Sir Ben. No, no-to Mr. Surface-a most ungrateful fellow; and old as I am, sir, says he, I insist on immediate satisfaction. Mrs. Can. Ay, that must have been to Charles; for 'tis very unlikely Mr. Surface should fight in his own house. Sir Ben. Gad's life, ma'am, not 'at all-giving me immediate satisfaction.-On this, ma'am, lady Teazle, seeing sir Peter in such danger, ran out of the room in strong hysterics, and Charles after her, calling out for hartshorn and water; then, madam, they began to fight with swords Enter CRABTREE. Crab. With pistols, nephew-pistols ! I have it from undoubted authority. Mrs. Can. O Mr. Crabtree, then it is all true! Crab. Too true, indeed, madam, and sir Peter is dangerously wounded Sir Ben. By a thrust in second quite through his left side- Crab. By a bullet lodged in the thorax. Mrs. Can. I knew Charles was the person. matter. Crab. But sir Peter taxed him with the basest ingratitude Sir Ben. That I told you, you knowCrab. Do, nephew, let me speak !—and insisted on immediate Sir Ben. Just as I said Crab. Odds life, nephew, allow others to know something too!-A pair of pistols lay on the bureau (for Mr. Surface, it seems, had come home the night before late from Salthill, where he had been to see the Montem with a friend, who has a son at Eton), so, unluckily, the pistols were left charged. Sir Ben. I heard nothing of this. Crab. Sir Peter forced Charles to take one, and they fired, it seems, pretty nearly together. Charles's shot took effect, as I tell you, and sir Peter's missed; but what is very extraordinary, the ball struck against a little bronze Shakspeare that stood over the fire-place, grazed out of the window at a right angle, and wounded the postman, who was just coming to the door with a double letter from Northamptonshire. Sir Ben. My uncle's account is more circumstantial, I confess; but I believe mine is the true one, for all that. Lady Sneer. [Aside.] I am more interested in this affair than they imagine, and must have better information. [Exit. Sir Ben. Ah! lady Sneerwell's alarm is very easily accounted for. Crab. Yes, yes, they certainly do say--but that's neither here nor there. Mrs. Can. But, pray, where is sir Peter at present? Crab. Oh! they brought him home, and he is now in the house, though the servants are ordered to deny him. Mrs. Can. I believe so, and lady Teazle, I suppose, attending him. Crab. Yes, yes; and I saw one of the faculty enter just before me. Sir Ben. Hey! who comes here? Crab. Oh, this is he: the physician, depend on't. Mrs. Can. Oh, certainly! it must be the physician; and now we shall know. Enter Sir OLIVER SURFACE. Crab. Well, doctor, what hopes? Mrs. Can. Ay, doctor, how's your patient? Sir Ben. Now, doctor, isn't it a wound with a small-sword? Crab. A bullet lodged in the thorax, for a hundred! Sir Oliv. Doctor! a wound with a small-sword! and a bullet in the thorax !-Oons! are you mad, good people? Sir Ben. Perhaps, sir, you are not a doctor? Sir Oliv. Truly, I am to thank you for my degree, if I am. Crab. Only a friend of sir Peter's, then, I preBut, sir, you must have heard of his sume. accident? Sir Oliv. Not a word! Crab. Not of his being dangerously wounded? Sir Ben. Run through the body- Sir Ben. By one Mr. Surface- Sir Oliv. Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your accounts: however, you agree that sir Peter is dangerously wounded. Sir Ben. O yes, we agree there. Crab. Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt of that. Sir Oliv. Then, upon my word, for a person in that situation, he is the most imprudent man alive; for here he comes, walking as if nothing at all was the matter. Enter Sir PETER TEAZLE. Odds heart, sir Peter! you are come in good time, I promise you; for we had just given you over! Sir Ben. [Aside to CRABTREE.] Egad, uncle, this is the most sudden recovery! Sir Oliv. Why, man! what do you out of bed with a small-sword through your body, and a bullet lodged in your thorax ? Sir Pet. A small-sword and a bullet! Sir Oliv. Ay; these gentlemen would have killed you without law or physic, and wanted to dub me a doctor, to make me an accomplice. Sir Pet. Why, what is all this? Sir Ben. We ejoice, sir Peter, that the story of the duel is not true, and are sincerely sorry for your other misfortune. Sir Pet. So, so; all over the town already! [Aside. Crab. Though, sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry at your years. Sir Pet. Sir, what business is that of yours ? Mrs. Can. Though, indeed, as sir Peter made so good a husband, he's very much to be pitied. Sir Pet. Plague on your pity, ma'am ! I desire none of it. Sir Ben. However, sir Peter, you must not mind the laughing and jests you will meet with on the occasion. Sir Pet. Sir, sir! I desire to be master in my own house. Crab. 'Tis no uncommon case, that's one com fort. Sir Pet. I insist on being left to myself: without ceremony, I insist on your leaving my house directly! Mrs. Can. Well, well, we are going; and depend on't, we'll make the best report of it we can. [Exit. Sir Pet. Leave my house! Crab. And tell how hardly you've been treated. [Exit. Sir Pet. Leave my house! Sir Ben. And how patiently you bear it. [Exit. Sir Pet. Fiends! vipers! furies !-Oh! that their own venom would choke them! Sir Oliv. They are very provoking indeed, sir Peter. Enter RowLEY. Row. I heard high words: what has ruffled you, sir? Sir Pet. Psha! what signifies asking? Do I ever pass a day without my vexations ? Row. Well, I'm not inquisitive. Sir Pet. Yes, yes, my face when the screen was thrown down: ha! ha! ha! Oh, I must never show my head again! Sir Oliv. But come, come, it isn't fair to laugh at you neither, my old friend; though, upon my soul, I can't help it. Sir Pet. Oh, pray don't restrain your mirth on my account: it does not hurt me at all! I laugh at the whole affair myself. Yes, yes, I think being a standing jest for all one's acquaintance a very happy situation. O yes, and then of a morning to read the paragraphs about Mr. S—, lady T—, and sir P-, will be so entertaining! Row. Without affectation, sir Peter, you may despise the ridicule of fools.-But I see lady Teazle going towards the next room; I am sure you must desire a reconciliation as earnestly as she does. Sir Oliv. Perhaps my being here prevents her coming to you. Well, I'll leave honest Rowley to mediate between you; but he must bring you all Sir Oliv. Well, sir Peter, I have seen both my presently to Mr. Surface's, where I am now renephews in the manner we proposed. Sir Pet. A precious couple they are! Row. Yes, and sir Oliver is convinced that your judgment was right, sir Peter. Sir Oliv. Yes, I find Joseph is indeed the man, after all. Row. Ay, as sir Peter says, he is a man of sentiment. Sir Oliv. And acts up to the sentiments he professes. Row. It certainly is edification to hear him talk. Sir Oliv. Oh, he's a model for the young men of the age! But how's this, sir Peter? you don't join'us in your friend Joseph's praise, as I expected. Sir Pet. Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, and the fewer we praise the better. Row. What do you say so, sir Peter, who were never mistaken in your life! Sir Pet. Psha! plague on you both! I see by your sneering you have heard the whole affair. I shall go mad among you! Row. Then to fret you no longer, sir Peter, we are indeed acquainted with it all. I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface's so humbled, that she deigned to request me to be her advocate with you. Sir Pet. And does sir Oliver know all this? Sir Pet. What of the closet and the screen, hey? Sir Oliv. Yes, yes, and the little French milliner. Oh, I have been vastly diverted with the story! ha! ha! ha! Sir Pet. "Twas very pleasant! Sir Oliv. I never laughed more in my life, I assure you ha! ha! ha! Sir Pet. Oh, vastly diverting! ha! ha! ha! Row. To be sure, Joseph with his sentiments! ha ha ha! Sir Pet. Yes, yes, his sentiments! ha! ha! ha! Hypocritical villain! Sir Oliv. Ay, and that rogue Charles to pull sir Peter out of the closet: ha! ha ha! Sir Pet. Ha! ha! 'twas devilish entertaining, to be sure! Sir Oliv. Ha! ha ha! Egad, sir Peter, I should like to have seen your face when the screen was thrown down: ha! ha! turning, if not to reclaim a libertine, at least to expose hypocrisy. Sir Pet. Ah, I'll be present at your discovering yourself there with all my heart; though 'tis a vile unlucky place for discoveries. Row. We'll follow. Sir Pet. She is not Rowley, [Exit Sir OLIVER SURFACE. coming here, you see, Row. A mere forgery, sir Peter! laid in your way on purpose. This is one of the points which I intend Snake shall give you conviction of. Sir Pet. I wish I were once satisfied of that.She looks this way.-What a remarkably elegant turn of the head she has! Rowley, I'll go to her. Row. Certainly. Sir Pet. Though when it is known that we are reconciled, people will laugh at me ten times more. Row. Let them laugh, and retort their malice only by showing them you are happy in spite of it. Sir Pet. I'faith, so I will! and, if I'm not mistaken, we may yet be the happiest couple in the country. Row. Nay, sir Peter, he who once lays aside suspicion Sir Pet. Hold, master Rowley! if you have any regard for me, never let me hear you utter anything like a sentiment: I have had enough of them to serve me the rest of my life. [Exeunt. Lady Sneer. No, nor cunning neither. Oh, I was a fool, an idiot, to league with such a blunderer ! Jos. Surf. Sure, lady Sneerwell, I am the greatest sufferer; yet you see I bear the accident with calmness. Lady Sneer. Because the disappointment doesn't reach your heart; your interest only attached you to Maria. Had you felt for her what I have for that ungrateful libertine, neither your temper nor hypocrisy could prevent your showing the sharpness of your vexation. Jos. Surf. But why should your reproaches fall on me for this disappointment? Lady Sneer. Are you not the cause of it? Had you not a sufficient field for your roguery in imposing upon sir Peter, and supplanting your brother, but you must endeavour to seduce his wife? I hate such an avarice of crimes; 'tis an unfair monopoly, and never prospers. Jos. Surf. Well, I admit I have been to blame. I confess I deviated from the direct road of wrong, but I don't think we're so totally defeated neither. Lady Sneer. No! Jos. Surf. You tell me you have made a trial of Snake since we met, and that you still believe him faithful to us? Lady Sneer. I do believe so. Jos. Surf. And that he has undertaken, should it be necessary, to swear and prove, that Charles is at this time contracted by vows and honour to your ladyship, which some of his former letters to you will serve to support? Lady Sneer. This, indeed, might have assisted. Jos. Surf. Come, come; it is not too late yet. -[ Knocking at the door. But hark! this is probably my uncle, sir Oliver : retire to that room ; we'll consult farther when he is gone. Lady Sneer. Well, but if he should find you out too? Jos. Surf. Oh, I have no fear of that. Sir Peter will hold his tongue for his own credit's sake-and you may depend on it I shall soon discover sir Oliver's weak side! Lady Sneer. I have no diffidence of your abilities: only be constant to one roguery at a time. Jos. Surf. I will, I will!-[Exit Lady SNEERWELL.] So! 'tis confounded hard, after such bad fortune, to be baited by one's confederate in evil. Well, at all events, my character is so much better than Charles's, that I certainly-hey !-what!— this is not sir Oliver, but old Stanley again. Plague on't that he should return to tease me just now!-I shall have sir Oliver come and find him here-and Enter Sir OLIVER SURFACE. Gad's life, Mr. Stanley, why have you come back to plague me at this time? You must not stay now, upon my word. Sir Oliv. Sir, I hear your uncle Oliver is expected here, and though he has been so penurious to you, I'll try what he'll do for me. Jos. Surf. Sir, 'tis impossible for you to stay now, so I must beg-Come any other time, and I promise you, you shall be assisted. Sir Oliv. No: sir Oliver and I must be ac. quainted. Jos. Surf. Zounds, sir! then I insist on your quitting the room directly. Sir Oliv. Nay, sirJos. Surf. Sir, I insist on't!-Here, William ! show this gentleman out.-Since you compel me, sir, not one moment-this is such insolence. [Going to push him out. Enter CHARLES SURFACE. Chas. Surf. Heyday! what's the matter now? What the devil, have you got hold of my little broker here? Zounds, brother! don't hurt little Premium.-What's the matter, my little fellow? Jos. Surf. So! he has been with you too, has he? Chas. Surf. To be sure he has. Why he's as honest a little-But sure, Joseph, you have not been borrowing money too, have you? Jos. Surf. Borrowing! no! But, brother, you know we expect sir Oliver here every Chas. Surf. O Gad, that's true! Noll mustn't find the little broker here, to be sure. Jos. Surf. Yet Mr. Stanley insists- Chas. Surf. No, no, Premium. Jos. Surf. Well, no matter which-but Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, Stanley or Premium, 'tis the same thing, as you say; for I suppose he goes by half a hundred names, besides A. B. at the coffeehouse. [Knocking. Jos. Surf. 'Sdeath! here's sir Oliver at the door. -Now I beg, Mr. Stanley Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, and I beg, Mr. Premium- Jos. Surf. Sir, by Heaven you shall go! Jos. Surf. Sir, 'tis your own fault. [Both forcing Sir OLIVER out, Enter Sir PETER and Lady TEAZLE, MARIA and ROWLEY, Sir Pet. My old friend, sir Oliver-hey! What in the name of wonder-here are dutiful nephews -assault their uncle at a first visit! Lady Teaz. Indeed, sir Oliver, 'twas well we came in to rescue you. Row. Truly it was; for I perceive, sir Oliver, the character of old Stanley was no protection to you. Sir Oliv. Nor of Premium either: the necessities of the former could not extort a shilling from that benevolent gentleman; and now, egad, I stood a chance of faring worse than my ancestors, and being knocked down without being bid for. Jos. Surf. Charles! Chas. Surf. Joseph ! Jos. Surf. 'Tis now complete! Sir Oliv. Sir Peter, my friend, and Rowley too -look on that elder nephew of mine. You know what he has already received from my bounty; and you also know how gladly I would have regarded half my fortune as held in trust for him: judge then my disappoinment in discovering him to be destitute of faith, charity, and gratitude ! Sir Pet. Sir Oliver, I should be more surprised at this declaration, if I had not myself found him to be mean, treacherous, and hypocritical. Lady Teaz. And if the gentleman pleads not guilty to these, pray let him call me to his cha racter. Sir Pet. Then, I believe, we need add no more: if he knows himself, he will consider it as the most perfect punishment, that he is known to the world. Chas. Surf. If they talk this way to Honesty, what will they say to me, by and by ? [Aside. Sir Oliv. As for that prodigal, his brother, there Chas. Surf. Ay, now comes my turn: the damned family pictures will ruin me! [Aside. Jos. Surf. Sir Oliver-uncle, will you honour me with a hearing? Chas. Surf. Now if Joseph would make one of his long speeches, I might recollect myself a little. [Aside. Sir Pet. I suppose you would undertake to justify yourself entirely? [TO JOSEPH SURFACE. Jos. Surf. I trust I could. Sir Oliv. Well, sir!-and you could justify yourself too, I suppose? [TO CHARLES SURFACE. Chas. Surf. Not that I know of, sir Oliver. Sir Oliv. What !-Little Premium has been let too much into the secret, I suppose? Chas. Surf. True, sir; but they were family secrets, and should not be mentioned again, you know. Row. Come, sir Oliver, I know you cannot speak of Charles's follies with anger. Sir Oliv. Odd's heart, no more I can; nor with gravity either.-Sir Peter, do you know, the rogue bargained with me for all his ancestors; sold me judges and generals by the foot, and maiden aunts as cheap as broken china. Chas. Surf. To be sure, sir Oliver, I did make a little free with the family canvas, that's the truth on't. My ancestors may rise in judgment against me, there's no denying it; but believe me sincere when I tell you-and upon my soul I would not say so if I was not-that if I do not appear mortified at the exposure of my follies, it is because I feel at this moment the warmest satisfaction in seeing you, my liberal benefactor. Sir Oliv. Charles, I believe you. Give me your hand again: the ill-looking little fellow over the settee has made your peace. Chas. Surf. Then, sir, my gratitude to the original is still increased. Lady Teaz. Yet, I believe, sir Oliver, here is one whom Charles is still more anxious to be reconciled to. [Pointing to MARIA. Sir Oliv. Oh, I have heard of his attachment there; and, with the young lady's pardon, if I construe right-that blush Sir Pet. Well, child, speak your sentiments! Mar. Sir, I have little to say, but that I shall rejoice to hear that he is happy; for me-whatever claim I had to his affection, I willingly resign to one who has a better title. Chas. Surf. How, Maria! Sir Pet. Heyday! what's the mystery now?— While he appeared an incorrigible rake, you would give your hand to no one else; and now that he is likely to reform, I'll warrant you won't have him! Mar. His own heart and lady Sneerwell know the cause. Chas. Surf. Lady Sneerwell! Jos. Surf. Brother, it is with great concern I am obliged to speak on this point, but my regard to justice compels me, and lady Sneerwell's injuries can no longer be concealed. [Opens the door. Enter Lady SNEERWELL. Sir Pet. So! another French milliner! Egad, he has one in every room in the house, I suppose! Lady Sneer. Ungrateful Charles! Well may you be surprised, and feel for the indelicate situation your perfidy has forced me into. Chas. Surf. Pray, uncle, is this another plot of yours? For, as I have life, I don't understand it. Jos. Surf. I believe, sir, there is but the evidence of one person more necessary to make it extremely clear. Sir Pet. And that person, I imagine, is Mr. Snake.-Rowley, you were perfectly right to bring him with us, and pray let him appear. Row. Walk in, Mr. Snake. Enter SNAKE. I thought his testimony might be wanted: however, it happens unluckily, that he comes to confront lady Sneerwell, not to support her. Lady Sneer. A villain! Treacherous to me at last!-Speak, fellow; have you too conspired against me? Snake. I beg your ladyship ten thousand pardons you paid me extremely liberally for the lie in question; but I unfortunately have been offered double to speak the truth. Sir Pet. Plot and counter-plot, egad! Lady Sneer. The torments of shame and disappointment on you all! [Going. Lady Teaz. Hold, lady Sneerwell-before you go, let me thank you for the trouble you and that gentleman have taken, in writing letters from me to Charles, and answering them yourself; and let me also request you to make my respects to the scandalous college, of which you are president, and inform them, that lady Teazle, licentiate, begs leave to return the diploma they gave her, as she leaves off practice, and kills characters no longer. Lady Sneer. You too, madam !-provokinginsolent! - May your husband live these fifty [Exit. years! Sir Pet. Oons! what a fury! Sir Oliv. Well, sir, and what have you to say now? Jos. Surf. Sir, I am so confounded, to find that lady Sneerwell could be guilty of suborning Mr. Snake in this manner, to impose on us all, that I know not what to say: however, lest her revengeful spirit should prompt her to injure my brother, I had certainly better follow her directly. [Exit. Sir Pet. Moral to the last drop! Sir Oliv. Ay, and marry her, Joseph, if you can.-Oil and vinegar, egad! you'll do very well together. Row. I believe we have no more occasion for Mr. Snake at present? Snake. Before I go, I beg pardon once for all, for whatever uneasiness I have been the humble instrument of causing to the parties present. Sir Pet. Well, well, you have made atonement by a good deed at last. Snake. But I must request of the company, that it shall never be known. Sir Pet. Hey! what the plague! are you ashamed of having done a right thing once in your life? Snake. Ah, sir! consider,-I live by the badness of my character; I have nothing but my infamy to depend on and if it were once known that I had been betrayed into an honest action, I should lose every friend I have in the world. Sir Oliv. Well, well,-we'll not traduce you by saying anything in your praise, never fear. [Exit SNAKE. Sir Pet. There's a precious rogue! Lady Teaz. See, sir Oliver, there needs no persuasion now to reconcile your nephew and Maria. Sir Oliv. Ay, ay, that's as it should be, and, egad, we'll have the wedding to-morrow morning. Chas. Surf. Thank you, dear uncle ! Sir Pet. What, you rogue! don't you ask the girl's consent first? Chas. Surf. Oh, I have done that a long time —a minute ago—and she has looked yes. Mar. For shame, Charles !-I protest, sir Peter, there has not been a word Sir Oliv. Well, then, the fewer the better ;may your love for each other never know abate ment. Sir Pet. And may you live as happily together as lady Teazle and I-intend to do! Chas. Surf. Rowley, my old friend, I am sure you congratulate me; and I suspect that I owe you much. Sir Oliv. You do indeed, Charles. Row. If my efforts to serve you had not succeeded, you would have been in my debt for the attempt; but deserve to be happy, and you overpay me. Sir Pet. Ay, honest Rowley always said you would reform. Chas. Surf. Why, as to reforming, sir Peter, I'll make no promises, and that I take to be a proof that I intend to set about it. But here shall be my monitor-my gentle guide-ah! can I leave the virtuous path those eyes illumine? Though thou, dear maid, shouldst waive thy beauty's sway, Thou still must rule, because I will obey : [To the audience. You can, indeed, each anxious fear remove, For even Scandal dies if you approve. [Exeunt omnes. EPILOGUE, BY MR. COLMAN. SPOKEN BY LADY TEAZLE. I, WHO was late so volatile and gay, Old bachelors, who marry smart young wives, Must I then watch the early crowing cock, With dogs, cats, rats, and squalling brats sur rounded? With humble curate can I now retire, (While good sir Peter boozes with the squire,) And you, ye knockers, that, with brazen throat, The welcome visiters' approach denote; Farewell all quality of high renown, Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious town! Farewell! your revels I partake no more, And lady Teazle's occupation's o'er ! All this I told our bard; he smiled, and said 'twas clear, I ought to play deep tragedy next year. Meanwhile he drew wise morals from his play, And in these solemn periods stalk'd away :"Bless'd were the fair like you; her faults who stopp'd, And closed her follies when the curtain dropp'd! No more in vice or error to engage, Or play the fool at large on life's great stage." |