Rat. Wheugh! What, are you drunk? Clown. Noa, noa, but I soon shall be, I take it, for there's plenty o'yeale to be gotten. Rat. Plenty o'yale to be gotten, is there? Clown. Ees, I shall have a rare swig at it. Rat. Pray, my fine fellow, can you tell me what the bells are ringing for?

Clown. Ees, to be sure I con.
Rat. Well, what is it?

Snacks. It's true indeed; I am very sorry. Mar. And she is not to be my lady, after_all?

Snacks. No, poor girl!

Dol. And Robin has quite forgot me! [Crying] Oh dear, oh dear!-I was afraid how it would be when he came to be a lordand has he quite forgot me?

Snacks. Yes, he told me to tell you that he has done with you.

Clown. Why it's bekeas they do pull the ropes, I tell thee.-[Gets round] Dinner will Mar. Very noisy] But I have not done all get yeaten up whilst I stond here talking with him though- pretty work indeed; but wi' you. I'll ring a peal in his ears, that shall bring [Runs off; Rattle runs after him, and him to his senses, I warrant; I'll teach him brings him back. to use my daughter ill-he's a rogue, a rascal, Rat. You are a very communicative young a scapegallows, a vagabond; I'll find him "out fellow, indeed I have learnt one thing from-I'llyou, however that there's plenty of eating Snacks. [Trying to appease her] Hush! and drinking going on; so I'll try if I can't be in at the death. Now, start fair, and the devil take the hindmost. [They run off.

hush!

Mar. I'll raise the dead, I will.

Snacks. Be cool, be cool! Robin will certainly hear this old bell-weather, and I shall SCENE II-A Hall in the Castle. A Door be blown. [Aside. leading to an inner Apartment. Mar. I'll make him down of his knees, I will; I'd have him to know, that though he is Enter SNACKS, speaking. a lord, he shall remember his promise; I'll Snacks. Tell her to come this way. Alplay the very devil with him, if I can find young woman wanting Robin!--This must be him. I'm in such a passion, I could tear his his sweetheart, Dolly, that he talks so much eyes out: oh, if I can but sce him! about; they must not come together; if they do, it will knock up all my plan -VVhat shall I do with her? If I could but get her into this room, she'd be safe enough-here she is. Enter DOLLY and MARGERY.

Snacks. And pray what might you want with him?

Mar. She wants to settle some matters of her own with him.

Dol. Yes, that's all, sir.

[Going; Snacks stops her. Snacks. Here, here; stop, stop-I'll go and bring him to you. Curse her old throat! [Aside] Only just walk in here a moment, I'll talk to him myself; I will indeed; perhaps I shall bring him round, my dear.

Dol. Thank ye, sir; tell him I'll kill myself if he doesn't marry me. [Goes in. Mar. And tell him I'll kill him if he doesn't marry her.

[Goes in. Snacks locks the Door. Snacks. Well, they are safe for the present I wish they were out of the house though. If I can but bring this marriage to Snocks. I dare say! But I must know what bear, I'm a made man. I have been very these matters are. careful of the old lord's money, and I should [Margery feels herself of great im-like to take care of a little of the young lord's portance, and is particularly noisy money: if I can but marry the girl and him, through the whole of this Scene. I'll soon double the twenty-six thousand pounds Snacks is alarmed lest Robin should I have in the five per cents, sacked from my old master.

hear her.

Mar. Such matters as consarn nobody but Rat. [Without, in a hollow Voice] Villanthemselves, and you must not meddle with ous robber! them.

Snacks. O Lord! what's that?-[Pauses]Snaeks. Curse that old devil, what a tongue It has put me in such a fright;-that ghost's she has! I shall never be able to manage her. abroad again-What else could it be?" I am [To Dolly] You can't see his lordship, he's afraid to open my eyes for fear he should engaged. stare me in the face: I confess I've been a Dol. Yes, I know his lordship's engaged, rogue, but it's never too late to mend. Say for he promised me a long while ago. no more, and I'll make amends; indeed I will. Snacks. Oh, then you are the poor unfor-[Gets near the Door]-Upon my soull will— tunate young woman thatupon the word of an honest man I will.

Mar. [Very angry] No, sir; she is the lucky young woman that is to be my lady; and I'd have you to know that I'm her mother. Snacks. Ah, poor soul! I pity her, I do indeed, from the bottom of my heart.

Mar. But she is not to be pitied; I shouldn't have thought of that!-pity indeed!

Enter RATTLE.

[Sneaks off.

Rat. Ha! ha! ha! I think I gave his conscience a kick there; twenty-six thousand pounds in the five per cents-let me remember that-I'm up to your tricks, Mr. Snacks. but Snacks. Poor dear creature; it's a sad job, you shan't carry on your scheme much longer, but it can't be help'd: his lordship is going if I have any skill-If I don't quicken your to be married to-morrow to another woman. meinory a little, I'll give over conjuring, and Dol. What!

set up a chandler's shop.

[Exit.

SCENE III-A handsome Apartment in the
Castle. A Table, with Wines, etc.

Snacks. What a cunning dog it is!-he's up to me now, but I think I shall be down upon him by-and-by-[Aside. Exit. Rob. Ha ha! ha! how he hopp'd about and halloo'd-but I'll work him a little more yet. Re-enter SNACKS.

ROBIN and SNACKS discovered. Rob. [Rather tipsy] Well, Snacks, this is very good stuff. I don't know as ever I drank any before; what do you call this, Snacks? Snacks. Port wine, an't please your lord-Well, Snacks, what d'ye think of your dan ship. cing-master?

Snacks. I hope your lordship won't give

Rob. Yes, Port wine pleases his lordshipI wonder where this comes from!--Oh! from me any more lessons at present; for, to say the Red Sea, I suppose. the truth, I don't much like the accompaniment. Rob. You must have a lesson every day, or you'll forget the step.

Snacks. No, my lord: there's plenty of spirits there, but no wine, I believe.

Rob. Well, one more thing full; only one, because you know, now I am a lord, I must not make a beast of myself-that's not like a nobleman, you know.

Snacks. Your lordship must do as your lordship pleases.

Rob. Must I? then give us t'other sup. Snacks. I think his lordship is getting rather forward- I'll bring my daughter upon the carpet presently. Enter Servant.

[Aside.

Snacks. Can't walk, can't he?-lame, is he?
Sero. Yes, sir.

Snacks. No:-your lordship has taken care
that I shan't forget it for some time.
Rob. I can't think where Dolly is; I told
her to come to me.

Snacks. Oh, don't think of her.
Rob. Not think of her!—why, pray?
Snacks. Oh, she's a-

Rob. A what?-Take care, or I shall make you dance another hornpipe.

Snacks. I only mean to say, that she's too low for your lordship.

Serv. Please you, master Snacks, here's Rob. Too low! why, what was I just now?John the carter says he's so lame he can't If I thought riches would make me such a walk, and he hopes you'll let him have a poney rascal as to use the poor girl ill- a fig for to-morrow, to ride by the waggon. 'em all; I'd give 'em up, and be plain Robin, honest Robin, again. No: I've given Dolly my promise, and I'll never break it. Snacks. My daughter's very beautiful. Rob. Dang it, you talk a great deal::-come, we'll go and have a look at her. [Exeunt. SCENE IV.-A Chamber, with a Picture

Snacks. And what does he mean by being lame at this busy time?-tell him he must walk; it's my will.

Rob. You, sir, bring me John's whip, will you? [Exit Servant] That's right, Snacks: damn the fellow, what business has he to be lame!

Snacks. Oh, please your lordship, it's as much as I can do to keep these fellows in

order.

Rob. Oh, they are sad dogs not walk, indeed! I never heard of such impudence. Snacks. Oh, shameful, shameful! if I was behind him, I'd make him walk.

Enter Servant, with a Whip, which he
gives to ROBIN.

Rob. Come, Snacks, dance me a hornpipe.
Snacks. What?

Rob. A hornpipe.

hanging over a Closet-door.

Enter RATTLE and MISS NANCY. Rat. Well, you see I've gained admission, notwithstanding your father's order to the contrary.

Nan. Yes; but how do you mean to get his consent to

Rat. Why, as to his consent, I don't value it a button: but then five thousand pounds is a sum not to be sneezed at. I have given the old boy a bit of a hint to-night that be didn't much relish.

Nan. I expect my father here every minute, with his new-made lordship

Rat. Indeed! then only hide me in this

Snacks. A hornpipe! I can't dance, my room, and the business is done.

lord.

--

Nan. That I will, where nobody can find Rob. Come, none of your nonsense; I know you, I'm sure; I have a closet behind this you can dance; why, you was made for picture of the old lord, made, I believe, to dancing-there's a leg and foot-Come, begin! hide the family plate and jewels in; but it's Snacks. Here's no music. quite forgotten now.

Rob. Isn't there? then I'll soon make someLookye, here's my fiddlestick; how d'ye like it? Come, Snacks, you must dance; it's my will.

Snacks. Indeed I'm not able.

Rob. Not able! Oh, shameful, shameful! Come, come, you must dance; it's my will.

[Opens it. Rat. Oh, it was made on purpose for me: I'll put a jewel into it presently-Here [Gives a Paper]-let this lie carelessly on the table; it's worth five thousand pounds.

Snacks. [Without] This way, this way, my lord. Rat. O, damn it! here they come; tell him [Whips him. you've been frighten'd by a ghost; and if he Snacks. Must I?-Then here goes- signs the paper, give a loud cough. [Hops about. Rob. What, d'ye call that dancing fit for a lord? Come, quicker, quicker - [Whips Snacks round the Stage, who roars out]There, that will do; now go and order John the carter the poney-will you?

[Puts the Paper on the Table, and exit into the Closet.

Enter SNACKS and ROBIN. Snacks. There, there she is isn't she a beauty? What do you say now?

Mar. Without] Only let me catch hold of him, I'll give it him-an old, abominableEnter MARGERY.

Rob. Why, I say she is not fit to hold a candle to my Dolly.

Nan. Pretty courtship indeed. Snacks. Ah, you'll alter your mind soon; I know you will. Come, let's sit down and Oh, you are there, are you? You wicked talk of it. [They sit. wretch!-let me get at him-[Runs after Nan. [To Snacks] Oh, my dear sir, I've Snacks, and beats him]-A pretty pack of been so frighten'd-Do you know I think I've lies you have told; you old ragamuffin, you. seen the very ghost that alarm'd you so once. Snacks. A what? a ghost?-O Lord, I hope not. I hate the very sight of 'em: - It's very odd; but-[Starting]-didn't I hear a noise? Nan. Oh, sir, that's a very common thing in this part of the castle; I have been most terribly frighten'd lately.

Rob. Why, what frighten'd you?-We are all good people here; they won't hurt us will they, Snacks?

Snacks. No, no-they-that is-[Alarmed.
Rat. [From behind] Hear!

Rub. What?

Ral. Hear!

Snacks. Lord ha' mercy upon me? [Kneels.
Rat. Offspring of mine, listen not to the

advice of that wretch.

Rob. I doan't intend it.

Rat. He'll betray you! your intended bride he has imprison'd in the yellow chamber; go, set her at liberty.

Enter ROBIN and DOLLY.

Rob. What! are you there, Rattle?
Rat. Yes, I'm the ghost-Hear!

Rob. Why you frighted old Honesty a little.

Enter Servant.

Serv. Please you, master Snacks, the bailiffs ha' gotten master Frank, and ha' bringing him here.

Rob. What! the bailiffs got him? — Oh, you old rascal! [To Snacks]-Let him come here in a moment! [Exit Servant] — Oh, Snacks, I'm sorry for you; for I'm sure you can't be happy: a man as does so much harm, and so little good, never can be happy,

I'm sure:

Enter MR. FRANK.

I be very sorry as they us'd you so, Mr.
Frank, but I couldn't-

Frank. I know your heart too well to think you could.

Rob. What! my Dolly?-has he imprison'd her in the yellow chamber?-Oh, dang your old head! [Knocks Snacks down, and exit. Rob. I have a great favour to ask of you, Rat. Wretch! restore your ill-gotten wealth Mr. Frank: you see we've rather found Snacks -twenty-six thousand pounds in the five per out;-now, will you-dang it, will you take

cents.

Snacks. I'll do any thing that you command.
Rat. Sign the paper before you.
[Snacks signs the Paper. Nancy coughs.
Rattle jumps out of the Closet,
takes the Paper.

care of me, and come and live in the castle with me, and give me your advice?-you know how I mean; like-teach me a bit, you know.

Frunk. You are too generous: but I accept and your proffered kindness; and, by my care and attention to your welfare, will repay a small part of the debt I owe you.

Rat. How do you do? how are you? Snacks. Give me the paper. Rob. Now, then, I am happy, with such a Rat. Not a word twenty-six thousand friend as Mr. Frank - Dolly, we shall know pounds in the five per cents. Now, dear how to take care of ourselves and our neighNancy, you are mine, and five thousand pounds. bours - and I'll take care that poor folk shall Snacks. You to rebel against me too, you bless the day as made me, a lord. baggage.

WHO'S THE DUPE?

This lively Farce was produced, in 1779, by Mrs. Cowley, a indy whose naturally superior gifts, reñued by cultivation, were particularly devoted to the service of the dramatic muse. The judgment and contrivance evinced in this after-piece, and the truly laughable mode in which it is conducted, are creditable to the varied talent of the authoress. -In spite of Granger's impolite definition of woman, to be "only one of nature's agreeable blunders," the ladies will probably agree with Miss Doiley in her choice, and rejection of so non-descript a lover as Gradus: scholastic acquirement must be interspersed and seasoned with the ordinary but indispensable trifles of life, or society will despise and ridicule it*). In old Doiley, the positive mandates of ignorance are fairly exposed, and the lovers are entitled to happiness, who have so ingeniously defeated their influence.

*) "When follies are pointed out, and vanity ridiculed, it may be very improving; and perhaps the stage is the only place where ridicule is useful."-Wollstonecraft.

ACT I.

SCENE I.-The Park.

Flower GIRLS, and several persons passing 1 Girl. I vow I han't had a customer today. Summer is coming, and we shall be ruined. When flowers are plenty, nobody will buy 'em.

nest; but he married a fine lady, so died insolvent, I had a few more accidents of the same kind; my captaincy cost a thousand; and the necessary expenses in America, with the distresses of my fellow-soldiers, have swallowed the rest.

Sand. Poor Granger! So, with a spirit to do honour to five thousand a year, thou art 2 Girl. Ay, very true; people talks of sum- not worth five shillings. mer, but, for my part, give me Christmas. Grang. C'est vrai. Should my affairs with In a hard frost, or a deep snow, who's dress-Elizabeth be crossed, I am the most undone ed without flowers and furs? Here's one of dog on earth. the captains.

Flowers, Sir?

Enter SANDford.

Sand. I have no silver.

2 Girl. Bless your honour! I'll take gold.
Sand. Indeed!

Sand. Now, tell me honestly, is it Elizabeth * or the fortune, which is your object?

Grang. Why, look'e, Sandford; I am not one of those sighing milksops, who could live in a cottage on love, or sit contentedly under a hedge and help my wife to knit stockings; but on the word of a soldier, I had rather

pounds, than any other woman on earth with

2 Girl. Here's hyacinths, and a sprig of marry Elizabeth Doiley with ten thousand myrtle. Sand. I'd rather have roses. What will a hundred. you take for these? [Pinching her cheek. 2 Girl. I can't sell them alone-the tree and the roses must go together.

Enter GRANGER.

Sand. Ah! Granger, by all that's fortunate. I wrote to you last night, in Devonshire, to hasten your return.

Sand. And the woman must be very unreasonable, who would not be satisfied with such a distinction. But do you know that Elizabeth's father has taken the liberty to choose a son in law, without your permission?

Grang. Ha! a lover! That then is the secret she hinted, and which brought me so hastily to town. Who-what is he?

Sand. Every thing that you are not. Grang. There is such a mixture of jest and earnest

Grang. Then your letter and I jostled each other at two o'clock on this side Hounslow. My damned postilion-nodding, I suppose, over the charms of some Greasalinda- ran Sand. Upon my soul, 'tis confoundedly seagainst the letter-cart, tore off my hind wheel, rious. Since they became my neighbours in and I was forced to mount his one-eyed hack; Suffolk, I am in the secrets of the whole faand, in that curious equipage, arrived at three mily; and, for your sake, have cultivated an this morning. intimacy with Abraham Doiley, citizen and Sand. But how has the negotiation with slop-seller. In a word, the father consults me, your brother ended? Will he put you into a the daughter complains to me, and the cousin, situation toCan my fille-de-chambre, romps with me.

him?

Grang. Yes, to take a sweating with the importance be increased? Gentoos. He'll speak to Sir Jacob Jaghire to Grang. My dear Sandford. [Impatiently. get me a commission in the East Indies: and, Sand. My dear Granger! The sum total is you know, every body grows rich there-and this:-Old Doiley, bred, you know, in a charthen, you know, you're a soldier, you can ity-school, swears he'll have a man of "larnfight. [In a tone of mimickry.ing" for his son. His caprice makes him reSand. Well, what answer did you give gardless of fortune; but Elizabeth's husband must have Latin at his fingers' ends, and be Grang. Yes, Sir Bobby, I can fight, [Mi-able to teach his grandsons to sputter in Greek. micking] but I can't grow rich on the smell Grang. Oh! I'll study Hebrew, and write of gunpowder. Your true East India soldier odes in Chaldee, if that will content him: but, is of a different genus from those who strewed may I perish, if all the pedants in England, Minden with Frenchmen, and must have as with the universities to back 'em, shall rob me great a fecundity of character as a Dutch of my Elizabeth!-See here-[Producing a Burgomaster. Whilst his sword is in his Letter] an invitation from her own dear hand. hand, his pen must be in his cockade: he must This morning-this very hour-in a moment be as expert at fractions as at assaults: to-day I shall be at her feet. [Going]-Go with me mowing down ranks of soft beings, just risen through the Park.-Oh, no-I cry you_merfrom their embroidery: to-morrow selling cy-You walk, but I fly. [Exit, pepper and beetle nut: this hour, a son of Sand. Propitious be your flight!-Egad! Mars, striding over heaps of slain; the next, there are two fine girls-I'll try 'em-half an auctioneer, knocking down chintz and ca- afraid-the women dress so equivocally, that lico to the best hidder. one is in danger of attacking a countess, when Sand. And thus your negotiation_ended? one only means to address a nymph of King's Grang. Except that I was obliged to listen Place. [Exit. to some very wise dissertation about "running out," as he calls it. Five thousand SCENE II.—An Apartment at MR. DOILEY'S. enough for any younger son, but the prodigal. MR. and MISS DOLLEY at breakfast. [Mimicking] Really, Sandford, I can't see Doil. Here, take away—take away. Rememhow I can help it. Jack Spiller, to be sure, ber, we are not at home to nobody, but to had nine hundred-the poor fellow was ho-Mr. Gradus.

Sero. The formal gentleman that was here] Doil. No, no; don't be sorry; be obedient, last night, Sir. and all will be as it should be. You know I Doil. Yes, [Snappishly] the gentleman that dote on you, you young slut. I left Eastwas here last night. [Exit Servant] What! cheap for Westminster, on purpose to please I see you are resolved for to have poor Gra- you Haven't I carried you to Bath, Brimmidus's heart, Elizabeth!-I never saw you so gem, and Warley Common, and all the gentricked out in a morning before. But he isn't teel places? I never grudge you no expense, none of your chaps that's to be catched with nor no pleasure whatsomever.

a mountain head, nor knots, nor gew-gaws. Miss D. Indeed, Sir, you are most in-No, no; you must mind your P's and Q's dulgent."

with him, I can tell you. And don't laugh Doil. Well then, don't thwart me, Betty; now, when he's with you. You've a confound- don't go for to thwart me, that's all. Since ed knack at laughing; and there's nothing you came into the world, and disappointed so odious in the eyes of a wise man, as a your father of a son, 'tis your duty to give great laugher. him a wise son-in-law, to make up his loss.

Enter CHARLOTTE.

Miss D. Oh! his idea is as reviving as burnt feathers in hysterics. I wish I had seen him last night, with all the rust of Oxford about him; he must have been the greatest provoca- in your dressing-room, Ma'am. tive to mirth.

Char. Mrs. Taffety, the mantua-maker, is

Doil. Then send her away: she hasn't no

Doil. How! What! a provokive to mirth! time now for Mrs. Taffety. Why, why, hussy, he was recommended to Miss D. Ay, send her away, Charlotte. me by an antikary doctor of the Royal So- What does she want? I didn't send for her. ciety-he has finished his larning some time; Char. Bless me-'tis the captain. [Apart. and they want him to come and drink and Miss D. Oh, heavens! [Aside] Yes, I do hunt in Shropshire. Not he-he sticks to Al remember-Ay, I did-I did sent for her about Mater; and the College heads have been laid the painted lutestring. together many a time to know whether he shall be a great judge, a larned physician, of a civility doctor.

Doil. Bid her come again to-morrow, I say. Char. Lord bless me, Sir; I dare say she can't come again to-morrow. Such mantua

Miss D. Nay then, Sir, if he's all this-makers as Mrs. Taffety wont wait half a dolaughing will be irresistible. zen times on people. Why, Sir, she comes Doil. Don't put me in a passion, Betty; to her customers in a chair of her own; and don't go for to put me in a passion. What her footman beats a tattoo at the door as if would have you a man with an etarnal grin she was a countess. upon his face, like the head of a knocker? Doil. A mantua-maker with her footman And hopping and skipping about like a Dutch and chair! O lud! O lud! I should as soon doll with quicksilver in its heels? If you must have expected a duchess in a wheel-barrow. have a husband of that sort, so be it-so be Miss D. Pray, Sir, allow me just to step it-you know the rest. and speak to her. It is the sweetest gown Miss D. Surely, Sir, 'tis possible for a man-and I'd give the world were you as much who does not move as if cut in wood, of charmed with it as I am. speak as though he delivered his words by Doil. Coaxing slut! [Exeunt Miss D. and tale, to have breeding, and toCharlotte]-Where the devil can Gradus be Doil. May be may be; but your man or now?-Well, good fortune never comes in a breeding is not fit for old Doiley's son. What! hurry. If I'd pitched upon your man of breedshall I go for to give the labour of thirty-years ing, he'd have been here au hour ago-sipped to a young jackanapes, who'll come into the his jocklate, kissed Elizabeth's fingers, hopped room with a dancing-school step, and prate into his carriage, and away to his wench, to of his grandfather Sir Thomas, his great grand-divert her with charatures of the old fellow father the general, and his great-great-great- and his daughter. Oh! before I'd give my grandfather, merely because I can't tell whe-gains to one of these puppies, I'd spend 'em ther I ever had one or no? all in building hospitals for lazy lacquies and

Miss D. I hope, Sir, that such a man could decayed pimps.

never engage my

Doil. Pshaw! pshaw! you can't pertend for
-all hypocrites and deceivers.

to judge of a man-
Miss D. Except Mr. Gradus.

[Exit.

SCENE III.-A Dressing Room. MISS DOILEY and GRANGER. Miss D. A truce to your transports! PerDoil. Oh, he! He's very different from your haps I am too much inclined to believe all men of breeding, I assure you: the most ex- you can swear; but this must be a moment traordinary youth that was ever turned out of business. To secure me to yourself, are of college. None of your randans, up all you willing to enter into measures thatnight-not drinking and wenching. No, in Grang. Any thing! every thing! I'll have a his room-poring, and reading, and reading, chaise at the Park-gate in five minutes; and and studying. Oh, the joy that I shall have we'll be in Scotland, my Elizabeth, before your in hearing him talk! I do love larning. I was new lover has settled his address. grieved-grieved to the soul, Betty, when thou Miss D. Pho! pho! you're a mere bungler wert born. I had set my heart upon a boy; at contrivance; if you'll be guided by me, my and if thou hadst been a boy, thou shouldst father shall give me to you at St. James's have had Greek, and algebra, and jometry, church, in the face of the world.

enough for an archbishop.

Miss D. I am sorry

Grang. Indeed!
Miss D. Indeed.