VANBURGH.] THE PROVOKED WIFE. brother. But are not you under strange younger agitations? Pr'ythee, how does your pulse beat? Bet. High and low; I have much ado to be valiant. Is it not very strange to go to bed with a man? L. Brute. Um-it is a little odd át first, but it will soon grow easy to you. Enter CONSTANT and HEARTfree. Good morrow, gentlemen: how have you slept after your adventure? Heart. Some careful thoughts, ladies, on your accounts, have kept us waking. Bel. And some careful thoughts on your own, I believe, have hindered you from sleeping. Pray, how does this matrimonial project relish with you? Heart. Why, faith, e'en as storming towns does with soldiers, where the hopes of delicious plunder banishes the fear of being knocked on the head. Bel. Is it then possible, after all, that think of downright lawful wedlock? you dare Heart. Madam, you have made me so foolhardy, I dare do any thing. Bel. Then, sir, I challenge you, and matrimony's the spot where I expect you. Heart. 'Tis enough; I'll not fail. [Aside.] So, now I am in for Hobbes's voyage; a great leap in the dark. L. Brute. Well, gentlemen, this matter being concluded then, have you got your lessons ready? for Sir John is grown such an atheist of late, he'll believe nothing upon easy terms. Con. We'll find means to extend his faith, madam. But pray how do you find him this morning? L. Brute. Most lamentably morose; chewing the cud after last night's discovery, of which, however, he has but a confused notion e'en now. But I'm afraid the valet de chambre has told him all; for they are very busy together at this moment. When I told him of Belinda's marriage, I had no other answer but a grunt; from which you may draw what conclusions you think fit. But to your notes, gentlemen: he's here. Enter Sir JOHN and RASor. Sir John. Disorders generally come from in- L. Brute. I hope, my dear, you are satisfied there was no wrong intended you. Sir John. Noue, my dove. Bel. If not, I hope my consent to marry Mr Heartfree will convince you. For, as little as I know of amours, sir, I can assure you, one intrigue is enough to bring four people together, without further mischief. Sir John. And I know too, that intrigues tend One into procreation of more kinds than one. trigue will beget another, as soon as beget a son Con. I am very sorry, sir, to see you still seem Sir John. Sir, if her conduct has put a trick upon her virtue, her virtue's a bubble, but her husband's the loser. Con. Sir, you have received a sufficient answer Sir John. Would it did not concern me, and Sir John. Lord, sir, you are very hasty : if I had been found at prayers in your wife's closet, I should have allowed you twice as much time to come to yourself in. Con. Nay, sir, if time be all you want, we have no quarrel. Heart. I told you how the sword would work [Sir JOHN muses. upon him. Con. Let him muse; however, I'll lay fifty Sir John. [Aside.] 'Tis very well-'tis very pounds our foreman brings us in not guilty. well-In spite of that young jade's matrimonial intrigue, I am a downright stinking cuckold-Here head.] Methinks I could butt with a bull. What they are-Boo-[Putting his hand to his forethe plague did I marry for? I knew she did not like me; if she had, she would have lain with me; for I would have done so, because I liked her; but that's past, and I have her. And now to my pocket, she'll grow insolent-if I don't, what shall I do with her ?—If I put my horns inthat goat there, that stallion, is ready to whip me through the guts.-The debate then is reduced to wiser men than I have long since concluded, that this; shall I die a hero, or live a rascal ?-Why, a living dog is better than a dead lion. [To CON. and HEART.] Gentlemen, now my wine and my passion are governable, I must own, I have never observed any thing in my wife's course of life, to back me in my jealousy of her; but jealousy's a mark of love; so she need not trouble her head about it, as long as I make no more words on't. Lady FANCYFUL enters disguised, and addresses Con. I'm glad to see your reason rule at last. Give me your hand: I hope you'll look upon me as you used to do. Sir John. Your humble servant. [Aside.] A wheedling son of a whore! Heart. And that I may be sure you are friends with me too, pray give me your consent to wed your niece. Sir John. Sir, you have it with all my heart; damn me if you haʼn't. [Aside.] 'Tis time to get Enter a Servant, who gives HEARTFREE a Bel. Heartfree your husband, say you? 'Tis impossible! I L. Fun. Would to kind Heaven it were; but 'tis too true; and in the world there lives not such a wretch. I'm young; and either I have been flattered by my friends, as well as glass, or Nature has been kind and generous to me. had a fortune too was greater far than he could ever hope for; but with my heart I am robbed of all the rest. I am slighted and I'm beggared both at once; I have scarce a bare subsistence from the villain, yet dare complain to none; for he has sworn, if ever 'tis known I am his wife, he'll murder me. [Weeping. | Bel. The traitor! L. Fun. I accidentally was told he courted you: charity soon prevailed upon me to prevent your misery; and, as you see, I am still so generous, even to him, as not to suffer he should do any thing for which the law might take away his life. [Weeping. Bel. Poor creature! How I pity her! [They continue talking aside. Heart. [Aside.] Death and the devil!-Let me read it again. [Reads.] "Though I have a particular reason not to let you know who I am till I see you, yet you'll easily believe 'tis a faithful friend that gives you this advice. I have lain with Belinda-(Good!)-I have a child by her(Better and better!)-which is now out at nurse (Heaven be praised!)—and I think the foundation laid for another.-(Ha!-old true-penny!) -No rack could have tortured this story from me, but friendship has done it. I heard of your de sign to marry her, and could not see you abused. Make use of my advice, but keep my secret till I ask for't again. Adieu.” [Exit L. FAN. Con. [To BELINDA.] Come, madam, shall we send for the parson? I doubt here's no business for the lawyers; younger brothers have nothing to settle but their hearts, and that I believe my friend here has already done very faithfully. you Bel. [Scornfully.] Are you sure, sir, there are no old mortgages upon it? Heart. [Coldly.] If you think there are, madam, it mayn't be amiss to defer the marriage till you are sure they are paid off. Bel. We'll defer it as long as you please, sir. Heart. The more time we take to consider on't, madam, the less apt we shall be to commit oversights; therefore, if you please, we will put it off for just nine months. Bel. Guilty consciences make men cowards. Bel. What does the fellow mean? Sir John. Zoons, what do you both mean? [HEART. and BEL. walk chafing about. Con. Pr'ythee explain, Heartfree. my friend. Bel. 'Tis well it went no farther: a base fel low! L. Brute. What can be the meaning of all this? Bel. What's his meaning, I don't know; but mine is, that if I had married him, I had had no husband. Heart. And what's her meaning, I don't know; but mine is, that if I had married her, I had had wife enough. cramp ways of expressing themselves, they sel Enter RASOR in Sackcloth, pulling in Lady ter. L. Brute. Heavens! What have we here? L. Brute. What means this? Rasor. Nothing, without my pardon. Rasor. Imprimis. Your ladyship's, for a damnable lie made upon your spotless virtue, and set to the tune of Spring Garden. [To Sir JOHN. Next, at my generous master's feet I bend, for interrupting his more noble thoughts with phanThirdly, I to this gentleman apply, for making toms of disgraceful cuckoldom. [To CONSTANT him the hero of my romance. [To HEARTFREE. destinely marrying you, without either bidding of Fourthly, your pardon, noble sir, I ask, for clanbanns, bishop's licence, friend's consent, or your my good young lady's clemency I come, for preown knowledge. [To BELINDA.] And lastly, to tending the corn was sowed in the ground, before ever the plough had been in the field. point whether I am a cuckold or not. Bel. Well, sir, upon condition you confess all, I'll pardon you myself, and try to obtain as much from the rest of the company. But I must know then who 'tis has put you upon all this mischief. ed me, vice weakened me and so the devil overRasor. Satan and his equipage: woman temptcame me as fell Adam, so fell I. Bel. Then pray, Mr Adam, will you make us acquainted with your Eve? Rasor. [To MADEM.] Unmask, for the honour | Belinda, you think you triumph over a rival now: of France. All. Mademoiselle! Madem. Me ask ten tousand pardon of all de good company. Sir John. Why, this mystery thickens, instead of clearing up. [TO RASOR.] You son of a whore you, put us out of our pain. Rusor. One moment brings sunshine. [Shewing MADEM.] 'Tis true, this is the woman that tempted me, but this is the serpent that tempted the woman; and if my prayers might be heard, her punishment for so doing should be like the serpent's of old[Pulls off Lady FANCYFUL'S mask]—she should lie upon her face all the days of her life. Helas! ma pauvre fille. Where'er I am a rival, there's no cause for mirth. No, my poor wretch, 'tis from another principle I have acted. I knew that thing there would make so perverse a husband, and you so impertinent a wife, that lest your mutual plagues should make you both run mad, I charitably would have broke the match. He, he, | he, he, he ! [Exit, laughing affectedly, MADEM. following her. Madem. He, he, he, he, he! All. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Sir John. [Aside.] Why now, this woman will be married to somebody too. Bel. Poor creature! What a passion she is in! but I forgive her. Heart. Since you have so much goodness for her, I hope you'll pardon my offence too, madam. Bel. There will be no great difficulty in that, since I am guilty of an equal fault. Heart. So, madam, now had the parson but done his business Bel. You'd be half weary of your bargain. Heart. No, sure, I might dispense with one night's lodging. Bel. I am ready to try, sir. Heart. Then let's to church; And if it be our chance to disagree Bel. Take heed-the surly husband's fate you sce. Sir John. Surly I may be, stubborn I am not, For I have both forgiven and forgot; If so, be these our judges, Mrs Pert, 'Tis more by my goodness, than your desert. [Exeunt omnes. THE CONFEDERACY. BY VANBURGH. PROLOGUE. SPOKEN BY A SHABBY POET. YE gods! what crime had my poor father done, here! The honour, I must needs confess, is great, A world of blessings to that fire we owe; [Looking behind the scenes. A busy man amongst us here to-night: Your fire has made him play a thousand pranks, These benefits are such, no man can doubt But he'll go on, and set your fancy out, Till, for reward of all his noble deeds, At last, like other sprightly folks, he speeds; Has this great recompence fixed on his brow As fam'd Parnassus; has your leave to bow And walk about the streets-equipp'd-as I am now. SCENE,-London.-The Time equal to that of the Representation, |