To hear the sounds at a Public Dinner!
One pound one thrown into the puddle,
To listen to Fiddle, Faddle, and Fuddle!
Not to forget the sounds we buy
From those who sell their sounds so high,
That, unless the Managers pitch it strong,
To get a Signora to warble a song
You must fork out the blunt with a haymaker's prong!
"It's not the thing for me-I know it,
To crack my own Trumpet up and blow it;
But it is the best, and time will show it.
There was Mrs. F.
So very deaf,
That she might have worn a percussion cap,
And been knock'd on the head without hearing it snap,
Well, I sold her a horn, and the very next day
She heard from her husband at Botany Bay!
Come-eighteen shillings-that's very low,
You'll save the money as shillings go,
And I never knew so bad a lot,
By hearing whether they ring or not!
Eighteen shillings! it's worth the price,
Supposing you're delicate-minded and nice,
To have the medical man of your choice,
Instead of the one with the strongest voice-
Who comes and asks you how 's your liver,
And where you ache, and whether you shiver,
And as to your nerves so apt to quiver,
As if he was hailing a boat on the river!
And then, with a shout, like Pat in a riot,
Tells you to keep yourself perfectly quiet!
"Or a tradesman comes-as tradesmen will-
Short and crusty about his bill,
Of patience, indeed, a perfect scorner,
And because you're deaf and unable to pay,
Shouts whatever he has to say,
In a vulgar voice that goes over the way,
Down the street and round the corner,
Come-speak your mind-it's '
("I've half a mind," said Dame Eleanor S.)
"Try it again-no harm in trying,
Of course you hear me, as easy as lying;
No pain at all, like a surgical trick,
To make you squall, and struggle, and kick,
Like Juno, or Rose,
Such horrid tugs at membrane and gristle,
For being as deaf as yourself to a whistle!
"You may go to surgical chaps if you choose,
Who will blow up your tubes like copper flues,
Or cut your tonsils right away,
As you'd shell out your almonds for Christmas-day;
And after all a matter of doubt,
Whether you ever would hear the shout
Of the little blackguards that bawl about, 'There you go with your tonsils out!'
Why I knew a deaf Welshman who came from Glamorgan On purpose to try a surgical spell,
And paid a guinea, and might as well
Have c. led a monkey into his organ! For the Auris. only took a mug,
And pour'd in his 'r some acoustical drug,
That instead of curing 'eafen'd him rather,
As Hamlet's uncle served Hamlet's father!
That's the way with your surgical gentry'
And happy your luck
Through your liver and lights at a royal entry,
Because you never answer'd the sentry!
Try it again, dear Madam, try it!
Many would sell their beds to buy it.
I warrant you often wake up in the night,
Ready to shake to a jelly with fright,
And up you must get to strike a light,
And down you go, in you know what,
Whether the weather is chilly or not,—
That's the way a cold is got,-
To see if you heard a noise or not!
Why, bless you, a woman with organs
Is hardly safe to step out of doors!
Just fancy a horse that comes full pelt,
But as quiet as if he was 'shod with felt,'
Till he rushes against you with all his force,
And then I needn't describe of course,
While he kicks you about without remorse,
How awkward it is to be groomed by a horse,
Or a bullock comes, as mad as King Lear,
And you never dream that the brute is near,
Till he pokes his horn right into your ear,
Whether you like the thing or lump it,-
And all for want of buying a trumpet!
"I'm not a female to fret and vex,
But if I belonged to the sensitive sex,
Exposed to all sorts of indelicate sounds,
I wouldn't be deaf for a thousand pounds.
Lord! only think of chucking a copper
To Jack or Bob with a timber limb,
Who looks as if he was singing a ymn,
Instead of a song that's ver improper!
Or just suppose in a public place
You see a great fellow a-pulling a face,
With his staring eyes and his mouth like an O,—
And how is a poor deaf lady to know,—
The lower orders are up to such games
If he's calling 'Green Peas,' or calling her names?' ("They're tenpence a peck !" said the deafest of Daines.)
""Tis strange what very strong advising,
By word of mouth, or advertising,
By chalking on walls, or placarding on vans,
With fifty other different plans,
The very high pressure, in fact, of pressing,
It needs to persuade one to purchase a blessing!
Whether the Soothing American Syrup,
A safety Hat, or a Safety Stirrup,-
Infallible Pills for the human frame,
Or Rowland's O-don't-o (an ominous name)!
A Doudney's suit which the shape so hits
That it beats all others into fits;
A Mechi's razor for beards unshorn,
Or a Ghost-of-a-Whisper-Catching Horn!
"Try it again, Ma'am, only try!"
Was still the voluble Pedlar's cry;
"It's a great privation, there's no dispute,
To live like the dumb unsociable brute,
And to hear no more of the pro and con,
And how Society's going on,
Than Mumbo Jumbo or Prester John,
And all for want of this sine quâ non ;
Whereas, with a horn that never offends,
You may join the genteelest party that is,
And enjoy all the scandal, and gossip, and quiz,
And be certain to hear of your absent friends ;
Not that elegant ladies, in fact,
In genteel society ever detract,
Or lend a brush when a friend is black'd,—
At least as a mere malicious act,
But only talk scandal for fear some fool
Should think they were bred at charity school.
Or, maybe, you like a little flirtation,
Which even the most Don Juanish rake
Would surely object to undertake
At the same high pitch as an altercation.
It's not for me, of course, to judge
How much a Deaf Lady ought to begrudge;
But half-a-guinea seems no great matter—
Letting alone more rational patter—
Only to hear a parrot chatter:
Not to mention that feather'd wit,
The Starling, who speaks when his tongue is slit ;
The Pies and Jays that utter words,
And other Dicky Gossips of birds,
That talk with as much good sense and decorum
As many Beaks who belong to the quorum.
"Try it-buy it-say ten and six,
The lowest price a miser could fix :
I don't pretend with horns of mine,
Like some in the advertising line,
To magnify sounds' on such marvellous scales,
That the sounds of a cod seem as big as a whale's;
But popular rumors, right or wrong,―
Charity Sermons, short or long,—
Lecture, speech, concerto, or song,
All noises and voices, feeble and strong,
From the hum of a gnat to the clash of a gong,
This tube will deliver distinct and clear;
Or, supposing by chance
You wish to dance,
Why, it's putting a Horn-pipe into your ear!
Try it-buy it!
The last New Patent, and nothing comes nigh it,
For guiding sounds to proper tunnel :
Only try till the end of June,
And if you and the Trumpet are out of tune,
I'll turn it gratis into a Funnel!"
In short, the pedlar so beset her,
Lord Bacon couldn't have gammon'd her better,
With flatteries plump and indirect,
And plied his tongue with such effect,—
A tongue that could almost have butter'd a crumpet,—
The deaf Old Woman bought the Trumpet.
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