Mat. Indeed, it is a most excellent trick. Capt. B. O! you do not give spirit enough to your motion; you are too tardy, too heavy! O! it must be done like lightning, boy! Tut! 'tis nothing, an't be not done in a punto. Young K. Captain, did you ever prove yourself upon any of our masters of defence here? Mat. O, good sir! yes, I hope he has ! Capt. B. I will tell you, sir. They have assaulted me some three, four, five, six of them together, as I have walked alone in divers skirts o' the town, where I have driven them before me the whole length of a street, in the open view of all our gallants, pitying to hurt them, believe me. Yet all this lenity will not overcome their spleen ; they will be doing with the ant, raising a hill a man may spurn abroad with his foot at pleasure. By myself I could have slain them all; but I delight not in murder. I am loath to bear any other than this bastinado for 'em; yet I hold it good policy not to go disarmed; for though I be skilful, I may be oppressed with multitudes. Young K. Ay, believe me, may you, sir; and, in my conceit, our whole nation should sustain the loss by it, if it were so. Capt. B. Alas! no. What's a peculiar man to a nation? Not seen. Young K. O! but your skill, sir! Capt. B. Indeed, that might be some loss; but who respects it? I will tell you, sir, by the way of private, and under seal, I am a gentleman, and live here obscure, and to myself; but were I known to his majesty and the lords, observe me, I would undertake, upon this poor head and life, for the public benefit of the state, not only to spare the entire lives of his subjects in general, but to save the one half, nay, three parts of his yearly charge in holding war, and against what enemy soever. And how would I do it, think you? Young K. Nay, I know not; nor can I conceive. Capt. B. Why, thus, sir: I would select nineteen more to myself, throughout the land; gentlemen they should be; of a good spirit, and able constitution; I would choose them by an instinct, a character that I have; and I would teach these nineteen the special rules, as your punto, your reverso, your stoccata, imbroccata, your passada, your montanto; till they could all play very near, or altogether as well as myself. This done, say the enemy were forty thousand strong; we twenty would come into the field the tenth of March, or thereabouts, and we would challenge twenty of the enemy; they could not in their honour refuse us. Well, we would kill them; challenge twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them, too; and thus would we kill every man his twenty a day, that's twenty score; twenty score, that's two hundred; two hundred a day, five days a thousand; forty thousand; forty times five, five times forty; two hundred days kills them all by computation. And this I will venture my poor gentleman-like carcass to perform, provided there be no treason practised upon us, by fair and discreet manhood; that is, civilly by the sword. Young K. Why, are you so sure of your hand, captain, at all times. Capt. B. Tut! never miss thrust, upon my reputation with you. Young K. I would not stand in Downright's state then, an' you meet him, for the wealth of any one street in London. Capt. B. Why, sir, you mistake. If he were here now, by this welkin, I would not draw my weapon on him! Let this gentleman do his mind; but I will bastinado him, by the bright sun, wherever I meet him. Mat. Faith, and I'll have a fling at him, at my distance. Enter Downright, walking over the stage. Young K. God's so! Look ye where he is; yonder he goes. Down. What peevish luck have I; I cannot meet with these bragging rascals! Capt. B. It's not he, is it? Young K. Yes, faith, it is he. Mat. I'll be hanged then, if that were he. Young K. I assure you that was he. Step. Upon my reputation, it was he. Capt. B. Had I thought it had been he, he must not have gone so; but I can hardly be induced to believe it was he yet. Young K. That I think, sir. But see, he is come again! Re-enter Downright. Down. O! Pharaoh's foot, have I found you? Come, araw; to your tools. Draw, gipsy, or I'll thrash you. Capt. B. Gentleman of valour, I do believe in thee, hear me Down. Draw your weapon, then. Capt. B. Tall man, I never thought on't till now, body of me! I had a warrant of the peace served on me even now, as I came along, by a water bearer; this gentleman saw it, Mr. Matthew. (Downright beats Captain Bobadil; Matthew runs away.) Down. 'Sdeath! you will not draw, then? Capt. B. Hold, hold! under thy favour, forbear. Down. Prate again, as you like this. You'll control the point, you? Your consort is gone; had he stayed, he had shared with you, sir. [Exit. Young K. Twenty, and kill them; twenty more, kill them, too-ha, ha! Capt. B. Well, gentlemen, bear witness; I was bound to the peace, by this good day. Young K. No, faith, it's an ill day, captain, never reckon it other; but say you were bound to the peace, the law allows you to defend yourself; that will prove but a poor excuse." Capt. B. I cannot tell, sir. I desire good construction, in fair sort. I never sustained the like disgrace, by heaven. Sure, I was struck with a planet. Step. No, captain, you was struck with a stick. Young K. Ay, like enough; I have heard of many that have been beaten under a planet. Go, get you to a surgeon. 'Slid! and these be your tricks, your passados and your montantos, I'll none of them. Capt. B. I was planet-struck, certainly. [Exit. Young K. O, manners! that this age should bring forth such creatures! that nature should be at leisure to make em! Come, coz. Step. Mass! I'll have this cloak. Young K. God's will, 'tis Downright's. Step. Nay, it's mine now; another might have ta'en it up as well as I. I'll wear it, so I will. Young K. How, an' he see it? He'll challenge it, assure yourself. Step. Ay, but he shall not ha't; I'll say I bought it [Exeunt. BEN JONSON. 179. THE QUACK. SCENE.-The Inn. Fater Hostess, followed by Lampedo. Hostess. NAY, nay; another fortnight. Lamp. It can't be. The man's as well as I am: have some mercy! Lamp. We may detain him a week. Enter Balthazar behind, in his nightgown, with a drawn sword. You talk now like a reasonable hostess, That sometimes has a reckoning with her conscience. Hostess. He still believes he has an inward bruise. Lamp. I would to heaven he had! or that he'd slipp'd His shoulder-blade, or broke a leg or two, (Not that I bear his person any malice,) Or lux'd an arm, or even sprain'd his ankle! Hostess. Ay, broken any thing except his neck.. Balth. A farrier! Lamp. To-morrow we phlebotomise again; Next day, my new invented patent draught; Then I have some pills prepared; (Aside.) On Thursday we throw in the bark; on FridayBalth. (coming forward.) Well, sir, on Friday-what on Friday? come, Proceed. Lamp. Discovered! Hostess. Mercy, noble sir! (They fall on their knees) Lamp. We crave your mercy! Balth. On your knees? 'tis well! Pray, for your time is short. Hostess. Nay, do not kill us. Balth. You have been tried, condemn'd, and only wait For execution. Which shall I begin with? Lamp. The lady, by all means, sir. Balth. Come, prepare. (To the Hostess.) Hostess. Have pity on the weakness of my sex! Balth. Tell me, thou quaking mountain of gross flesh, Tell me, and in a breath, how many poisons If you attempt it-(to Lamp. who is endeavouring to make off)-you have cook'd up for me? Hostess. None, as I hope for mercy! 'Tis not, I own, of the first quality; Balth. What? Hostess. I always give short measure, sir, And ease my conscience that way. Balth. Ease your conscience! I'll ease your conscience for you. Hostess. Mercy, sir! Balth. Rise, if thou canst, and hear me. Hostess. Your commands, sir? Balth. If in five minutes all things are prepared For my departure, you may yet survive. Hostess. It shall be done in less. Balth. Away, thou lump-fish! [Exit Hostess. Lamp. So! now comes my turn! 'tis all over with me' There's dagger, rope, and ratsbane in his looks! Balth. And now, thou sketch and outline of a man! Thou thing that hast no shadow in the sun! Thou eel in a consumption, eldest born Of a starved pilchard! Lamp. I do confess my leanness. I am spare And, therefore, spare me. Balth. Why wouldst thou have made me A thoroughfare for thy whole shop to pass through? Balth. Yes: he must die, too. |