Win. Ha, ha! what a pretty figure you cut Dick. Else, wherefore breathe I in a Chrinow! Ha, ha! why don't you speak, you stian land. blockhead? Have you nothing to say for your- Win. Zookers! you blockhead, you'd better self? stick to your business, than turn buffoon, and Dick. Nothing to say for yourself. What get truncheons broke upon your arm, and be an old prig it is. [Aside. tumbling upon carpets. Win. Mind me, friend, I have found you Dick. I shall in all my best obey you, daddy. out; I see you'll never come to good. Turn Win. Very well, friend-very well saidstage-player! wounds! you'll not have an eye you may do very well if you please; and so in your head in a month, ha, ha! you'll have I'll say no more to you, but make yourself 'em knocked out of the sockets with withered useful; and so now go and clean yourself, apples-remember I tell you so. and make ready to go home to your business Dick. A critic too! [Whistles] Well do--and mind me, young man, let me see no ne, old Squaretoes. more play-books, and let me never find that Win. Lookye, young man, take notice of you wear a laced waistcoat-you scoundrel, what I say: I made my own fortune, and I what right have you to wear a laced waistcould do the same again. Wounds! if I were coat?—I never wore a laced waistcoat!-neplaced at the bottom of Chancery-lane, with ver wore one till I was forty.-But I'll not a brush and black-ball, I'd make my own for- put myself in a passion-go and change your tune again. You read Shakspeare! Get Co-dress, friend. cker's Arithmetic; you may buy it for a shil- Dick. I shall sirling on any stall-best book that ever was wrote. Dick. Pretty well, that; ingenious, faith! 'Egad, the old fellow has a pretty notion of letters. I must be cruel, only to be kind: Thus bad begins, but worse remains behind. Cocker's Arithmetic, sir? Win. Ay, Cocker's Arithmetic-study figures, [Aside. and they'll carry you through the world. Dick. Yes, sir. [Stifling a Laugh] Cocker's Win. Can you tell how much is five-eighths of three-sixteenths of a pound? Five-eighths of Arithmetic! [Exit. three-sixteenths of a pound. Ay, ay, I see Win, Let him mind me, friend Gargle, and you're a blockhead. Lookye, young man, if I'll make a man of him. you have a mind to thrive in this world, study Gar. Ay, sir, you know the world.-The figures, and make yourself useful-make your-young man will do very well-1 wish he were self useful. out of his time; he shall then have my daughter. Dick. How weary, stale, flat, and unpro- Win. Yes, but I'll touch the cash-he shan't fitable seem to me all the uses of this world! finger it during my life.—I must keep a_tight [Aside. hand over him-[Goes to the Door]-Do ye hear, friend?-Mind what I say, and go home Win. Mind the scoundrel now. Gar. Do, Mr. Wingate, let me speak to to your business immediately.-Friend Gargle him-softly, softly-I'll touch him gently. I'll make a man of him. Come, come, young man, lay aside this sulky humour, and speak as becomes a son. Dick. O Jephtha, judge of Israel, what a treasure hadst thou! Win. What does the fellow say? Gar. He relents, sir. Come, come, man, he'll forgive, Re-enter DICK, Dick. Who call'd on Achmet?-Did not Barbarossa require me here? Win. What's the matter now?-Barossa! young-Wounds!-What's Barossa?-Does the fellow call me names?-What makes the blockhead stand in such confusion? Dick. That Barbarossa should suspect my truth! Dick. They fool me to the top of my bent. 'Gad, I'll hum 'em, to get rid of 'em -a truant disposition, good my lord, No, no, stay, that's not right-I have a better speech. [Aside] Win. The fellow's stark staring mad-get It is as you say when we are sober, and re- out of the room, you villain, get out of the flect but ever so little on our follies, we are room, [Dick stands in a sullen Mood. ashamed and sorry: and yet, the very next Gar. Come, come, young man, every thing minute, we rush again into the very same ab- is easy; don't spoil all again-go and change surdities. your dress, and come home to your business. Win. Well said, lad, well said-Mind me, Nay, nay, be ruled by me. [Thrusts him off. friend; commanding our own passions, and Win. I'm very peremptory, friend Gargle; artfully taking advantage of other people's, is if he vexes me once more, I'll have nothing the sure road to wealth.-Death and fire! to say to him. Well, but now I think of it but I won't put myself in a passion. 'Tis my I have Cocker's Arithmetic below stairs in the regard for you makes me speak; and if I tell counting-house-I'll step and get it for him, you you're a scoundrel, 'tis for your good. and so he shall take it home with him.-Friend Dick. Without doubt, sir. Gargle, your servant. Gar. Mr. Wingate, a good evening to you. You'll send him home to his business? [Stifling a Laugh. Win. If you want any thing you shall be provided. Have you any money in your pock- Win. He shall follow you home directly. et? Ha, ha! what a ridiculous numskull you Five-eighths of three-sixteenths of a pound! are now! ha, ha! Come, here's some money multiply the numerator by the denominator! for you. [Pulls out his Money and looks at five times sixteen is ten times eight, ten times it] I'll give it to you another time; an so eight is eighty, and-a-a-carry one. [Exit. you'll mind what I say to you, and make| yourself useful for the future. Re-enter DICK and SIMON. [Teaches him. Simon. But I haven't got a white pocket handkerchief. you're come back-come, we had as good with horrid speech, you must take out your e'en gang home to my master Gargle's. white pocket handkerchief and cry bitterly. Dick. No, no, Simon, stay a moment-this is but a scurvy coat I have on-and I know my father has always some jemmy thing lock'd up in his closet-I know his ways-He takes 'em in pawn; for he'll never part with a shilling without security. Simon. Hush! he'll hear us-stay, I believe he's coming up stairs. Dick. Then I'll lend you mine. [Pulls out a ragged one. Simon. Thank ye, sir. Dick. And when I am playing comedy, you must be ready to laugh your guts out, [Teaches him for I shall be very pleasantTolde-roll. [Dances. Simon. Never doubt me, sir. Dick. [Goes to the Door, and listens] No, no-no-he's going down, growling and grumbling-ay, say ye so?-"Scoundrel, rascal-let him bite the bridle.-Six times twelve Dick. Very well; now run down and open is seventy-two."-All's safe, man; never fear the street door; I'll follow you in a crack. him. Do you stand here-1 shall dispatch this business in a crack. Simon. I'm gone to serve you, master. Dick. To serve thyself-for, lookye, Simon, Simon. Blessings on him! what is he about when I am manager, claim thou of me the now?-Why the door is locked, master. care o'the wardrobe, with all those moveables, Dick. Ay, but I can easily force the lock-whereof the propertyman now stands possess'd. you shall see me do it as well as any sir John Simon. O lud! this is charming-hush! I Brute of 'em all-this right legam gone. Simon. Lord love you, master, that's not your right leg. Dick. Pho! you fool, don't you know I'm drunk?-this right leg here is the best locksmith in England-so, so. [Forces the Door and goes in. Simon. He's at his plays again-Odds my heart, he's a rare hand-he'll go through with - suit jesuit. Re-enter DICK. [Going. Dick. Well, but harkye, Simon, come hither -what money have you about you, master Matthew? Simon. But a tester, sir. Dick. A tester!-that's something of the least, master Matthew-let's see it. Simon. You have had fifteen sixpences now. Simon. I don't doubt that, master-but mum. [Exit. it, I'll warrant him - Old Cojer must not smoke my benefit. that I have any concern-I must be main cautious-Lord bless his heart, he's to teach me to act Scrub.-He begun with me long ago, Dick. Thus far we run before the wind.and I got as far as the jesuit before a went An apothecary!—make an apothecary of me! out of town:-Scrub-Coming, sir-Lord,-what, cramp my genius over a pestle and ma'am, I've a whole packet full of news-mortar, or mew me up in a shop with an some say one thing, and some say another; alligator stuft, and a beggarly account of empty but, for my part, ma'amn-I believe he's a je- boxes!-to be culling simples, and constantly that's main pleasant-I believe he's a adding to the bills of mortality!-No, no! it will be much better to be pasted up in capitals-The part of Romeo by a young gentleman who never appeared on any stage before! Dick. I have done the deed.-Didst thou -My ambition fires at the thought-But hold not hear a noise? -mayn't I run some chance of failing in my Simon. No, master; we're all snug. attempt-hissed-pelted-laughed at-not adDick. This coat will do charmingly. I have mitted into the Green-room. -That will never bilked the old fellow nicely. -- In a dark cor-do-Down, busy devil, down, down. - Try it ner of his cabinet, I found this paper; what again.-Loved by the women, envied by the it is the light will show.-[Reads] I promise men, applauded by the pit, clapped by the to pay-Ha!—I promise to pay to Mr. Mo- gallery, admired by the boxes.-"Dear colonel, neytrap, or order, on demand-'Tis his hand is not he a charming creature?"-"My lord, -a note of his-yet more-The sum of seven don't you like him of all things?"-"Makes pounds, fourteen shillings, and seven-pence, love like an angel!"-"What an eye he has!" value received, by me- -London, this 15th "Fine legs!""I'll certainly go to his beneJune, 1755.—Tis wanting what should follow fit."-Celestial sounds! And then I'll get in -his name should follow-but 'tis torn off-with all the painters, and have myself put up because the note is paid. in every printshop-in the character of MacSimon. O lud! dear sir, you'll spoil all. I beth! This is a sorry sight. [Stands in an wish we were well out of the house. - Our Attitude] In the character of Richard-Give best way, master, is to make off directly. me another horse; bind up my wounds.-This Dick. I will, I will; but first help me on will do rarely-And then I have a chance of with this coat.-Simon, you shall be my dress-getting well married-O glorious thought!er - you'll be fine and happy behind the By heaven I will enjoy it, though but in fancy. But what's o'clock?-It must be almost Siman. O lud! it will be main pleasant-I nine. I'll away at once: this is club-night.— have been behind the screens in the country. 'Egad, I'll go to them for awhile-The spoutDick. Have you, where? are all met-little they think I'm in town Simon. Why, when I liv'd with the man-they'll be surprised to see me.-Off I go, that show'd wild beastices. and then for my assignation with my master Dick. Harkye, Simon-when I am playing Gargle's daughter-Poor Charlotte! -- she's some deep tragedy, and cleave the general ear locked up, but I shall find means to settle mat scenes. ers ters for her escape-She's a pretty theatrical as well timber'd myself as any of them, and genius. If she flies to my arms like a hawk shall make a figure in genteel and top comedy. to its perch, it will be so rare an adventure, and so dramatic an incident Limbs do your office, and support me well; ACT II. [Exit. Scotch. I'll give you a speecimen of Mockbeeth. Irish. Make haste then, and I'll begin Othollo. Scotch. Is this a dagger that I see before me, etc. Irish. [Collaring him] Willain, be sure you prove my love a whore, etc. [Another Member comes forward with his Face powdered, and a Pipe in his Hand. SCENE I.-Discovers the Spouting Club. Mem. I am thy father's spirit, Hamlet— Scotch. Come now, I'll gec you a touch of 1 Mem. That will be rare. Come, let's have it. Scotch. What dost lier at, mon?-I have had muckle applause at Edinburgh, when I enacted in the Reegiceede-and now I intend to do Mocbeeth-I seed the degger yesterneet, and I thought I should ha' killed every one that came in my way. Dick. Pho! pr'ythee! you are not fat enough for a ghost. Mem. I intend to make my first appearance in it for all that; only I'm puzzled about one thing, I want to know, when I come on first, whether I should make a bow to the audience? Watch. [Behind the Scenes] Past five o'clock, cloudy morning. Dick. Hey! past five o'clock-'sdeath, I shall miss my appointment with Charlotte; I have staid too long, and shall lose my proselyte. Irish. Stand out of the way, lads, and Come, let us adjourn. We'll scower the you'll see me give a touch of Othollo, my watch-confusion to morality—I wish the condear. [Takes the Cork, burns it, and blacks stable were married.-Huzza! huzza! his Face] The devil burn the cork-it would All. Huzza, buzza! nct do it fast enough. 1 Mem. Here, here, I'll lend you a helping band. [Blacks him. Knocking at the Door. Pres. Open locks, whoever knocks. Enter DICK. SCENE II.-A Street. [Exeunt. Enter DICK, with a Lantern and Ladder. Dick. All's quiet here; the coast's clearnow for my adventure with Charlotte; this ladder will do rarely for the business, though Dick. How now, ye secret, black, and mid- it would be hetter if it were a ladder of ronight hags? What is't ye do? How fare pes-but hold; have I not seen something like the honest partners of my heart?--What bloody this on the stage? yes I have, in some of the scene has Roscius now to act?—Arrab, my entertainments. Ay, I remember an apothedear cousin Mackshane, won't you put a re-cary, and here-about he dwells-this is my membrance upon me? master Gargle's; being dark, the beggar's shop Irish. Ow! but is it mocking you are? is shut; what, ho! apothecary! but soft-what Look ye, my dear, if you'd be taking me off light breaks through yonder window? It is the -don't you call it taking off?-by my shoul, east, and Juliet is the sun; arise, fair sun, elc. I'd be making you take yourself off. What, if you're for being obstroporous, I would not matter you three skips of a flea. CHARLOTTE appears at a Window. Char. Who's there? My Romeo? Dick. The same, my love, if it not thee displease. Char. Hush! not so loud; you'll waken my father. Dick. Alas! there is more peril in thine Dick. Nay, pr'ythee, no offence-I hope we shall be brother-players. Irish. Ow! then we'd be very good friends; for you know two of a trade can never agree, my dear. Dick. What do intend to appear you Irish. Othollo, my dear; let me alone; Char. Nay, but pr'ythee now; I tell you you'll see how I'll bodder 'em; though by my you'll spoil all. What made you stay so long? shoul, myself does not know but I'll be fright- Dick. Chide not, my fair; but let the god ened when every thing is in a hub-bub, and of love laugh in thy eyes, and revel in thy nothing to be heard, but "Throw him over." heart. in? eye "Over with him."" Off, off, off the stage." Char. As I am a living soul, you'll ruin "Music." Ow! but may be the dear cra- every thing; be but quiet, and I'll come down turs in the boxes will be lucking at my legs, to you. ow! to be sure-the devil burn the luck they'll give 'em, Dick. I shall certainly laugh in the fellow's face. [Aside. [Going. Dick. No, no, not so fast; Charlottte, let us act the garden scene first Char. A fiddlestick for the garden scene. Dick. Nay, then I'll act Ranger-up I go, Char. Dear heart, you're enough to frighten Dick. What, with that impediment, sir? a body out of one's wits. Don't come up-I Scotch. Impeediment! what impeediment? tell you there's no occasion for the ladder. I I do not leesp-do I? I do not squeent; I am have settled every thing with Simon, and he's well leem'd, am I not? to let me through the shop, when he opens it. Dick. Well, but I tell you I would not give Scotch. Stay till you hear me give a spee-neck or nothing. cimen of elocution. Irish. By my shoul, if you go to that, I am a farthing for it without the ladder, and so up I go; if it was as high as the garret, up I go. Enter SIMON, at the Door. Simon. Sir, sir; madam, madam 879 Watch. Nay, then 'tis time for me to go. Enter GARGLE. [Exit. Gar. Dear heart! dear heart! she's gone, she's gone!-my daughter! my daughter! Dick. Prythee be quiet, Simon, I am a- What's the fellow in such a fright for? scending the high top-gallant of my joy. Simon. Down on your knees-down on Simon. An't please you, master, my young your marrow-bones-down on your marrowmistress may come through the shop; I am bones. going to sweep it out, and she may escape that way fast enow. Char. That will do purely; and so do you stay where you are, and prepare to receive [Exit from above. Simon. Master, leave that there, to save me from being respected. me. Dick. With all my heart, Simon. Enter CHARLotte. Char. O lud! I'm frightened out of my wits-feel with what a pit-a-pat action my heart beats. Dick. "Tis an alarm to love-quick let me snatch thee to thy Romeo's arms, etc. Watch. [Behind the Scenes] Past six o'clock, and a cloudy morning. Dick. Is that the raven's voice I hear? Simon. No master, it's the watchman's. Char. Dear heart, don't let us stand fooling here as I live and breathe we shall both be taken-do, for heaven's sake, let us make our escape. Dick. Yes, my dear Charlotte, we will go Together to the theatre we'll go, show, And point new beauties-to the pit below. and Gar. Get up, you fool, get up.-Dear heart, I'm all in a fermentation. Enter WINGATE. Win. So, friend Gargle, you're up early, I see-nothing like rising early-nothing to be got by lying in bed, like a lubberly fellow-What's the matter with you? ha, ha! you look frightened. Gar. O, no wonder-my daughter, my daughter! Win. Your daughter! What signifies a foolish girl? Gar. Oh, dear heart! dear heart! - out of the window Win. Fallen out of the window? Well, she was a woman, and 'tis no matter-if she's dead, she's provided for. Here, I found the book-could not meet with it last night-here it is, friend Gargle; take it, and give it that scoundrel of a fellow. Gar. Lord, sir, he's returned to his tricks. Win. Returned to his tricks?-What, broke loose again? Gar. Ay, and carried off my daughter with him. Win. Carried off your daughter? How did the rascal contrive that? Gar. Oh, dear sir, the watch alarmed us awhile ago, and I found a ladder at the window; so I suppose my young madam made her escape that way. Win. I'll never see the fellow's face. Enter a Watchman. Watch. Past six o'clock, Win. What, are you in the secret, friend? morning-Hey-day! what's here? A ladder families; but for my part, I'll not speak a a cloudy Simon. To be sure, there be secrets in all at master Gargle's window!-I must alarm the word, pro or con, till there's a peace. family-Ho! master Gargle! Win. You won't speak, sirrah? I'll make [Knocks at the Door. you speak. Do you know nothing of this Gar. [Above] What's the matter? How numskull? comes this window to be open?-Ha! a ladder!-Who's below there? Simon. Who I, sir?-He came home last night from your house, and went out again Watch. I hope you an't robbed, master directly. Gargle?-As I was going my ronnds, I found your window open. Win. You saw him then? Simon. Yes, sir-saw him, to be sure, sir Gar. I fear this is some of that young dog's-he made me open the shop-door for him— tricks-Take away the ladder; I must inquire he stopp'd on the threshold and pointed at into all this. [Exit. one of the clouds, and asked me if it was not like an ouzel? Win. Like an ouzel!-Wounds! what's an Re-enter SIMON, like Scrub. Simon. Spare all I have, and take my life! dead of night to steal away my daughter. Gar. And the young dog came back in the Watch. Any mischief in the house? Simon. They broke in with fire and sword -they'll be here this minute. Enter a Porter. Win. Who are you, pray? What do you Watch. What, are there thieves in the want? house? Simon. With sword and pistol, sir- Por. Is one Mr. Gargle here? Gar. Let me see it. O, dear heart! [Reads] To Mr. Gargle, at the Pestle and Mortar.- Win. Let me see it, Gargle. Dick. Now, thank heaven, I'm not worth Bail. Then there's no credit here, I can tell [Reads. you that; you must get bail, or go to Newgate. Who do you think is to pay houseTo Mr. Gargle, etc. rent for you? Such povertystruck devils as Most potent, grave, and reverend doctor, you shan't stay in my house. You shall go my very noble and approv'd good master to quod, I can tell you that. [A Knocking at That I have taken away your daughter, the Door] Coming, coming, I am coming. I it is most true; true I will marry her-'tis shall lodge you in Newgate, I promise you, true, 'tis pity, and pity 'tis, 'tis true.-What before night. Not worth a groat! You're a in the name of common sense is all this?-fine fellow to stay in a man's house. You I have done your shop some service, and shall go to quod. [Exit. you know it; no more of that; yet I could Dick.. Come, clear up, Charlotte, never mind wish, that at this time I had not been this this.-Come now, let us act the prison scene thing - What can the fellow mean? - For in the Mourning Bride. time may have yet one fated hour to come, which wing'd with liberty, may overtake when we're in such distress? occasion past.-Overtake occasion past! --no, no, time and tide waits for no - I exman. ― pect redress from thy noble sorrows. Thine and my poor country's ever, R. WINGATE. Mad as a March hare! I have done with him; let him stay till the shoe pinches, a crackbrained numskull! Char. How can you think of acting speeches Dick. Nay but, my dear angel Enter WINGATE and GARGLE. Corne, now we'll practice an attitude. How many of 'em have you? Char. Let me see: one-two-three-and then in the fourth act, and then-O gemini, Por. An't please ye, sir, I fancies the gen- I have ten at least. tleman is a little beside himself; he took hold Dick. That will do swimmingly. I've a un me here by the collar, and called me vil-round dozen myself. lain, and bid me prove his wife a whore. fancy me dead, and Lord help him, I never see'd the gentleman's Now mind. spouse in my born days before. Gar. Is she with him now? Por. I believe so; there's a likely young woman with him, all in tears. Gar. My daughter, to be sure. Por. I fancy, master, the gentleman's under Gar. Do, my dear sir, let us step to him. Win. No, not I; let him stay there. This it is to have a genius, ha, ha!-a genius, ha, ha!-a genius is a fine thing indeed, ha, ha! [Exit. Gar. Poor man! he has certainly a fever on his spirits. Do you step in with me, honest man, till I slip on my coat, and then I'll go after this unfortunate boy. Por. Yes, sir; 'tis in Gray's-inn-lane. [Exeunt. SCENE III-A Spunging-house. I Come, now begin; you think the same of you. [They stand in Attitudes. Win. Only mind the villain. [Apart to Gargle. Dick. O thou soft fleeting form of Lindamira! Char. Illusive shade of my beloved lord! Dick. She lives, she speaks, and we shall still be happy. Win. You lie, you villain, you shan't be happy. [Knocks him down. Dick. [On the Ground] Perdition catch your arm, the chance is thine! Gar. So, my young madam, I have found you again. Dick. Capulet, forbear; Paris, let loose your hold. She is my wife; our hearts are twin'd together. Win. Sirrah! villain! I'll break every bone in your body. [Strikes him. Dick. Parents have flinty hearts; no tears can move 'em: children must he wretched. Win. Get off the ground, you villain, get off the ground. Dick. 'Tis a pity there are no scene-drawers to lift me. Win. 'Tis mighty. well, young man. Zookers, I made my own fortune; and I'll take a boy out of the Blue-coat Hospital, and give him all I have. Lookye here, friend Gargle, you know I'm not a hard-hearted man. The Bail. Here's my service to you, young gen-scoundrel, you know, has robbed me; so, d'ye tleman. Don't be uneasy; the debt is not see, I won't hang him; I'll only transport the much. Why do you look so sad? fellow: and so, Mr. Catchpole, you may take Dick. Because captivity has robb'd me of him to Newgate. a just and dear diversion. Gar. Well but, dear sir, you know I alBail. Never look sulky at me; I never use ways intended to marry my daughter into any body ill. Come, it has been many a your family; and if you let the young man good man's lot-here's my service to you be ruined, my money must all go into anobut we've no liquor-come, we'll have t'other ther channel." bowl. Win. How's that? Into another channel? Dick. I've now not fifty ducats in the world, Must not lose the handling of his money. yet still I am in love, and pleased with ruin. [Aside] Why, I told you, friend Gargle, I'm Bail. What do you say? You've fifty shil-not a hard-hearted man. If the blockhead ngs, I hope? would but get as many crabbed, physical |