shepherds of Israel, 'The diseased have ye not strengthened, neither have ye healed that which was sick; neither have ye bound up that which was broken; neither have ye brought again that which was driven away; neither have ye sought that which was lost; but with force and with cruelty have ye ruled them; ye have thrust with side and with shoulder, and pushed all the diseased with your horns, till ye have scattered them abroad.' Gal. i. 7, 8; Rom. xv, 29, Ezek. xxxiv. throughout.

My conscience was filled at times with terrible apprehensions of the wrath to come. Heavy, dark, and afflicting providences pursued me, and the hand of the Lord appeared going out against me in every way, and every thing that befel me. Hearing nothing to encourage a poor helpless sinner, but the reverse-man was indeed fallen but had all his powers, and capable of doing much —while, on the contrary, the Holy Ghost was continually convincing me of my utter helpless and wretched condition. So that what I heard and what the Lord taught in my soul, was all contradiction and confusion.

While these things were going on in my soul, I was filled at times, with murmurings against the Lord, for his severe dealings (as I thought) with me, and used to mutter over those bitter complaints recorded in Lam. iii. 1 -18, as they exactly suited my feelings; see also Job iii. 20; vii. 15-21; ix. 17, 18, 27-35; Psalm lxxxviii. and cii. 1-11. My cries to God were many and frequent, and sometimes for days together, I could think of nothing but Lord help me,' 'O Lord I am oppressed, undertake for me.' I was sorely distressed because I could not receive what is called the overture of mercy, as others did.

I then tried the people again, to know how they did to receive Christ, to get faith and salvation, and what they felt of their wretched natures, what meant darkness, chains, and bondage of soul in the prison-house, or how they got out; but how, or what these things were, none

could ever relate. After all my efforts, strivings, and thirstings of soul to get faith, and Christ, and salvation, and to get united to him and to love him, to have pardon of my sins and to be reconciled to God, I found it altogether impossible, and nothing could ever move me. I concluded there must be something more desperate in my nature than other sinners. This sorely staggered me, as the Lord had not led me into the chambers of imagery, (Ezek. viii.) nor taught me by experience the truth of his word (John vi. 44) in the bitter soul experience of it; and no man who has been here, will ever preach or hear the doctrine of free-will, or creature-ability, to work the work of God. For though I was so distressed, wretched, guilty, sinful, and ready to perish, and would look to Christ and come to him for mercy, then there would rise up the desperate pride, self-will of my wretched nature-as if just ready to say in the same breath, Lord be merciful to me a poor guilty, miserable, and distressed sinner-another voice from within would say, I would rather be damned than submit to Christ alone. O what hard strugglings were these in my soul, and often perplexed me day and night for a length of time. He, who from eternity gave me to Christ, he only can give Christ to my soul, and that God the Holy Ghost who anointed me in Christ, only can take of the things of Christ and show them to my soul, and witness to my eternal adoption, and bring forth that sweet cry from my soul, of 'Abba Father.' (John xvii. 2; Gal. i. 16; Psalm xlv. 7; 2 Cor. i. 21; Rom. viii. 15.)

However, to be short, finding no answers to prayer, 'hope deferred maketh the heart sick.' Prov. xiii. 12. My desperate heart was suffered again to break out, and I do tremble as I relate the awful out-breakings of a heart so desperately wicked. I was led to conclude there was no such thing as ever knowing anything about God, if there ever were any God; and if there were a God, I would go to hell and tell all the devils in hell that he was

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not faithful to his word, and that I had prayed to him so many years and had proved him so; and worse than all, my malicious heart rejoiced in doing it. Oh! what shall I say unto thee, thou preserver of men,' my long-suffering, gracious covenant God, that preserved me in Christ Jesus, called me by thy grace, and led me about and instructed me, and delivered me from the snare of the fowler, and from my own most wretched heart and devilish and malicious nature! Thou hast indeed led captivity captive, and taken the captive from the mighty, and delivered the prey from the terrible. (Isa. xlix. 25.)

Close after this I was filled with the most distressing horror of soul, as expecting shortly to be visited by the righteous judgment of God, and sent to realize my misery, which sometimes, like the kindlings of divine wrath within me, again chilled my blood. I often wandered into the fields by night, and often cried unto the Lord, but sometimes dare not look up. I would have given all the world to have been like any animal, that my soul might have died for ever to escape my misery; but alas! here was no hope for me ever to have peace or comfort like these happy creatures possessed. How did I envy their

state, and bemoan my wretched condition!

Soon after these things, as I was coming home from chapel, full of confusion and misery, on a sudden these sweet words were spoken with sweet power and comfort to my poor distressed soul: (O the tender mercy of my dear and gracious Lord.) Sanctified by God the Father, preserved in Jesus Christ, and called.' Jude i. These sweet words in a measure relieved my mind. I cannot pass over this without remarking the tender mercies and watchful eye of my dear covenant God to my soul, in my deep distress and misery, notwithstanding my awful rebellion and sin, as a proof of his good pleasure to me in Christ alone, to the praise of the glory of that grace which chose and accepted me, in the beloved.

These sweet scriptures given me by the Lord at

different times were all I had to live upon, and there was life in them. (Deut. viii. 3, John vi. 63,) Alas! the sweetness and power that came with these words were soon gone; but these words stuck fast by me, in Christ Jesus.'. Yet how to get in Christ Jesus' and to be preserved in him I could not get at, nor understand. Numbers of scriptures such as • If any

man be in Christ,' Ye are all one in Christ Jesus.' 'To all the saints in Christ Jesus,' &c. But how to get in Christ, or what it was to be in Christ, here was the mystery. I could not get in by faith, for I could not believe; nor by works, for I was condemned in all by the law as sin. I was exhorted to get an interest in Christ, to put on Christ, to apply the promises, to appropriate Christ to myself, to love Christ, &c. Sometimes there was something said about an emanation or an influence, but this thing I could not find in all the word of God. This was darkening counsel by words without knowledge. (Job xxxviii. 2.) Alas, I had no strength, no faith, no love, nor could I cultivate any, all was dismal bondage, darkness, and confusion; nor could I cultivate any thing but sin, unbelief, and fear that hath torment; all that I heard only tended to confusion, and to gall my afflicted conscience.

However, being under a legal spirit, and fearing I might be wrong, I still attended, though with great grief to my wounded conscience, and the great question still undecided, how to get an interest in Christ. And before I show the way in which it pleased the Lord to bring me acquainted with the letter of his precious truth and the plan of salvation, as a means of relieving my anxiety + that time, I must beg leave to state, that he has been pleased to lead me about and instruct me, by many of what are called heavy, afflicting, and perplexing providences, which he in his wisdom and eternal purpose was pleased to appoint in my path, and in his mercy brought to pass. While passing through these, my wisdom was

often confounded and shown to be foolishness, and perverted my way, and my heart fretted against the Lord; every attempt to extricate myself only tended to my own confusion and distress, and to mortify the pride and selfwill of my stubborn nature, for in every one the Lord seemed to say, 'My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure.' My glory will I not give to another, neither my praise to graven images.' Isa. xlvi. 10, xlii. 8. The purposes of the Lord being deep laid in his eternal wisdom, (Psalm xxxvi. 6; xcii. 5; lxxvii. 19.) every circumstance connected with these dispensations was so ordered as to place deliverance beyond the reach of an arm of flesh; and many times the Lord has shut up my mind from seeking help from that quarter; and notwithstanding my many murmurings and rebellion, he has sometimes so broke down my spirit into the sweet experience of that scripture, Psalm cxxiii. 1, 2, and brought me to his feet to wait his mercy alone to deliver, and he has so often manifested his kind deliverances in his own way and time, and by his own power, and sealed the conviction upon my poor heart even in the most trifling circumstances, as they are called (Matt. x. 29, 30; Rom. xi. 33-36,) as to make his leadings in providence most sacred and sweet to my soul, and his glory dear to my heart.

With these things in my mind, I cannot pass over the providence which the Lord appointed to open the correspondence with his servant HAWKER, seeing the Lord himself hath recorded a similar instance in Acts x. 5, 6. in directing Cornelius to the house where he had lodged his servant Peter. Many other similar instances are recorded, where the Lord has literally directed the steps of his people, and others also, to bring about the eternal purposes of his love: Abraham's servant was led to the very spot where, and at the very time when the appointed damsel should come. (Gen. xxiv. 27.) Gideon's feet must be directed to the very tent, and at the very moment, to hear the dream. A certain man, his wife, and two