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some man, should I grow jealous because you had eyes?

Aman. But should I tell you he was exquisitely so, and that I had gazed on him with admiration, should you not think 'twere possible I might go one step further, and inquire his name?

Love. [Aside.] She has reason on her side; I have talked too much; but I must turn off another way.-[Aloud.] Will you then make no difference, Amanda, between the language of our sex and yours? There is a modesty restrains your tongues, which makes you speak by halves when you commend; but roving flattery gives a loose to ours, which makes us still speak double what we think.

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Serv. Sir, my lord Foppington presents his humble service to you, and desires to know how you do. He's at the next door; and if it be not inconvenient to you, he'll come and wait upon you.

Love. Give my compliments to his lordship, and I shall be glad to see him.-[Exit Servant.] If you are not acquainted with his lordship, madam, you will be entertained with his character.

Aman. Now it moves my pity more than my mirth to see a man, whom nature has made no fool, be so very industrious to pass for an ass.

Love. No, there you are wrong, Amanda; you should never bestow your pity upon those who take pains for your contempt: pity those whom nature abuses, never those who abuse nature.

Enter Lord FOPPINGTON.

Lord Fop. Dear Loveless, I am your most humble servant.

Love. My lord, I'm yours.

Lord Fop. Madam, your ladyship's very obedient slave.

Love. My lord, this lady is a relation of my wife's.

Lord Fop. [Salutes BERINTHIA.] The beautifullest race of people upon earth, rat me! Dear Loveless, I am overjoyed that you think of continuing here: I am, stap my vitals!-[To AMANDA.] For Gad's sake, madam, how has your ladyship been able to subsist thus long, under the fatigue of a country life?

Aman. My life has been very far from that, my lord; it has been a very quiet one.

Lord Fop. Why, that's the fatigue I speak of, madam; for 'tis impossible to be quiet, without thinking: now thinking is to me the greatest fatigue in the world.

Aman. Does not your lordship love reading then?

Lord Fop. Oh, passionately, madam; but I never think of what I read. For example, madam, my life is a perpetual stream of pleasure, that glides through with such a variety of entertainments, I believe the wisest of our ancestors never had the least conception of any of 'em. I rise, madam, when in tawn, about twelve o'clock. I don't rise sooner, because it is the worst thing in the world for the complexion: nat that I pretend to be a beau; but a man must endeavour to look decent, lest he makes so odious a figure in the side-bax, the ladies should be compelled to turn their eyes upon the play. So at twelve o'clock, I say, I rise. Naw, if I find it is a good day, I resalve to take the exercise of riding; so drink my chocolate, and draw on my boots by two. On my return, I dress; and after dinner, lounge perhaps to the opera.

Ber. Your lordship, I suppose, is fond of music? Lord Fop. Oh, passionately, on Tuesdays and Saturdays; for then there is always the best company, and one is not expected to undergo the fatigue of listening.

Aman. Does your lordship think that the case at the opera?

Lord Fop. Most certainly, madam. There is my lady Tattle, my lady Prate, my lady Titter, my lady Sneer, my lady Giggle, and my lady Grinthese have boxes in the front, and while any favourite air is singing, are the prettiest company in the waurld, stap my vitals !-Mayn't we hope for the honour to see you added to our society, madam ?

Aman. Alas! my lord, I am the worst company in the world at a concert, I'm so apt to attend to the music.

Lord Fop. Why, madam, that is very pardonable in the country or at church, but a monstrous inattention in a polite assembly. But I am afraid I tire the company?

Love. Not at all. Pray go on.

Lord Fop. Why then, ladies, there only remains to add, that I generally conclude the evening at one or other of the clubs; nat that I ever play deep; indeed I have been for some time tied up from losing above five thousand paunds at a sitting.

Love. But isn't your lordship sometimes obliged to attend the weighty affairs of the nation?

Lord Fop. Sir, as to weighty affairs, I leave them to weighty heads; I never intend mine shall be a burden to my body.

Ber. Nay, my lord, but you are a pillar of the

state.

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I had like to have forgot a secret I must needs tell your ladyship.-Ned, you must not be so jealous now as to listen.

Love. Not I, my lord; I am too fashionable a husband to pry into the secrets of my wife.

Lord Fop. [Aside to AMANDA, squeezing her hand.] I am in love with you to desperation, strike me speechless!

Aman. [Strikes him on the ear.] Then thus I return your passion.-An impudent fool!

Lord Fop. Gad's curse, madam, I am a peer of

the realm!

Love. Hey! what the devil, do you affront my wife, sir? Nay then[Draws. They fight. Aman. What has my folly done?-Help! murder! help! Part them, for Heaven's sake.

Lord Fop. [Falls back and leans on his sword.] Ah! quite through the body, stap my vitals!

Enter Servants.

Love. [Runs to Lord FOPPINGTON.] I hope I han't killed the fool, however. Bear him upCall a surgeon there.

Lord Fop. Ay, pray make haste. [Exit Servant. Love. This mischief you may thank yourself for. Lord Fop. I may so; love's the devil indeed, Ned.

Re-enter Servant, with PROBE.

Ser. Here's Mr. Probe, sir, was just going by the door.

Lord Fop. He's the welcomest man alive. Probe. Stand by, stand by, stand by; pray, gentlemen, stand by. Lord have mercy upon us, did you never see a man run through the body before?-Pray stand by.

Lord Fop. Ah, Mr. Probe, I'm a dead man. Probe. A dead man, and I by! I should laugh to see that, egad.

Love. Prithee don't stand prating, but look upon his wound.

Probe. Why, what if I won't look upon his wound this hour, sir?

Love. Why then he'll bleed to death, sir. Probe. Why, then I'll fetch him to life again, sir.

Love. 'Slife! he's run through the body, I tell thee.

Probe. I wish he was run through the heart, and I should get the more credit by his cure. Now I hope you are satisfied? Come, now let me come at him-now let me come at him.-[Viewing his wound.] Oons! what a gash is here! Why, sir, a man may drive a coach and six horses into your body.

Lord Fop. Oh!

Probe. Why, what the devil have you run the gentleman through with a scythe ?-[Aside.] A little scratch between the skin and the ribs, that's all.

Love. Let me see his wound.

Probe. Then you shall dress it, sir; for if any body looks upon it I won't.

Love. Why thou art the veriest coxcomb I ever

saw !

Probe. Sir, I am not master of my trade for nothing.

Lord Fop. Surgeon!

Probe. Sir.

Lord Fop. Are there any hopes?

Probe. Hopes! I can't tell. What are you willing to give for a cure?

Lord Fop. Five hundred paunds with pleasure. Probe. Why then perhaps there may be hopes; but we must avoid a further delay. Here, help the gentleman into a chair, and carry him to my house presently-that's the properest place-[Aside] to bubble him out of his money.-[Aloud.] Come, a chair-a chair quickly-there, in with him.

[Servants put Lord FOPPINGTON into a chair. Lord Fop. Dear Loveless, adieu! if I die, I forgive thee; and if I live, I hope thou wilt do as much by me. I am sorry you and I should quarrel, but I hope here's an end on't; for if you are satisfied, I am.

Love. I shall hardly think it worth my prosecuting any further, so you may be at rest, sir.

Lord Fop. Thou art a generous fellow, strike me dumb!-[Aside.] But thou hast an impertinent wife, stap my vitals!

Probe. So-carry him off, carry him off!-We shall have him prate himself into a fever by-and-by. -Carry him off! [Exit with Lord FOPPINGTON.

Enter Colonel TOWNLY.

Col. Town. So, so, I am glad to find you all alive. I met a wounded peer carrying off. For Heaven's sake, what was the matter?

Love. Oh, a trifle! he would have made love to my wife before my face, so she obliged him with a box o'the ear, and I run him through the body, that was all.

Col. Town. Bagatelle on all sides. But pray, madam, how long has this noble lord been an humble servant of yours?

So,

Aman. This is the first I have heard on'tI suppose, 'tis his quality more than his love has brought him into this adventure. He thinks his title an authentic passport to every woman's heart below the degree of a peeress.

Col. Town. He's coxcomb enough to think anything; but I would not have you brought into trouble for him. I hope there's no danger of his life?

Love. None at all. He's fallen into the hands of a roguish surgeon, who, I perceive, designs to frighten a little money out of him: but I saw his wound-'tis nothing: he may go to the ball tonight if he pleases.

Col. Town. I am glad you have corrected him without further mischief, or you might have deprived me of the pleasure of executing a plot against his lordship, which I have been contriving with an old acquaintance of yours.

Love. Explain.

Col. Town. His brother, Tom Fashion, is come down here, and we have it in contemplation to save him the trouble of his intended wedding; but we want your assistance. Tom would have called, but he is preparing for his enterprise, so I promised to bring you to him-so, sir, if these ladies can

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Ber. To-night!

Aman. Yes, to-night.

Ber. Why, the people where I lodge will think me mad.

Aman. Let 'em think what they please.

Ber. Say you so, Amanda? Why, then, they shall think what they please: for I'm a young widow, and I care not what anybody thinks.Ah, Amanda, it's a delicious thing to be a young widow !

Aman. You'll hardly make me think so.

Ber. Poh! because you are in love with your husband.

Aman. Pray, 'tis with a world of innocence I would inquire whether you think those we call women of reputation do really escape all other men as they do those shadows of beaux ?

Ber. Oh no, Amanda; there are a sort of men make dreadful work amongst 'em, men that may be called the beau's antipathy, for they agree in nothing but walking upon two legs. These have brains, the beau has none. These are in love with their mistress, the beau with himself. They take care of their reputation, the beau is industrious to destroy it. They are decent, he's a fop; in short, they are men, he's an ass.

Aman. If this be their character, I fancy we had here, e'en now, a pattern of 'em both.

Ber. His lordship and colonel Townly? Aman. The same.

Ber. As for the lord, he is eminently so; and for the other, I can assure you there's not a man in town who has a better interest with the women, that are worth having an interest with.

Aman. He answers the opinion I had ever of him.-[Takes her hand.] I must acquaint you with a secret-'tis not that fool alone has talked to me of love; Townly has been tampering too.

Ber. [Aside.] So, so! here the mystery comes out!-[Aloud.] Colonel Townly! - impossible, my dear!

Aman. 'Tis true, indeed; though he has done it in vain; nor do I think that all the merit of mankind combined could shake the tender love I bear my husband; yet I will own to you, Berinthia, I did not start at his addresses, as when they came from one whom I contemned.

Ber. [Aside.] Oh, this is better and better !— [Aloud.] Well said, Innocence! and you really think, my dear, that nothing could abate your constancy and attachment to your husband?

Aman. Nothing, I am convinced.

Ber. What, if you found he loved another woman better?

Aman. Well!

Ber. Well!-why, were I that thing they call a slighted wife, somebody should run the risk of being that thing they call-a husband.-Don't I talk madly?

Aman. Madly indeed!

Ber. Yet I'm very innocent.

I know

Aman. That I dare swear you are. how to make allowances for your humour: but you resolve then never to marry again? Ber. Oh no! I resolve I will. Aman. How so?

Ber. That I never may.

Aman. You banter me.

Ber. Indeed I don't; but I consider I'm a woman, and form my resolutions accordingly. Aman. Well, my opinion is, form what resolution you will, matrimony will be the end on't.

Ber. I doubt it-but a-Heavens ! I have business at home, and am half an hour too late. Aman. As you are to return with me, I'll just give some orders, and walk with you.

Ber. Well, make haste, and we'll finish this subject as we go.-[Exit AMANDA.] Ah, poor Amanda! you have led a country life. Well, this discovery is lucky! Base Townly! at once false to me and treacherous to his friend!-And my innocent and demure cousin too! I have it in my power to be revenged on her however. Her husband, if I have any skill in countenance, would be as happy in my smiles as Townly can hope to be in hers. I'll make the experiment, come what will on't. The woman who can forgive the being robbed of a favoured lover, must be either an idiot or a wanton. [Exit.

F

ACT

SCENE I.-Lord FOPPINGTON's Lodgings.

Enter Lord FOPPINGTON and La VAROLE. Lord Fop. Hey, fellow, let my vis-à-vis come to the door.

La Var. Will your lordship venture so soon to expose yourself to the weather?

Lord Fop. Sir, I will venture as soon as I can to expose myself to the ladies.

La Var. I wish your lordship would please to keep house a little longer; I'm afraid your honour does not well consider your wound.

Lord Fop. My wound!-I would not be in eclipse another day, though I had as many wounds in my body as I have had in my heart. So mind, Varole, let these cards be left as directed; for this evening I shall wait on my father-in-law, sir Tunbelly, and I mean to commence my devoirs to the lady, by giving an entertainment at her father's expense; and hark thee, tell Mr. Loveless I request he and his company will honour me with their presence, or I shall think we are not friends. La Var. I will be sure, milor. [Exit.

Enter Toм FASHION.

Fash. Brother, your servant; how do you find yourself to-day?

Lord Fop. So well that I have ardered my coach to the door-so there's no danger of death this baut, Tam.

Fash. I'm very glad of it.

Lord Fop. [Aside.] That I believe's a lie.— [Aloud.] Prithee, Tam, tell me one thing,-did not your heart cut a caper up to your mauth, when you heard I was run through the bady?

Fash. Why do you think it should?

Lord Fop. Because I remember mine did so, when I heard my uncle was shot through the head. Fash. It then did very ill.

Lord Fop. Prithee, why so?

Fash. Because he used you very well.

Lord Fop. Well !-Naw, strike me dumb! he starved me; he has let me want a thausand women for want of a thausand paund.

Fash. Then he hindered you from making a great many ill bargains; for I think no woman worth money that will take money.

Lord Fop. If I was a younger brother I should think so too.

Fash. Then you are seldom much in love?
Lord Fop. Never, stap my vitals!

Fash. Why then did you make all this bustle about Amanda ?

Lord Fop. Because she's a woman of an insolent virtue, and I thought myself piqued, in honour, to debauch her.

Fash. Very well.-[Aside.] Here's a rare fellow for you, to have the spending of ten thousand pounds a year! But now for my business with him. -[Aloud.] Brother, though I know to talk of business (especially of money) is a theme not quite so entertaining to you as that of the ladies, my necessities are such, I hope you'll have patience to hear me.

III.

Lord Fop. The greatness of your necessities, Tam, is the worst argument in the warld for your being patiently heard. I do believe you are going to make a very good speech, but, strike me dumb! it has the worst beginning of any speech I have heard this twelvemonth.

Fash. I'm sorry you think so.

Lord Fop. I do believe thou art: but come, let's know the affair quickly.

Fash. Why then, my case in a word is this : the necessary expenses of my travels have so much exceeded the wretched income of my annuity, that I have been forced to mortgage it for five hundred pounds, which is spent. So, unless you are so kind as to assist me in redeeming it, I know no remedy but to take a purse.

Lord Fop. Why faith, Tam, to give you my sense of the thing, I do think taking a purse the best remedy in the waurld; for if you succeed, you are relieved that way, if you are taken, you are relieved t'other.

Fash. I'm glad to see you are in so pleasant a humour; I hope I shall find the effects on't.

Lord Fop. Why, do you then really think it a reasonable thing, that I should give you five hundred paunds?

Fash. I do not ask it as a due, brother; I am willing to receive it as a favour.

Lord Fop. Then thou art willing to receive it anyhow, strike me speechless! But these are damned times to give money in; taxes are so great, repairs so exorbitant, tenants such rogues, and bouquets so dear, that, the devil take me, I am reduced to that extremity in my cash, I have been forced to retrench in that one article of sweet pawder, till I have brought it dawn to five guineas a maunth-now judge, Tam, whether I can spare you five hundred paunds.

Fash. If you can't, I must starve, that's all.[Aside.] Damn him!

Lord Fop. All I can say is, you should have been a better husband.

Fash. Ouns! if you can't live upon ten thousand a year, how do you think I should do't upon two hundred?

Lord Fop. Don't be in a passion, Tam, for passion is the most unbecoming thing in the waurld -to the face. Look you, I don't love to say anything to you to make you melancholy, but upon this occasion I must take leave to put you in mind that a running horse does require more attendance than a coach-horse. Nature has made some difference 'twixt you and me.

Fash. Yes-she has made you older.-[Aside.] Plague take her!

Lord Fop. That is not all, Tam.

Fash. Why, what is there else?

Lord Fop. [Looks first on himself and then on his brother.] Ask the ladies.

Fash. Why, thou essence-bottle, thou muskcat! dost thou then think thou hast any advantage over me but what Fortune has given thee? Lord Fop. I do, stap my vitals!

Fash. Now, by all that's great and powerful, thou art the prince of coxcombs !

Lord Fop. Sir, I am proud at being at the head of so prevailing a party.

Fash. Will nothing provoke thee? Draw, coward!

Lord Fop. Look you, Tam, you know I have always taken you for a mighty dull fellow, and here is one of the foolishest plats broke out that I have seen a lang time. Your poverty makes life so burdensome to you, you would provoke me to a quarrel, in hopes either to slip through my lungs into my estate, or to get yourself run through the guts, to put an end to your pain. But I will disappoint you in both your designs; far with the temper of a philasapher, and the discretion of a statesman-I shall leave the room with my sword in the scabbard. [Exit. Fash. So! farewell, brother; and now, conscience, I defy thee.-Lory!

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Fash. Be at peace; it will come there no more: my brother has given it a wring by the nose, and I have kicked it down stairs. So run away to the inn, get the chaise ready quickly, and bring it to dame Coupler's without a moment's delay.

Lory. Then, sir, you are going straight about the fortune?

Fash. I am.-Away-fly, Lory! Lory. The happiest day I ever saw. I'm upon the wing already. Now then I shall get my wages. [Exeunt.

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Ber. So far at least then you allow me to be a physician.

Love. Nay, I'll allow you to be so yet further; for I have reason to believe, should I put myself into your hands, you would increase my distemper. Ber. How?

Love. Oh, you might betray me to my wife.
Ber. And so lose all my practice.

Love. Will you then keep my secret?
Ber. I will.

Love. Well-but swear it.

Ber. I swear by woman.

Love. Nay, that's swearing by my deity; swear by your own, and I shall believe you. Ber. Well then, I swear by man!

Love. I'm satisfied. Now hear my symptoms, and give me your advice. The first were these; when I saw you at the play, a random glance you threw at first alarmed me. I could not turn my eyes from whence the danger came-I gazed upon you till my heart began to pant-nay, even now on your approaching me, my illness is so increased that if you do not help me I shall, whilst you look on, consume to ashes. [Takes her hand. Ber. O Lord, let me go! 'tis the plague, and we shall be infected. [Breaking from him. Love. Then we'll die together, my charming angel.

Ber. O Gad! the devil's in you! Lord, let me go!-here's somebody coming.

Re-enter Servant.

Serv. Sir, my lady's come home, and desires to speak with you.

Love. Tell her I'm coming.-[Exit Servant.] But before I go, one glass of nectar to drink her health. [To BERINTHIA. Ber. Stand off, or I shall hate you, by Heavens ! Love. [Kissing her.] In matters of love, a woman's oath is no more to be minded than a man's. [Exit.

Ber. Um !

Enter Colonel TOWNLY.

Col. Town. [4side.] So! what's here-Berinthia and Loveless-and in such close conversation!I cannot now wonder at her indifference in excusing herself to me!-O rare woman!-Well then, let Loveless look to his wife, 'twill be but the retort courteous on both sides.-[Aloud.] Your servant, madam; I need not ask you how you do, you have got so good a colour.

Ber. No better than I used to have, I suppose. Col. Town. A little more blood in your cheeks. Ber. I have been walking!

Col. Town. Is that all? Pray was it Mr. Loveless went from here just now?

Ber. O yes-he has been walking with me.
Col. Town. He has !

Ber. Upon my word I think he is a very agreeable man! and there is certainly something particularly insinuating in his address!

Col. Town. [Aside.] So, so! she hasn't even the modesty to dissemble !-[Aloud.] Pray, madam, may I, without impertinence, trouble you with a few serious questions?

Ber. As many as you please; but pray let them be as little serious as possible.

Col. Town. Is it not near two years since I have presumed to address you?

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