481 Lofty. Inquire. Lofty. Unfortunate indeed! And yet I can Honey. I have, but all I can learn is, that endure it. Between ourselves, I think she he chooses to remain concealed, and that all likes me. I'm not apt to boast, but I think she inquiry must be fruitless.

Lofty. Must be fruitless?

Honey. Absolutely fruitless.

Lofty. Sure of that?

Honey. Very sure.

does.

Honey. Indeed! But do son you apply to?

you

know the per

Lofty. Yes, I know you are her friend and mine: that's enough. To you, therefore, I

Lofty. Then I'll be damned if you shall ever commit the success of my passion. Let friendknow it from me.

ship do the rest. I have only to add, that if Honey. How, sir? any time my little interest can be of service Lofty. I suppose now, Mr. Honeywood, you-but, hang it, I'll make no promises-you think my rent-roll very considerable, and that know my interest is yours at any time. No I have vast sums of money to throw away; I apologies, my friend, I'll not be answered, it know you do. The world to be sure says shall be so. [Exit. such things of me. Honey. Open, generous, unsuspecting man! Honey. The world, by what I learn, is no He little thinks that I love her too; and with stranger to your generosity. But where does such an ardent passion!-But then it was ever this tend? but a vain and hopeless one; my torment, my Lofty. To nothing; nothing in the world. persecution! What shall I do? Love, friendThe town, to be sure, when it makes such a ship, a hopeless passion, a deserving friend! thing as me the subject of conversation, has Love, that has been my tormenter; a friend, asserted, that I never yet patronised a man of that has, perhaps, distress'd himself to serve merit. me. It shall be so. Yes, I will discard the Honey. I have heard instances to the con- fondling hope from my bosom, and exert all trary, even from yourself. my influence in his favour. And yet to see Lofty. Yes, Honeywood, and there are in- her in the possession of another! Insupporstances to the contrary, that you shall never table. But then to betray a generous trusting hear from myself. friend!-Worse, worse. Yes, I'm resolved. Let me but be the instrument of their happiness, and then quit a country where I must for ever despair of finding my own. [Exit. Enter OLIVIA and Garnet, who carries a Milliner's Box.

Honey Ha, dear sir, permit me to ask you but one question.

Lofty. Sir, ask me no questions: I say, sir, ask me no questions; I'll be damn'd if I answer them.

Honey. I will ask no further. My friend, my benefactor, it is, it must be here, that I Oli. Dear me, I wish this journey were over. am indebted for freedom, for honour. Yes, No news of Jarvis yet? I believe the old peethou worthiest of men, from the beginning 1 vish creature delays purely to vex me. suspected it, but was afraid to return thanks; Gar. Why, to be sure, madam, I did hear which, if undeserved, might seem reproaches. him say, "a little snubbing before marriage Lofty. Blood, sir, can't a man be permitted would teach you to bear it the better afterto enjoy the luxury of his own feelings with- wards." out all this parade?

Oli. To be gone a full hour, though he had Honey. Nay, do not attempt to conceal an only to get a bill changed in the city! How action that adds to your honour. Your looks, provoking! your air, your manner, all confess it.

Gar. I'll lay my life, Mr. Leontine, that had

Lofty. Confess it, sir. Torture itself, sir, twice as much to do, is setting off by this shall never bring me to confess it. Mr. Ho-time from his inn; and here you are left be

neywood, make me happy, and let this be hind. buried in oblivion. I hate ostentation; you Oli. Well, let us be prepared for his comknow I do. I always loved to be a friend, ing, however. Are you sure you have omitand not a patron. I beg this may make no teď nothing, Garnet? kind of distance between us.

Gar. Not a stick, madam-all's here. Yet Honey. Heavens! Can I ever repay such I wish you could take the white aud silver to friendship? be married in. It's the worst luck in the Lofty. A bagatelle, a mere bagatelle. But world, in any thing but white. I knew one I see your heart is labouring to be grateful. Bett Stubbs, of our town, that was married You shall be grateful. It would be cruel to in red; and, as sure as eggs is eggs, the bridedisappoint you. groom and she had a miff before morning.

Honey. How? Teach me the manner. Is there any way?

Lofty. From this moment you're mine. Yes,
my friend, you shall know it-I'm in love.
Honey. And can I assist you?
Lofty. Nobody so well.

Honey. In what manner? I'm all impatience.
Lofty. You shall make love for me.
Honey. And to whom?

Lofty. To a lady with whom you have great interest. Miss Richland.

Honey. Miss Richland! Was ever any thing more unfortunate?

Oli. No matter. I'm all impatience till we are out of the house.

Gar. Bless me, madam, I had almost forgot the wedding-ring!-The sweet little thing!-I don't think it would go on my little finger. And what if I put in a gentleman's night-cap, in case of necessity, madam? But here's Jarvis.

Enter JARVIS.

Oli. O Jarvis, are you come at last? We have been ready this half hour. Now let's be going. Let us fly!

Jar. Ay, to Jericho; for we shall have no ried myself. I'll tell you a story about that. going to Scotland this bout, I fancy. Oli. A story! when I'm all impatience to Oii. How? What's the matter? be away, Was there ever such a dilatory Jar. Money, money, is the matter, madam. creature! We have got no money. What the plague do Jar. Well, madam, if we must march, why you send me of your fool's errand for? My we will march, that's all. Though, odds bobs, master's bill upon the city is not worth a rush. we have still forgot one thing we should neHere it is; Mrs. Garnet may pin up her hair ver travel without-a case of good razors, and with it. a box of shaving-powder. But no matter, I Oli. Undone! How could Honeywood serve believe we shall be pretty well shaved by the us so? What shall we do? Can't we go with- way. [Going, out it?

Jar. Go to Scotland without money? To Scotland without money! Lord, how some people understand geography!

Re-enter GARNET.

Gar. Undone, undone, madam. Ah, Mr. Jarvis, you said right enough. As sure as Oli. What a base insincere man was your death, Mr. Honeywood's rogue of a drunken master, to serve us in this manner. Is this butler dropped the letter before he went ten his good nature? yards from the door. There's old Croaker has Jar. Nay, don't talk ill of my master, ma- just picked it up, and is this moment reading dam. I won't bear to hear any body talk ill it to himself in the hall. of him but myself. Oli. Unfortunate! We shall be discovered. Gar. Bless us! now I think on't, madam, Gar. No, madam, don't be uneasy; he can you need not be under any uneasiness: I saw make neither head nor tail of it. To be sure Mr. Leontine receive forty guineas from his he looks as if he was broke loose from Bedfather just before he set out, and he can't yet lam about it, but he can't find what it means, have left the inn. A short letter will reach for all that.-O lud, he is coming this way h'm there. all in the horrors!

Oli, I'll write immediately. How's this? Bless Oli. Then let us leave the house this instant, me, my hand trembles so I can't write a word, for fear he should ask further questions. In Do you write, Garnet; and, upon second the mean time, Garnet, do you write and send thoughts, it will be better from you. off just such another.

Gar. Truly, madam, I write and indite but poorly. I never was cute at my larning. But I'll do what I can to please you. Let me see. All out of my own head, I suppose?

Oli. Whatever you please.

Enter CROAKER.

[Exeunt.

Croak. Death and destruction! Are all the horrors of air, fire, and water to be levelled

Gar. [Writes] Muster Croaker-Twenty only at me? Am I only to be singled out for guineas, madam?

Oli. Ay, twenty will do.

gunpowder-plots, combustibles, and conflagration? Here it is-an incendiary letter dropped Gar. At the bar of the Talbot till called at my door. [Reads] To muster Croaker, for. Expedition-will be blown up-all of these with speed.-Ay, ay, plain enough the a flame-quick, dispatch-Cupid, the little direction. All in the genuine incendiary spellgod of love.-I conclude it, madam, with Cu-ing, and as cramp as the devil.--With speed. pid; I love to see a love-letter end like poetry.-O, confound your speed!-But let me read Oli. Well, well, what you please-any thing. it once more.-Mustar Croakar, as some as But how shall we send it? I can trust none yoew see this, leve twenty gunnes at the of the servants of this family. bar of the Talboot tell caled for, or yowe Gar. Odso, madam, Mr. Honeywood's butler and yower experetion will be al blown up. is in the next room: he's a dear, sweet man;-Ah, but too plain. Blood and gunpowder he'll do any thing for me. in every line of it. Blown up! murderous Jar. He! the dog, he'll certainly commit dog! All blown up!-Heavens! what have I some blunder: he's drunk and sober ten times and my poor family done, to be all blown up? a day. -Our pockets are low, and money we must Oli. No matter. Fly, Garnet. Any body have.-Ay, there's the reason; they'll blow us we can trust will do. [Exit Garnet] Well, up, because they have got low pockets. It is Jarvis, now we can bave nothing more to in- but a short time you have to consider; for terrupt us. You may take up the things and if this takes wind, the house will quickly carry them on to the inn.-Have you no hands, be all of a flame.-Inhuman monsters! blow Jarvis? us up, and then burn us! The earthquake at

Jar. Soft and fair, young lady. You, that Lisbon was but a bonfire to it.-Make quick are going to be married, think things can ne- dispatch. And so no more at present; but ver be done too fast; but we that are old, may Cupid, the little god of love, go with and know what we are about, must elope me- you wherever you go. The little god of love! thodically, madam. Cupid, the little god of love go with me! Go Oli. Well, sure, if my indiscretions were you to the devil, you and your little Cupid to be done over againtogether! I'm so frightened, I scarce know Jar. My life for it, you would do them ten whether I sit, stand, or go. Perhaps this moment I'm treading on lighted matches, blazing Oli. Why will you talk so? If you knew brimstone, and barrels of gunpowder. They how unhappy they make meare preparing to blow me up into the clouds. Jar. Very unhappy, no doubt: I was once-Murder! We shall be all burnt in our beds; just as unhappy when I was going to be mar- we shall be all burnt in our beds!

times over.

Enter Miss RICHLAND.

Miss R. Lord, sir, what's the matter? Croak. Murder's the matter. We shall be all blown up in our beds before morning. Miss R. I hope not, sir.

I fear your judgment has since corrected the errors of a first impression. We generally show to most advantage at first. Our sex are like poor tradesmen, that put all their best goods to be seen at the windows.

Croak. What signifies what you hope, ma- Honey. The first impression, madam, did dam, when I have a certificate of it here in indeed deceive me. I expected to find a womy hand? Will nothing alarm my family? man with all the faults of conscious, flattered Sleeping and cating, sleeping and eating, is beauty; I expected to find her vain and inthe only work from morning till night in my solent. But every day has since taught me house. My insensible crew could sleep, though that it is possible to possess sense without rocked by an earthquake, and fry beef-steaks pride, and beauty without affectation. at a volcano. Miss R. This, sir, is a style very unusual Miss R. But, sir, you have alarmed them so with Mr. Honeywood; and I should be glad often already, we have nothing but earth- to know why he thus attempts to increase quakes, famines, plagues, and mad dogs, from that vanity which his own lessons had taught year's end to year's end. You remember, sir, me to despise. it is not above a month ago, you assured us of a conspiracy among the bakers to poison us in our bread; and so kept the whole family a week upon potatoes.

Honey. I ask pardon, madam. Yet, from our long friendship, I presumed I might have some right to offer, without offence, what you may refuse without offending.

Croak. And potatoes were too good for Miss R. Sir! I beg you'd reflect, though I them. But why do I stand talking here with fear I shall scarce have any power to refuse a girl, when I should be facing the enemy a request of yours; yet you may be precipiwithout?-Here, John! Nicodemus! search the tate: consider, sir.

house. Look into the cellars, to see if there Honey. I own my rashness; but as I plead be any combustibles below; and above, in the the cause of friendship, of one who lovesapartments, that no matches be thrown in at don't be alarmed, madam-who loves you the windows. Let all the fires be put out, with the most ardent passion, whose whole and let the engine be drawn out in the yard, happiness is placed in you. to play upon the house in case of necessity.

[Exit.

Miss R. I fear, sir, I shall never find whom you mean by this description of him. Miss R. What can he mean by all this? Honey. Ah, madam, it but too plainly points Yet why should I inquire, when he alarms us him out, though he should be too humble in this manner almost every day? But Honey- himself to urge his pretensions, or you too wood has desired an interview with me in modest to understand them.

private. What can he mean? or rather what. Miss R. Well, it would be affectation any means this palpitation at his approach? It is longer to pretend ignorance; and I will own, the first time he ever showed any thing in his sir, I have long been prejudiced in his favour. conduct that seemed particular. Sure he can-It was but natural to wish to make his heart not mean to-But he's here. mine, as he seemed himself ignorant of its value.

Re-enter HONEYWOOD.

Honey. I see she always loved him. [Aside] Honey. I presumed to solicit this interview, I find, madam, you're already sensible of his madam, before I left town, to be permitted-worth, his passion. How happy is my friend, Miss R. Indeed! Leaving town, sir? to be the favourite of one with such sense to Honey. Yes, madam; perhaps the kingdom. distinguish merit, and such beauty to reward it. I have presumed, I say, to desire the favour Miss R. Your friend, sir? What friend? of this interview, in order' to disclose some- Honey. My best friend-my friend, Mr. thing which our long friendship prompts. And Lofty, madam. yet my fears

Miss R. He, sir?

Miss R. Amazement!- No more of this, I

Miss R. His fears! What are bis fears to Honey. Yes, he, madam. He is indeed what mine? [Aside] We have indeed been long your warmest wishes might have formed him; acquainted, sir; very long. If I remember, and to his other qualities, he adds that of the our first meeting was at the French ambassa- most passionate regard for you. dor's. Do you recollect how you were pleased to rally me upon my complexion there? beg you, sir. Honey. Perfectly, madam, I presumed to reprove you for painting; but your warmer blushes soon convinced the company that the colouring was all from nature.

Miss Ř. And yet you only meant it, in your good-natured way, to make me pay a compliment to myself. In the same manner you danced that night with the most awkward woman in company, because you saw nobody else would take her out.

Honey. I see your confusion, madam, and know how to interpret it. And since I so plainly read the language of your heart, shall I make my friend happy, by communicating your sentiments?

Miss R. By no means.

Honey. Excuse me, I must; I know you desire it.

Miss R. Mr. Honeywood, let me tell you, that you wrong my sentiments and yourself. Honey. Yes, and was rewarded the next When I first applied to your friendship, I exnight by dancing with the finest woman in pected advice and assistance; but now, sir, I company, whom every body wished to take see that it is vain to expect happiness from him, who has been so bad an economist of Miss R. Well, sir, if you thought so then, his own; and that I must disclaim his friend

out.

ship, who ceases to be a friend to himself. hensions, and put it in the power of every [Exit. low fellow, that can scrawl ten words of Honey. How is this? She has confessed she wretched spelling, to torment us? loved him, and yet she seemed to part in displeasure. Can I have done any thing to reproach myself with? No, I believe not: yet, to after all, these things should not be done by snake?" a third person.

Re-enter CROAKER, with a Letter in his
Hand, and MRS. CROAKer,

Mrs. C. Ha, ha, ha! And so, my dear, it's your supreme wish that I should be quite wretched upon this occasion? Ha, ha!

Honey. Without doubt, nothing more absurd.
Croak. How! would it not be more absurd
despise the rattle till we are bit by the

Honey. Without doubt, perfectly absurd.
Croak. Then you are of my opinion?
Honey. Entirely.

Mrs. C. And you reject mine?

Honey. Heavens forbid, madam. No, sure no reasoning can be more just than yours. Croak. A plague of plagues, we can't be both right.

Croak. [Mimics] Ila, ha, ha! And so, my dear, it's your supreme pleasure to give me Honey. And why may not both be right, no better consolation? madam?-Mr. Croaker, in earnestly seeking Mrs. C. Positively, my dear, what is this redress, and you in waiting the event with incendiary stuff and trumpery to me? Our good humour? Pray let me see the letter again. house may travel through the air, like the -I have it. This letter requires twenty guihouse of Loretto, for aught I care, if I'm to neas to be left at the bar of the Talbot inn. be miserable in it. If it be indeed an incendiary letter, what if Croak. Would to heaven it were convert- you and I, sir, go there; and when the writer ed into an house of correction, for your be- comes to be paid his expected booty, seize him? nefit. Have we not every thing to alarm us? Croak. My dear friend, it's the very thing, Perhaps this very moment the tragedy is be- the very thing. While I walk by the door, ginning. you shall plant yourself in ambush near the Mrs. C. Then let us reserve our distress till bar, burst out upon the miscreant like a masked the rising of the curtain, or give them the battery, extort a confession at once, and so oney they want, and have done with them. hang him up by surprise. Croak. Give them my money?-And pray what right have they to my money?

Mrs. C. And pray what right then have you to my good humour?

Croak. And so your good humour advises me to part with my money? Why then, to tell your good humour a piece of my mind, I'd sooner part with my wife. Here's Mr. Honeywood, see what he'll say to it. My dear Honeywood, look at this incendiary letter dropped at my door. It will freeze you with terror; and yet lovey here can read it-can read it, and laugh.

Mrs. C. Yes, and so will Mr. Honeywood. Croak. If he does, I'll suffer to be hanged the next minute in the rogue's place, that's all. Mrs. C. Speak, Mr. Honeywood, is there any thing more foolish than my husband's fright upon this occasion?

Honey. It would not become me to decide, madam; but doubtless the greatness of his terrors now will but invite them to renew their villany another time.

Honey. Yes; but I would not choose to exercise too much severity. It is my maxim, sir, that crimes generally punish themselves. Croak. Well, but we may upbraid him a little, I suppose? [Ironically. Honey. Ay, but not punish him too rigidly. Croak. Well, well, leave that to my own benevolence.

Honey. Well, I do; but remember that universal benevolence is the first law of nature. [Exeunt Honeywood and Mrs. Croaker. Croak. Yes, and my universal benevolence will hang the dog, if he had as many necks as a bydra. [Exil.

ACT V.
SCENE I.-An Inn.

Enter OLIVIA and JARVIS.

answer

Oli. Well, we have got safe to the inn, however. Now, if the post-chaise were readyJar. The horses are just finishing their oats; and, as they are not going to be married, Mrs. C. I told you he'd be of my opinion. they choose to take their own time. Besides, Croak. How, sir! do you maintain that I you don't consider, we have got no should lie down under such an injury, and from our fellow traveller yet. If we hear show, neither by my tears or complaints, that nothing from Mr. Leontine, we have only one I have something of the spirit of a man in me? way left us. Honey. Pardon me, sir; the surest way to have redress is to be earnest in the pursuit of it.

Croak. Ay, whose opinion is he of now? Mrs. C. But don't you think that laughing off our fears is the best way?

Oli. What way?

Jar. The way home again.

Oli. No; I have made a resolution to go, and nothing shall induce me to break it.

Jar. Well, I'll go hasten things without; and I'll call too at the bar, to see if any thing Honey. What is the best, madam, few can should be left for us there. Don't be in such say; but I'll maintain it to be a very wise way. a plaguy hurry, madam, and we shall go the Croak. But we're talking of the best. Surely faster. the best way is to face the enemy in the field, and not wait till he plunders us in our very

bed-chamber.

Enter LEONtine.

[Exit.

Leon. My dear Olivia, my anxiety till you

Mrs. C. But can any thing be more absurd were out of danger, was too great to be rethan to double our distresses by our appre-sisted. I could not help coming to see you

set out, though it exposes us to a discovery. Jestly he entered into my griefs, you would Oli. May every thing you do prove as for- love him as I do. [A cry without, Stop him] tunate. Indeed, Leontine, we have been most Fire and fury! they have seized the incendiary: cruelly disappointed. Mr. Honeywood's bill they have the villain, the incendiary in view. upon the city has, it seems, been protested, Stop him, stop an incendiary, a murderer; and we have been utterly at a loss how to stop him. proceed.

[Exit.

Oli. Oh, my terrors! what can this new Leon. How! an offer of his own too. Sure tumult mean? he could not mean to deceive us. Leon. Some new mark, I suppose, of Mr. Oli. Depend upon his sincerity; he only Honeywood's sincerity; but we shall have samistook the desire for the power of serving tisfaction: he shall give me instant satisfaction. But let us think no more of it. I wishi Oli. It must not be, my Leontine; whatever the post-chaise was ready. be our fate, let us not add guilt to our mis[They go up the Stage. fortunes: you must forgive him.

us.

Leon. Forgive him! Hlas he not in every Enter CROAKER, unperceived. instance betrayed us? Forced me to borrow Croak. Well, while my friend Honeywood money from him, which appears a mere trick is upon the post of danger at the bar, it must to delay us? promised to keep my father enbe my business to have an eye about me here. gaged till we were out of danger, and here 1 think I know an incendiary's look; for wher- brought him to the very scene of our escape? ever the devil makes a purchase, he never fails Oli. Don't be precipitate; we may yet be to set his mark.-Ha! who have we here? My mistaken. son and daughter! What can they be doing here?

[Aside. Enter Postboy, dragging in JARVIS, followed Oli. Every moment we stay increases our by HONEYWOOD. danger, and adds more to my apprehensions. Post. Ay, master, we have him fast enough: Leon. There's no danger, if Honeywood has here is the incendiary dog. I'm entitled to the kept my father, as he promised, in employment. reward. I'll take my oath I saw him ask for Oli. My fears are from your father's sus- the money at the bar, and then run for it. picions. Honey. Come, bring him along; let us see Leon. But, believe me, Olivia, you have no him. [Discovers his Mistake] Death! what's great reason to dread his resentment. His re- here? Jarvis, Leontine, Olivia! What can all pining temper, as it does no manner of injury this mean?

:

to himself, so will it never do harm to others; Jar. Why, I'll tell you what it means that he only frets to keep himself employed, and I was an old fool, and that you are my mascolds for his private amusement.

Oli. I don't know that; but I'm sure, on some occasions, it makes him look most shockingly.

Croak. [Discovers himself] How does he look now? How does he look now?

Oli. Ah!

Leon. Undone,

ster-that's all.

Honey. Confusion.

Leon. Yes, sir, I find you have kept your word with me. After such baseness, I wonder how you can venture to see the man you have injured.

Honey. My dear Leontine, by my life, my honour

Leon. Peace, peace, for shame; I know you, sir; I know you.

Honey. Why, won't you hear me? By all that's just, I knew not

Croak. How do I look now? Sir, I am your very humble servant. Madam, I am yours. What, you are going off, are you? Then first, if you please, take a word or two from me with you before you go. Tell me first Leon. Hear you, sir! to what purpose? I where you are going? and when you have told me that, perhaps I shall know as little as

I did before.

Leon. If that be so, our answer might but increase your displeasure, without adding to your information."

now see through all your low arts; your ever complying with every opinion; your never refusing any request; your friendship as common as a prostitute's favours, and as fallacious; all these, sir, have long been contemptible to the world, and are now perfectly so

Croak. I want no information from you, to me. puppy and you too, good madam, what an- Honey. Ha! contemptible to the world! swer have you got, eh? [A cry without, Stop that reaches me.

[Aside. him] I think I heard a noise. My friend, Leon. All the seeming sincerity of your Honeywood, without-has he seized the incen- professions, I now find were only allurements diary? Ah, no; for now I hear no more on't. to betray; and all your seeming regret for their Leon. Honeywood, without! Then, sir, it consequences, only calculated to cover the was Mr. Honeywood that directed you hither? cowardice of your heart. Draw, villain! Croak. No, sir, it was Mr. Honeywood

conducted me hither.

Leon. Then, sir, he's a villain.

Re-enter CROAKER, out of Breath.

Croak. How, sirrah, a villain! because he Croak. Where is the villain? Where is the takes most care of your father? Honeywood incendiary? [Seizes the Postboy] Hold him is a friend to the family, and I'll have him fast, the dog; he has the gallows in his face. Come, you dog, confess; confess all, and hang

treated as such.

Leon. I shall study to repay his friendship yourself. as it deserves.

Post. Zounds, master, what do throttle

Croak. Ab, rogue, if you knew how earn-me for?

you