Pagina-afbeeldingen
PDF
ePub

every possible occasion apparently tried hard to anticipate them. We never had even a word of dissension either; for whenever our tastes and opinions differed on any subject, she invariably insisted on yielding in my favour, and obliged me to have my own way. But further than this we never got. I never saw her eye brighten at my approach, or heard her voice take a tenderer tone when she addressed me; there was no caress in her manner towards me, and she seemed perfectly indifferent as to whether I was with her or not. Like two parallel lines we moved along, ever together, but ever apart-always near, but never approximating; and, beyond knowing that she had the sweetest and most amiable disposition in the world, I knew no more of the inner life of thought and feeling of my own wife than if she had been a thousand miles away from me.

66

Strangers yet" we indeed were, even after having been a year together; but how completely so the relation of a little incident, which occurred at this period, will best show. I had occasion to go up to town on business, for a week, one time; and on the day of my departure, after having shaken hands with the old lady and Mrs. Wynne, who was then staying with us, I was just taking my wife's hand also, when Alice called out:

"Oh, Charley, I'm really ashamed of you! to think of bidding your wife good-bye for a whole week in that cold fashion! Give her a parting kiss, sir, or I shall never think well of you again as long as I live."

I must confess that I felt myself growing most uncomfortably red when my cousin said this; but I at once bent my head to act upon her suggestion, and would have given the kiss, had not my wife divined my intention and coldly turned her cheek to me. Now I am sure that, had she known what it would cost me, she would not have given me this rebuff, for she was kindness itself; but as it was, so deeply was I hurt and wounded by it, that I swear I never felt a keener or sharper pang, even when the Russians amused

themselves by peppering me in the Crimea.

"Dans l'amour il y a toujours l'un qui baise et l'un qui tend la joue," says a French writer, and he is quite right; no two people are ever equally fond of each other-there must always be an excess of affection on one side or the other. But I think the remark might be supplemented by saying that no two married people ever continued very long equally indifferent to each other either— the feeling being certain, in one of the parties, eventually to change into love or hatred. As a case in point: for some time I used to think that our indifference was perfectly well matched; but after a while, when the gloss of novelty wore off, the feeling of delight with which I entered on my fair possessions, I used to wonder, though by no means of an introspective habit, or given to self-analysis, why it was that I was not happier, why I experienced such a feeling of dissatisfaction at everything, and why I felt as though I were hungry and thirsty, nay, starving in the midst of plenty, and when I had apparently all that heart could desire. But as time wore on, and I found myself trembling at the sound of a certain light footfall, and blushing like a schoolboy if by chance my hand came in contact with a certain small white one, say in assisting its owner in or out of the carriage, &c., I at last awoke to the startling and painful conviction that I was deeply, irrevocably, passionately in love with my own wife. I have used the words 'startling and painful," because I had never previously experienced a stronger affection for anything feminine than that with which my favourite mare had inspired me, and because I was so bitterly conscious of my wife's indifference. Indeed, as I was thus fully persuaded of her coldness, and too proud to beg for her love, this state of things might have gone on for ever, had not an event at length occurred which not only interrupted the even tenor of our way, but at once changed the whole aspect of affairs; and it happened in this wise: One day, while out

[ocr errors]

riding, I was thrown from my horse, and so severely hurt that my recovery was very slow indeed; so slow that, as I had not been in good health previously, the doctors began to fear the worst, and at last informed me that if I wished my days to be long in the land, I must go to a milder climate before the winter set in. I shall never forget my sensations when these tidings were communicated to me. Like Hezekiah of old, I turned my face to the wall, and mourned sore; for I knew, of course, that there was no chance of my wife accompanying me, and the thought of leaving her was worse than death to me. You see I was under no misconception regarding my feelings then; by that time I was only too fully aware that for me the world was but divided into two parts: where she was, and that dreary waste where she was not.

For some time after the fiat had gone forth for me I lay on the couch in my sanctum, as it were, stunned and speechless from grief; but I was at last aroused from the painful reverie into which I had fallen by hearing some one enter the room, and on turning round and looking up, I saw my wife bending

[merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small]

She hesitated a second, and then said timidly

"If you think you'd be lonely with no one but Johnson, and would like me to go with you, I will do so."

It was the old story; I knew it quite well. She was as willing to practise self-denial in great things as in small; but I was determined to be firm on this occasion, and resist the sweet temptation of letting her come with me against her will. So I answered promptly and decidedly

"Not for the world."

And before I had time to explain my reasons, as I had intended doing, she had quitted the room, and I was once more left alone with my sad thoughts.

me

Well, the day came round only too quickly on which I was to bid adieu to my home and all that was dearest to me on earth; and when I saw the carriage drive up in which I was to go to Southampton-I was too ill to travel by rail I felt almost broken-hearted; for a terrible presentiment had seized that I was about to look upon my wife for the last time. She was alone in the library when I went to bid her goodbye, and I remarked that she looked paler than usual, and as if she had been weeping: I therefore ventured to draw her towards me, and as I bent over her I said, earnestly

"Leslie, my wife, I may never see you again; have some pity, and do not turn away this time."

She did not turn away; and, for the first time in my life I pressed my lips to hers. But directly afterwards, being afraid to trust myself to say more lest I should break down altogether, I left the room, and in a few minutes more I was driving down the avenue, weak and ill in body, and with such despair in my heart that I did not care what became of me.

It was a singularly sweet day; the sky was blue and smiling, all nature seemed to rejoice, and the scenes through which I passed were beautiful exceedingly. But what did it matter to me? For me the world was fair in vain.

E

I could not divest myself of the idea that my end was approaching, and, in the bitterness of my soul, I asked myself why I was not suffered to die in peace at home, instead of being sent forth to perish, alone and deserted,

were pleasant beyond description. The ozone in the air was so exhilarating that I felt better with every breath I drew; and besides that, there was such a glory of sunshine abroad that it fell on the blue waves with a sort of dazzling sheen

in a foreign land? Meanwhile, on I-lighting up both sea and sky with an

went, until, after a very tedious journey, I at length arrived at Southampton. When I got there I was obliged to go to an hotel, as the vessel was not to start for some hours; but directly I entered the room which had been engaged for me, I started back, thinking I had made some mistake, for I saw that it was already occupied by a lady, who was standing in the window. She turned round, however, as soon as she heard me coming in, and, in doing so, disclosed to my almost unbelieving gaze, the features of my wife!

"I could not let you go alone!" she said, as she advanced to meet me; "so you must let me go with you. I waited to the last, thinking you might retract and ask me; but as you did not do so I came down by rail, and arrived half an hour ago; and now my place is taken, and my maid is here, and everything is ready, and-and-it's too late to demur now, for I'm determined to go, even though you may not like it."

"Like it!" I exclaimed fervently; "oh, Leslie!" but then, fearing if I said too much I might frighten her back into her former coldness, I checked my self abruptly, and proceeded to tell her that I really could not accept such a sacrifice at her hands; that I knew she was coming against her will, and that that thought would make me miserable, &c. &c. But she combated all my arguments, and overruled all my objections, and in the end she had her way. When I sailed I did not go forth alone; my wife was with me.

That evening I was too much overcome by the combined effects of fatigue and excitement to leave my berth; but the next morning as I lay on the deck, with Leslie seated close beside me, and felt the vessel bounding over the glad bright waters, the sensations I experienced

intensity of radiance that I never saw equalled, and rendering the elastic atmosphere so sparkling and brilliant that the mere fact of existence under such circumstances was a pleasure in itself. Then, too, there was the charm of being alone with her; at home she always seemed in a crowd, but now we two were isolated, so to speak, from the rest of the world, sailing over the wide ocean together away and away, and she was so constantly by my side that I could gaze all day long into that sweet face which had for many months past become the one face in all the world for me.

Hence at this period, if I was not altogether happy, I at least enjoyed tranquillity and peace. But I did not get well. On the contrary, I grew gradually so much weaker, that at last I was unable to walk without help, and I could see that others besides myself were of opinion that my race was nearly run. Thus time went on, until we had nearly reached our destination; but the very night before our expected arrival I was suddenly awoke from my sleep by hearing a terrible commotion on deck, and a few moments afterwards Leslie rushed into my cabin, exclaiming breathlessly, "Oh, Charley !"-it was the first time she had ever called me so- -"the ship has sprung a leak and is sinking fast, and they are all making for the boats! For God's sake get up as fast as you can, or we shall be too late!"

Alas! she might as well have asked a blind man to see as me to hasten. I tried to do so, of course, but it was all in vain. My servant was not to be seen anywhere, and there was no one at hand to help me, sauve qui peut being the order of the night; and having only the very small assistance which poor Leslie could render me, so many precious moments

were wasted, that by the time I had succeeded in crawling up on deck all the boats had put off except one, which they said was too full to admit of their taking any more in her. However, as Leslie was a woman, and a very light weight, I knew they would not refuse her, if she persisted and consented to go alone; so I implored her to go and leave me to my fate, and try and save herself; but instead of complying she turned to me with a look in her white face which I shall never forget to my dying day, and said, "No, nothing could induce me. If you must die, I will die with you. You are my husband-in life or in death I will never leave you again!"

O strange union of two hearts so long divided! O strange destiny, only to lift the veil from those hearts when life was over, and the surging sea yawning to engulf them !

These were the thoughts which passed through my mind as she spoke, for there was that in her voice and manner which even in those dread moments filled me with wild, unutterable rapture. And when I put my arm round her and drew her closer to me-I had sunk exhausted on my sofa, which still remained on deck, and she was kneeling beside me— and looked into her face, dim as the light was, I read such a revelation there, that for an instant I felt as if heaven had been suddenly opened to me, and I gasped rather than said, "Oh, Leslie, my love, my dearest! is it-oh, is it true? have you at last learnt to care for me?"

"Care for you!" she repeated; "that is not the word. I-I-but I need not mind telling you all now. My husband, I love you-have long loved you with my whole heart; but because I knew you did not care for me I was too proud to let you see it, or

[ocr errors]

"Oh, my darling!" I cried in despair; "why did you not tell me this before? and how could you be so blind as not to see that it is love for you, or rather the fear of never being able to win yours, which has been killing me? And now it is all too late-too late!"

I folded her to my heart as I spoke ; and so absorbed in each other had we become, that for some time we did not perceive that we were now quite alone on the deserted wreck, round which an ominous silence reigned, for the last boat had departed, and the fog was so thick that it was out of sight as well as hearing. Indeed, it was owing to the denseness of the fog, and the fact that the helmsman could not see where he was going, that by a strange coincidence, almost simultaneously with the accident, the vessel ran upon a sort of sandbank, where the bow stuck fast and remained immoveable, while the rest filled and sank. To the bow we climbed, and though there was very little of it out of the water, there was yet sufficient for us to cling to, and thus enable us to keep our heads and shoulders above it. But it was both a painful and awful position, for every nerve was strained, and we expected that each moment would be our last; nevertheless, we were obliged to remain in it during all the long hours of that never-to-be-forgotten night-a night apparently so interminable that ages of time seemed to have passed over us ere it ended.

However, when the morning dawned, a joyful surprise awaited us. By some miscalculation-a most fortunate one for us-we had been much nearer land when the accident occurred than was thought; so near indeed that the people on shore could distinctly see the submerged wreck with their glasses; and as they did so as soon as it was daylight, and immediately sent over a boat for us, it thus came to pass that after all our pains and perils we got safe to land at last.

Once we got there, all was well; and before long, the danger through which we had passed, and the night of terror we had spent, seemed only like a frightful dream, from which we awoke to a delicious sense of peace and repose. I soon begun to feel better too. The secret sorrow which had been eating my heart away having been removed, my bodily health improved rapidly, and in

time I became quite myself again. Meanwhile, my wife's delight at my recovery was literally boundless; and as she had also the discovery of my love for her to rejoice over, the joy-bells rang out such constant and merry peals in both our hearts at this period, that for some time I do believe neither of us had a wish ungratified.

Oh! what pleasant days we spent together then, and what a bright world we lived in! What long walks we had, too, when I became equal to so much exertion; and what endless talks about the birth and growth of that feeling which had sprung up so mysteriously in the breast of each, unknown to the other, and which was now shedding such sweet influence over our lives that earth appeared suddenly transformed into a fairer place, and no element seemed wanting to render our happiness perfect!

Never was there a more prosaic or less romantic fellow than I had been previously; but every man has his day

-that day which comes no more than once to any of us-and this was mine, wherein I was enabled to enjoy life and its pleasures with such a keen and superadded zest, that it appeared as though I had all at once acquired a new sense by means of which the others were quickened and intensified. But then, in addition to our new-found treasure, there was much in our position and surroundings to make us feel uncommonly jolly at this juncture also. For as I always maintain that love in a large handsome house is a far pleasanter sort of thing than love in a cottage, so am I likewise of opinion that happiness is doubly happiness when experienced beneath cloudless skies, and in such rich and glowing scenes as those amid which we then found ourselves. We had ample means; we were comparatively young; life extended in a long vista far and fair before us; we had pitched our tent in a most lovely spot; and above all, we were enjoying such a perfect climate that I have really seen days there when, so to speak, abstractions seemed to be

come sensuous, and thoughts so palpable and tangible, as it were, that I almost fancied I could see into the very heart of things, and hear the voice of Nature as she chanted her low, soft hymn. And when the beauty of surrounding objects, from being seen with such marvellous clearness and distinctness, affected me so powerfully, and all around, above, and beneath, was pervaded by such a subtle charm, I felt as if I had only existed before, and was now living for the first time and in the fullest acceptation of that word.

But such a state of things did not last, of course. Long before my cure was perfected, I one day received a letter from England, which contained such disastrous tidings, that for some time I could hardly realize the extent of the misfortune which had befallen us. It was from my man of business, who informed me that we not only had been living too fast, but that the Australian firm, in which most of my wife's money was invested, having failed, we were consequently reduced from affluence to comparative poverty! This was a sad blow to me, I must confess; but indeed it was chiefly on Leslie's account that I felt it to be so. I could not bear to think that she should be deprived of the comforts and luxuries to which she was accustomed; and what added poignancy to my distress of mind was, that I had at least been partly instrumental in bringing about her ruin. But when she looked up smiling into my face, and assured me both with tongue and eyes, that so long as we were left together nothing could seem an evil to her, I took comfort; and, though I still suffered horribly from the thought that this calamity might have been averted had I been at the trouble of investigating into the state of affairs for her sake I hid my trouble far away out of sight, and, with every appearance of cheerfulness, set about making plans for the future, and regarding the very dif ferent life we should have to lead when we returned home.

I need hardly add that this crash obliged us at once to hasten back to

« VorigeDoorgaan »