Maid. But what do you hope from keeping Miss H. Then it's odd I should not know him in his mistake? it. We brew all sorts of wines in this house, Miss H. In the first place, I shall be seen; and I have lived here these eighteen years. and that is no small advantage to a girl who Mar. Eighteen years! Why one would brings her face to market. Then I shall per- think, child, you kept the bar before you were haps make an acquaintance; and that's no born. How old are you?

small victory gained over one who never ad- Miss H. O! sir; I must not tell my age. dressed any but the wildest of her sex. But They say women and music should never be my chief aim is to take my gentleman off his dated. guard, and like an invisible champion of ro- Mar. To guess at this distance, you can't mance, examine the giant's force before I of- be much above forty. [Approaching] Yet nearfer to combat. er I don't think so much. [Approaching] By coming close to some women they look younger still; but when we come very close indeed[Attempting to kiss her.

Maid. But are you sure you can act your part, and disguise your voice, so that he may mistake that, as he has already mistaken your 'person.

Miss H. Never fear me. I think I have got the true bar cant-Did your honour call? Attend the Lion there-Pipes and tobacco for the Angel-The Lamb has been outrageous this half hour.

Maid. It will do, madam, but he's here.

Enter MARLOW.

Miss H. Pray, sir, keep your distance. One would think you wanted to know one's age as they do horses, by mark of mouth.

Mar. I protest, child, you use me extremely ill. If you keep me at this distance, how is it possible you and I can ever be acquainted?

Miss H. And who wants to be acquainted [Exit. with you? I want no such acquaintance, not I. I'm sure you did not treat miss Hardcastle that was here awhile ago in this obstropolous Mar. What a bawling in every part of the manner. I'll warrant me, before her you house! I have scarce a moment's repose. If look'd dash'd, and kept bowing to the ground, go to the best room, there I find my host and talk'd, for all the world, as if you was and his story. If I fly to the gallery, there before a justice of the peace.

we have my hostess with her courtesy down Mar. 'Egad! she has hit it, sure enough. to the ground. I have at last got a moment [Aside] In awe of her, child? Ha! ha! ha! to myself, and now for recollection. A mere awkward, squinting thing. No, no. [Walks and muses. I find you don't know me. I laugh'd, and rallied her a little; but I was unwilling to be too severe. No, I could not be too severe, curse me!

Miss H. Did you call, sir? did your honour call?

Mar. [Musing] As for miss Hardcastle, she's too grave and sentimental for me. Miss H. Did your honour call?

[She still places herself before him,

he turning away.

Miss H. O! then, sir, you are a favourite, Ifind, among the ladies?

Mar. Yes, my dear, a great favourite. And yet, hang me, I don't see what they find in Mar. No, child. [Musing] Besides, from me to follow. At the ladies' club in town, the glimpse I had of her, I think she squints. I'm called their agreeable Rattle. Rattle, child, Miss H. I'm sure, sir, I heard the bell ring. is not my real name, but one I'm known by. Mar. No, no. [Musing] I have pleased my My name is Solomons. Mr. Solomons, my father, however, by coming down, and I'll to- dear, at your service. [Offering to salute her. morrow please myself by returning.

sir.

[Taking out his Tablets, and perusing. Miss H. Perhaps the other gentleman called,

Mar. I tell you, no.

Miss H. I should be glad to know, sir. We have such a parcel of servants.

Miss H. Hold, sir, you were introducing me to your club, not to yourself. And you're so great a favourite there, you say?

Mar. Yes, my dear. There's Mrs. Mantrap, lady Betty Blackleg, the countess of Sligo, Mrs. Longhorns, old miss Biddy Buckskin, and humble servant, keep up the spirit of the place.

your

Mar. No, no, I tell you. [Looks full in her Face] Yes, child, I think I did call. I Miss H. Then it's a very merry place, I wanted-I wanted-I vow, child, you are suppose? vastly handsome.

Mar. Yes, as merry as cards, supper, wine, Miss H. O la, sir, you'll make one asham'd. and old women can make us. Mar. Never saw a more sprightly, malicious! Miss H. And their agreeable Rattle, ba! ha! eye. Yes, yes, my dear, I did call. Have you ha! got any of your-a-what d'ye call it, in the house?

Miss H. No, sir, we have been out of that these ten days.

Mar. One may call in this house, I find, to very little purpose. Suppose I should call for a taste, just by way of trial, of the nectar of your lips; perhaps I might be disappointed in

that too.

Mar. 'Egad! I don't quite like this chit. She looks knowing, methinks. [Aside] You laugh, child!

Miss H. I can't but laugh to think what time they all have for minding their work or their family.

Mar. All's well, she don't laugh at me. [Aside] Do you ever work, child?

Miss H. Ay, sure. There's not a screen or Miss H. Nectar! nectar! that's a liquor a quilt in the whole house but what can bear there's no call for in these parts. French, I sup-witness to that.

pose. We keep no French wines here, sir. Mar. Odso! Then you must show me your Mar. Of true English growth, I assure you. embroidery. I embroider and draw patterns

myself a little. If you want a judge of your What an unaccountable set of beings have work, you must apply to me. we got amongst! This little bar-maid though [Seizing her Hand. runs in my head most strangely, and drives Miss H. Ay, but the colours don't look well out the absurdities of all the rest of the faby candle-light. You shall see all in the mily. She's mine, she must be mine, or I'm [Struggling greatly mistaken.

Enter HASTINGS.

morning. Mar. And why not now, my angel? Such beauty fires beyond the power of resistance. -Pshaw! the father here! My old luck! I Hast. Bless me! I quite forgot to tell her never nick'd seven that I did not throw ames that I intended to prepare at the bottom of ace three times following. 1) [Exit. the garden. Marlow here, and in spirits too! Mar. Give me joy, George! Crown me, Enter HARDCASTLE, who stands in Surprise. shadow me with laurels! Well, George, after Hard. So, madam! So I find this is your all, we modest fellows don't want for success modest lover. This is your humble admirer, among the women. that kept his eyes fixed on the ground, and Hast. Some women, you mean. But what only ador'd at humble distance. Kate, Kate, success has your honour's modesty been crowned art thou not asham'd to deceive your father with now, that it grows so insolent upon us? Mar. Didn't you see the tempting, brisk, lovely, little thing that runs about the house with a bunch of keys to its girdle?

so?

Miss H. Never trust me, my dear papa, but he's still the modest man I first took him for; you'll be convinced of it as well as I.

Hard. By the hand of my body I believe his impudence is infectious! Didn't I see him seize your hand? Didn't I see him haul you about like a milkmaid? and now you talk of his respect and his modesty, forsooth!

Hast. Well! and what then?

Such

Mar. She's mine, you rogue you. fire, such motion, such eyes, such lips-but, egad! she would not let me kiss them though. Hast. But are you so sure, so very sure of her?

Miss H. But if I shortly convince you of Mar. Why, man, she talk'd of showing me his modesty, that he has only the faults that her work above stairs, and I'm to improve will pass off with time, and the virtues that the pattern.

will improve with age, I hope you'll forgive Hast. But how can you, Charles, go about to rob a woman of her honour?

him.

Hard. The girl would actually make one Mur. Pshaw! pshaw! We all know the run mad; I tell you I'll not be convinced. I honour of the bar-maid of an inn. I don't am convinced. He has scarcely been three intend to rob her, take my word for it; there's hours in the house, and he has already en- nothing in this house I shan't honestly pay for. croached on all my prerogatives. You may Hast. I believe the girl has virtue.

like his impudence, and call it modesty. But Mar. And if she has, I should be the last my son-in-law, madam, must have very dif- man in the world that would attempt to corferent qualifications. rupt it.

vince you.

Miss H. Sir, I ask but this night to con- Hast. You have taken care, I hope, of the casket I sent you to lock up? It's in safety? Mar. Yes, yes. It's safe enough. I have taken care of it. But how could you think the seat of a post-coach at an inn-door a place of safety? Ah, numbskull! I have taken better precautions for you than you did for yourself I have

Hard. You shall not have half the time; for I have thoughts of turning him out this very hour.

Miss H. Give me that hour then, and I hope to satisfy you.

Hard. Well, an hour let it be then. But I'll have no trifling with your father. All fair and open, do you mind me.

ACT IV.

[Exeunt,

Hast. What!

Mar. I have sent it to the landiady to keep for you.

Hast. To the landlady!
Mar. The landlady.

Hast. You did?

Mar. I did. She's to be answerable for its forthcoming, you know.

Hast. Yes, she'll bring it forth, with a witness.
Mar. Wasn't I right? I believe you'll allow

SCENE I-An old-fashioned House. Enter MARLOW, followed by a Servant. Mar. I wonder what Hastings could mean by sending me so valuable a thing as a casket to keep for him, when he knows the only place I have is the seat of a postcoach at an that I acted prudently upon this occasion. inn door. Have you deposited the casket with the landlady, as I ordered you? Have you put it into her own hands?

Serc, Yes, your honour.

Mar. She said she'd keep it safe, did she? Serv. Yes, she said she'd keep it safe enough; she asked me how I came by it? and she said she had a great mind to make me give an account of myself. [Exit. Mar. Ha! ha! ha! They're safe, however.

Hast. He must not see my uneasiness.

[Aside. Mar. You seem a little disconcerted though, methinks. Sure nothing has happened?

Hast. No, nothing. Never was in better spirits in all my life. And so you left it with the landlady, who, no doubt, very readily undertook the charge?

Mar. Rather too readily. For she not only kept the casket, but, through her great precaution, was going to keep the messenger too.

1) At dice I never (by chance threw) nicked seven that Ha! ba! ha!
I did not throw ames (ambes, double) ate three tinies
following.

Hast. He he he! They're safe, however.

Mar. As a guinea in a miser's purse.

Hard. I tell you, sir, you don't please me; Hast. So now all hopes of fortune are at so I desire you'll leave my house. an end, and we must set off without it [Aside] Mar. Sure you cannot be serious. At this Well, Charles, I'll leave you to your medita- time o'night, and such a night? You only tions on the pretty bar-maid, and, he! he! he! mean to banter me.

may you be as successful for yourself as you Hard. I tell you, sir, I'm serious; and now have been for me. [Exit. that my passions are roused, I say this house Mar. Thank ye, George; I ask no more. is mine, sir; this house is mine, and I comHa! ha! ha! mand you to leave it directly.

Enter HARDCASTLE.

Mar. Ha! ha! ha! A puddle in a storm. I shan't stir a step, I assure you. [In a serious Hard. I no longer know my own house. Tone] This your house, fellow! It's my house. It's turned all topsy-turvy. His servants have This is my house. Mine, while I choose to got drunk already. I'll bear it no longer; and stay. What right have you to bid me leave yet, from my respect for his father, I'll be this house, sir? I never met with such impucalm. [Aside] Mr. Marlow, your servant. I'm dence, curse me, never in my whole life before. your very humble servant. [Bowing low. Hard. Nor I, confound me if ever I did. Mar. Sir, your humble servant. What's To come to my house, to call for what he to be the wonder now? [Aside. likes, to turn me out of my own chair, to inHard. I believe, sir, you must be sensible, sult the family, to order his servants to get sir, that no man alive ought to be more wel- drunk, and then to tell me, this house is mine, come than your father's son, sir. I hope you sir. By all that's impudent it makes me laugh. think so. Ha! ha ha! Pray, sir, [Bantering] as you Mar. I do from my soul, sir. I don't want take the house, what think you of taking the much entreaty. I generally make my father's rest of the furniture? There's a pair of silver son welcome wherever he goes. candlesticks, and there's a firescreen, and a Hard. I believe you do, from my soul, sir. pair of bellows, perhaps you may take a fancy But though I say nothing to your own conduct, to them?

that of your servants is insufferable. Their Mar. Bring me your bill, sir, bring me your manner of drinking is setting a very bad ex-bill, and let's make no more words about it. ample in this house, I assure you. Hard. There are a set of prints too. What Mar. I protest, my very good sir, that's no think you of the Rake's Progress for your fault of mine. If they don't drink as they own apartment?

ought, they are to blame: I ordered them not Mar. Bring me your bill, I say; and I'll to spare the cellar; I did, I assure you. [To leave you and your infernal house directly. the side Scene] Here, let one of my servants Hard. Then there's a bright, brazen warmcome up. [To Hard]. My positive directions ing-pan, that you may see your own brazen were, that as I did not drink myself, they face in. should make up for my deficiencies below. Hard. Then they had your orders for what they do! I'm satisfied.

Mar. They had, I assure you: you shall hear from one of themselves.

Enter Servant, drunk.

You, Jeremy! Come forward, sirrah! What were my orders? Were you not told to drink freely, and call for what you thought fit, for the good of the house?

Mar. My bill, I say.

Hard. I had forgot the great chair, for your own particular slumbers, after a hearty meal. Mar. Zounds! bring me my bill, I say, and let's hear no more on't.

Hard. Young man, young man, from your father's letter to me, I was taught to expect a well-bred, modest man, as a visitor here, but now I find him no better than a coxcomb and a bully; but he will be down here presently, and shall hear more of it. [Exit.

Hard. I begin to lose my patience. [Aside. Mar. How's this? sure I have not mistaken Jer. Please your honour, liberty and Fleet- the house! Every thing looks like an inn. The street for ever, though I'm but a servant, I'm servants cry, coming! The attendance is awkas good as another man; I'll drink for no man ward; the bar-maid too to attend us. But before supper, sir, damme! Good liquor will she's here, and will further inform me. Whisit upon a good supper, but a good supper ther so fast, child? a word with you. will not sit upon hiccup upon my conscience, sir.

Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. Mar. You see, my old friend, the fellow is Miss H. Let it be short then; I'm in a hurry. as drunk as he can possibly be. I don't know-I believe he begins to find out his mistake, what you'd have more, unless you'd have the but it's too soon quite to undeceive him. poor devil soused in a beer-barrel.

Hard. Zounds! He'll drive me distracted if I contain myself any longer. [Aside] Mr. Marlow, sir, I have submitted to your insolence for more than four hours, and I see no likelihood of its coming to an end. I'm now resolved to be master here, sir, and I desire that you and your drunken pack may leave my house directly.

Mar. Leave your house!-Sure you jest, my good friend? What, when I'm doing what I can to please you?

[Aside.

Mar. Pray, child, answer me one question. What are you, and what may your business in this house be?

to

Miss H. A relation of the family, sir.
Mar. What, a poor relation?

Miss H. Yes, sir. A poor relation appointed keep the keys, and to see that the guests want nothing in my power to give them. Mar. That is, you act as the bar-maid of this inn.

Miss H. Inn! O law-What brought that

in your head? One of the best families in the be locked up, or sent to my aunt Pedigree's, county to keep an inn. Ha! ha! ha! old Mr. which is ten times worse. Hardcastle's house an inn! Tony. To be sure, aunts of all kinds are Mar. Mr. Hardcastle's house! Is this house damn'd bad things. But what can I do? I Mr. Hardcastle's house, child? have got you a pair of horses that will fly like Miss H. Ay, sir, whose else should it be? Whistlejacket, and I'm sure you can't say but Mar. So then all's out, and I have been I have courted you nicely before her face. damnably imposed on. O, confound my stupid Here she comes; we must court a bit or two head, I shall be laughed at over the whole more, for fear she should suspect us. town. I shall be stuck up in caricatura in all the print-shops. The Dullissimo Maccaroni. To mistake this house of all others for an inn, and my father's old friend for an innkeeper. Mrs. H. Well, I was greatly fluttered, to What a swaggering puppy must he take me be sure. But my son tells me it was all a for. What a silly puppy do I find myself. mistake of the servants. I shan't be easy, There again, may I be hang'd, my dear, but however, till they are fairly married, and then I mistook you for the bar-maid. let her keep her own fortune. But what do

[They retire, and seem to fondle.

Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE.

Miss H. Dear me! dear me! I'm sure there's I see? Fondling together, as I am alive. I nothing in my behaviour te put me upon a never saw Tony so sprightly before. Ah! have level with one of that stamp. I caught you, my pretty doves! What, billMar. Nothing, my dear, nothing. But Iing, exchanging stolen glances, and broken was in for a list of blunders, and could not murmurs? Ah! help making you a subscriber. My stupidity Tony. As for murmurs, mother, we grumble saw every thing the wrong way. I mistook a little now and then, to be sure. But there's your assiduity for assurance, and your sim- no love lost between us. plicity for allurement. But it's over- This house I no more show my face in.

Miss H. I hope, sir, I have done nothing to disoblige you. I'm sure I should be sorry to affront any gentleman who has been so polite, and said so many civil things to me. I'm sure I should be sorry, [Pretending to cry] if he left the family upon my account. I'm sure I should be sorry people said any thing amiss, since I have no fortune but my character.

Mrs. H. A mere sprinkling, Tony, upon the flame, only to make it burn brighter.

Miss N. Cousin Tony promises to give us more of his company at home. Indeed he shan't leave us any more. It won't leave us, cousin Tony, will it?

Tony. O! it's a pretty creature. No, I'd sooner leave my horse in a pound, than leave you when you smile upon one so. Your laugh makes you so becoming.

Mar. By heaven, she weeps. This is the Miss N. Agreeable cousin! who can help first mark of tenderness I ever had from a admiring that natural humour, that pleasant, modest woman, and it touches me. [Aside. broad, red, thoughtless-[Palling his Check] Miss H. I'm sure my family is as good as Ah! it's a bold face. miss Hardcastle's, and though I'm poor, that's no great misfortune to a contented mind, and until this moment I never thought that it was bad to want fortune.

Mrs. H. Pretty innocence!

Tony. I'm sure I always lov'd cousin Con's hazel eyes, and her pretty long fingers, that she twists this way and that over the harpsicholls, like a parcel of bobbins.

Mar. And why now, my pretty simplicity? Miss H. Because it puts me at a distance! Mrs. H. Ah, he would charm the bird from from one, that if I had a thousand pounds I the tree. I was never so happy before. My would give it all to. boy takes after his father, poor Mr. Lumpkin, Mar. This simplicity bewitches me, so that exactly. The jewels, my dear Con, shall be if I stay I'm undone. I must make one bold yours incontinently. You shall have them. effort, and leave her. [Aside] Excuse me, my Isn't he a sweet boy, my dear? You shall be lovely girl, you are the only part of the family married to-morrow, and we'll put off the rest I leave with reluctance. But to be plain with of his education, like Dr. Drowsy's sermons, you, the difference of our birth, fortune, and to a fitter opportunity. education, make an honourable connexion impossible; and I can never harbour a thought of bringing ruin upon one, whose only fault was being too lovely.

Enter DIGGORY.

Digg. Where's the squire? I have got a [Exit. letter for your worship.

Miss й. I never knew half his merit till Tony. Give it to my mamma. She reads now. He shall not go, if I have power or all my letters first. art to detain him. I'll still preserve the character in which I stoop'd to conquer, but will undeceive my papa, who perhaps may laugh him out of his resolution.

[Exit.

Enter TONY and Miss NEVILLE. Tony. Ay, you may steal for yourselves the next time; I have done my duty. She has got

Digg. I had orders to deliver it into your own hands.

Tony. Who does it come from? Digg. Your whorship mun ask that o'the letter itself.

Tony. I could wish to know, though.

[Turning the Letter, and gazing on it. Miss N. [Aside] Undone, undone. A letter the jewels again, that's a sure thing; but she to him from Hastings. I know the hand. If believes it was all a mistake of the servants. my aunt sees it, we are ruined for ever. 171 Miss N. But, my dear cousin, sure you won't keep her employed a little if I can. [To Mrs. forsake us in this distress. If she in the least Hardcastle] But I have not told you, madam, suspects that I am going off, I shall certainly of my cousin's smart answer just now to Mr.

Marlow. We so laugh'd

madam

hear us.

--

You must know, with scarce sense enough to keep your mouth this way a little, for he must not shut, were you too joined against me? But [They confer. I'll defeat all your plots in a moment. As for Tony. [Still gazing] A damn'd cramp piece you, madam, since you have got a pair of of penmanship as ever I saw in my life. I fresh horses ready, it would be cruel to discan read your print-hand very well. But here appoint them. So, if you please, instead of there are such handles, and shanks, and dashes, running away with your spark, prepare, this that one can scarce tell the head from the very moment, to run off with me. Your old tail. To Anthony Lumpkin, Esq. It's very aunt Pedigree will keep you secure, I'll warodd, I can read the outside of my letters, rant me. You too, sir, may mount your horse, where my own name is, well enough. But and guard us upon the way. Here, Thomas, when I come to open it, it is all-buz. That's Roger, Diggory; I'll show you, that I wish hard, very hard: for the inside of the letter is you better than you do yourselves. [Exit. always the cream of the correspondence.

Mrs. H. Ha! ba! ha! Very well, very well. And so my son was too hard for the philosopher.

Miss N. So now I'm completely ruined.
Tony. Ay, that's a sure thing.

Miss N. What better could be expected from being connected with such a stupid fool, Miss N. Yes, madam; but you must hear and after all the nods and signs I made him? the rest, madam. A little more this way, or Tony. By the laws, miss, it was your own he may hear us. You'll hear how he puzzled cleverness, and not my stupidity, that did your him again. business. You were so nice and so busy with

Mrs. H. He seems strangely puzzled now your Shake-bags and Goose-greens, that I himself, methinks. thought you could never be making believe.

Enter HASTINGS.

Tony. [Still gazing] A damn'd up and down hand, as if it was disguised in liquor. [Reading] Dear sir. Ay, that's that. Then Hast. So, sir, I find by my servant, that there's an M, and a T, and an S, but whether you have shown my letter, and betray'd us. the next be an izzard 1) or an R, confound Was this well done, young gentleman? me, I cannot tell. Tony. Here's another. Ask miss there who Mrs. H. What's that, my dear? Can I give betray'd you. Ecod, it was her doing, not mine. you any assistance?

Miss N. Pray, aunt, let me read it. Nobody reads a cramp hand better than I. [Twitching the Letter from her] Do you know who it

is from?

Tony. Can't tell, except from Dick Ginger, the feeder.

Miss N. Ay, so it is. [Pretending to read] Dear squire, hoping that you're in health, as I am at this present. The gentlemen of the Shake-bag club has cut the gentlemen of the Goose-green quite out of feather. The odds -um- old battle-um-long fighting-umhere, here, it's all about cocks, and fighting; it's of no consequence, here, put it up, put it up. [Thrusting the crumpled Letter upon him. Tony. But I tell you, miss, it's of all the consequence in the world. I would not lose the rest of it for a guinea. Here, mother, do you make it out. Of no consequence.

[Giving Mrs. Hardcastle the Letter. Mrs. H. How's this? [Reads.

Enter MARLOW.

Mar. So, I have been finely used here among you. Rendered contemptible, driven into illmanners, despised, insulted, laugh'd at.

Tony. Here's another. We shall have old Bedlam broke loose presently..

Miss N. And there, sir, is the gentleman to whom we all owe every obligation.

Mar. What can I say to him, a mere booby, an idiot, whose ignorance and age are protection.

a

Hast. A poor contemptible booby, that would but disgrace correction.

Miss N. Yet with cunning and malice enough to make himself merry with our embarrassments. Hast. An insensible cub.

Mar. Replete with tricks and mischief. Tony. Baw! damme, but I'll fight you both, one after the other-with baskets.

Mar. As for him, he's below resentment. But your conduct, Mr. Hastings, requires an Dear Squire,-I'm now waiting for Miss explanation. You knew of my mistakes, yet Neville, with a post chaise and pair, at the would not undeceive me. bottom of the garden; but I find my horses yet unable to perform the journey. I expect

Hast. Tortured as I am with my own disappointments, is this a time for explanations? you'll assist us with a pair of fresh horses, It is not friendly, Mr. Marlow. .

as you promised. Dispatch is necessary, Mar. But, sir

as the hag (ay, the hag), your mother, will Miss N. Mr. Marlow, we never kept on otherwise suspect us. Yours, HASTINGS. your mistake, till it was too late to undeceive Grant me patience. I shall run distracted. you. Be pacified. My rage chokes me.

Enter Servant.

Miss N. I hope, madam, you'll suspend your resentment for a few moments, and not im- Serv. My mistress desires you'll get ready pute to me any impertinence, or sinister design immediately, madam. The horses are putting that belongs to another. to. Your hat and things are in the next room. Mrs. H. [Courteseying very low] Fine spoken, We are to go thirty miles before morning. madam, you are most miraculously polite and [Exit. engaging, and quite the very pink of courtesy Miss N. I come. O, Mr. Marlow! if you and circumspection, madam. [Changing her knew what a scene of constraint and ill nature Tone] And you, you great ill-fashioned oaf, lies before me, I'm sure it would convert your resentment into pity.

1) An a surd, Z.