomes
To mumble as tho' he'd his mouth full of plums,
For mouthing's a sine qua non: if you doubt it,
Pray say what were W- or M

without it?

Tol de rol, &c.

All actors should study what folks call the graces--
That's the twist of their legs, and the set of their faces :
But for gracefully using their arms my advice is,

They, like C.

saw the air, as it were, into slices.

Tol de rol, &c.

Some will tell you, "be calm;" but, in spite of their cant, And their critical jargon, strut, bellow, and rant: To bamboozle the flats and to keep them from snoring, - proves that there's nothing like ranting and roaring. Tol de rol, &c.

R

But in speeches which, teeming with passion, require
All an E's spirit, a K-

-'s own fire,

If you'd hope H

S

to equal in fame,

You, like him, must be lifeless, insipid, and tame.

Tol de rol, &c.

Some critics assert (but I stoutly dispute it),

That each word stands in need of an action to suit it :Their principle's false;—and, if fairly they'll try it, and twenty besides, will deny it.

C

Like M

or D

Tol de rol, &c.

when playing the clown,

Always garnish the author's with wit of your own:
And tho' knowing ones hiss; yet the god's approbation,
In a horse-laugh, will greet you.-So ends my oration.

Tol de rol, &c.

[Exit First Actor.

Enter HORATIO.

Hamlet.

Horatio, is that you? I'm glad to meet you.

Horatio.

My honour'd lord, most proud am I to greet you.

Hamlet.

Horatio, you're as tight a lad, I say,

As one may meet with in a summer's day. (e)

Horatio.

Come, that won't do, my lord:-now that's all gam

mon. ·(ƒ)

He's throwing out a sprat to catch a salmon.

Sir, if

Hamlet.

you think it gammon, you mistake me;
For if I gammon you, the devil take me:
You know I cannot hope to gain a louse
From you, who are as poor as a church-mouse.
No, let him cringe who hopes to mend his gains;
I should but get my labour for my pains.
Since I could tell a dray-horse from a poney, (g)
I've fix'd on you, Horatio, for my croney:

[Aside.

You're ne'er down-hearted; fortune's freaks you

smother,

And when she slaps one cheek, you

t'other.

hold up Give me the man that stands all sorts of weather, And we shall soon be hand and glove together.

Something too much of this.

Horatio.

Your lordship sent for me?

Hamlet.

Pray what's the reason

To smoke out treason.

You must with me in a good joke unite:
We have pic-nic theatricals to-night:
A pantomimic ballet I intend

To represent my dad's untimely end.
To do't in style I've made great preparations—
New music, scenery, dresses, decorations.-
I've just sent tickets to the King and Queen-
Now watch my uncle in the murder-scene-
I'll bet a wager he'll convict himself;
If not, this spectre is a lying elf,

And I have all this time been drunk or dreaming
However, let us closely note his seeming.

My lord, we will.

Horatio.

[Flourish of Trumpets and Drums.

Hamlet.

This trumpeting and drumming

Give notice that the King and Queen are coming.

To keep the joke up I must idle be;

Go to your place, and keep a seat for me.

A GRAND MARCH.

Enter POLONIUS, KING, QUEEN, OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, OSRICK, MARCELLUS, BERNardo, GENTLEMEN, and LADIES.

King.

How fares our cousin Hamlet?

Hamlet.

Tightly, tightly;

I eat the air-You can't feed pigs so lightly.

King.

Pooh!-Nonsense Sir!-Such words I don't acknow

ledge.

Hamlet.

(To Pol.) You told me, Sir, you acted once at college.

Polonius.

I acted Cæsar-Brutus laid me lower.

Hamlet.

A brute, indeed, to kill so great a bore!

Queen.

Come, sit by me, dear Hamlet, whilst they're acting.

Hamlet.

I'd rather not; here's metal more attracting.

(To Ophelia) Ophelia, may I lie upon your knees?

Ophelia.

O, surely; or wherever else you please.