about July, be served with a fiery-faces1; but oh! you ale-knights, you that devour the marrow of the malt, and drink whole ale-tubs into consumptions; that sing Queen Dido over a cup, and tell strange news over an ale-pot; how unfortunate are you, who shall piss out that which you have swallowed down so sweetly; you are under the law, and shall be awarded with this punishment, that the rot shall infect your purses, and eat out the bottoms, before you be aware. 19. It is also agreed upon and thought necessary, that some women's lips shall swell so big, as they shall long to kiss other men beside their husbands; others cheeks shall be so monstrously out of frame, as they cannot speak in a just cause without large fees; some with long tongues shall tell all things which they hear; some with no brains shall meddle much and know little; and those, that have no feet, may by the statute go on crutches. 20. Furthermore, it is convenient and thought meet, that ale shall exceed so far beyond its bouuds as many stomachs shall be drowned in liquor, and thereupon will follow the dropsy, to the great benefit of all physicians; it is lawful for some to take such purgative drugs, that, if nature help not, the worms, in the churches of London, shall keep their Christmas at Midsummer in their bellies: but 'FIERY-FACES.-Punning on the writ fieri facias. tailors, by this means, shall have more conscience; for, where they were wont to steal but one quarter of a cloak, they shall have due commission to nick their customers in the lace, and, beside their old fee, take more than enough for new fashion's sake. But now, touching these following articles, we are to advise old men to look with spectacles, lest, in finding over many wise lines, they wax blind with reading. 21. But now, touching the benefit of private houses, by our rare and exquisite judgments, we think it very commodious, that those married men. of weakest wit, and worse courage, should provide themselves with good weapons, to defend themselves from assaults, which shall assail them about midnight; and it shall be lawful for all wives to have a masculine courage, in such sort, that they, who have their wills to this hour, shall have the mastery all the year after and those husbands, which do not valiantly resist them, shall be awarded to pay a sheep's head to their next neighbour, in penance for their folly. 22. As by our provident judgments we have seen into lamentable miseries, incidents in these parts of the world; so for the reformation thereof, we do ordain and enact, that the oil of holly shall prove a present remedy for a shrewd housewife, accounting Socrates for a flat fool, that suffered his wife to crown him with a piss-pot; ordaining that all those, that give their wives their own wills, be fools by act of parliament. 23. Also, it is farther established and agreed upon, that Essex calves shall indict butcher's knives of wilful murder; and whosoever will prove a partial juryman, shall have a hot sheep's skin for his labour. Bow bell in Cheapside, if it break not, shall be warranted by letters patents to ring well; and, if the conduit heads want no water, the tankardbearers shall have one custard more to their solemn dinners, than their usual custom. 24. Moreover, it is thought good, that it shall be lawful for all tripe-wives to be exquisite physicians, for in one offal they shall find more simples, than ever Galen gathered since he was christened ; besides, if dancers keep not tide and time in their measures, they shall forfeit a fat goose to their teacher, for their slender judgment. The French morbus,' by commission, shall be worth three weeks diet, and they, who have but one shirt to shift them withal, may, by the law, strain courtesy to wear a foul one upon the Sunday; also our commission shall be sent forth for the increase of hemp, as not only upland-ground shall be plentifully stored therewith, but also it shall so prosper in the highways,2 'THE FRENCH MORBUS-i.c., The disease. as the stalks thereof shall touch the top of Tyburn. 25. In like manner, we think it necessary and convenient, that there shall be great noise of wars in taverns, and wine shall make some venturous, as they will destroy Tyrone' and all his power at one draught; also we think it meet, that there be craft in all occupations, and those, that are penitent in this world, shall have comfort in a better; silk-weavers by the statute, shall prosper well, if they wash their hands clean on fasting-days, for otherwise, in soiling their work, they shall lose their workmasters: daws, by authority, shall leave building in steeples, and dwell in cities; and such as are cunning in music, shall know a crotchet from a quaver; but let such men, as instruct youth, be very circumspect; for, if they learn more than their masters can teach them, they shall forfeit their wits to those that bring them up. 26. Furthermore, we think it most necessary and convenient, that the generation of Judas should walk about the world, in these our latter days, and sell their neighbour for commodity to any man; but the usurers shall be otherwise disposed, for, having monthly taken but a penny in the shilling, ever since they first began their occupation, shall now, with a gool conscience, venture upon three pence with the advantage; besides, many men shall prove themselves apparently knavish, and yet, in their own opinions, will not be so; and many women shall imagine that there are none fairer than themselves. 27. Moreover, for the further increase of foolish humours, we do establish and set down, that fantastic devices shall prove most excellent; and some shall so long devise for other men, that they will become barren themselves; some shall devise novelties to their own shames, and some snares to entrap themselves with. 28. In like manner, we think it most necessary, that those, who be fortune tellers, shall shut a knave in a circle, and, looking about for a devil, shall find him locked in their own bosoms; atheists, by the law, shall be as odious as they are carles1; and those that depend on destiny, and not on God, may chance look through a narrow lattice at Footmen's Inn': But, my dear friends, the grocers are plentifully blessed, for their figs and rasins may allure fair lasses by authority: yea, many men, by the statute, shall be so kind-hearted, that a kiss and an apple shall serve to make them innocents. 29. It is further agreed upon and established, that many strange events shall happen in those houses, where the maid is predominant with her 'CARLE.-A churl, a bondman; a clown. FOOTMAN'S INN.-Bridewell. |