are errors due to the similarity, more or less great, between the signals of different words. Obviousness of meaning will often help to prevent these also. 64 66 that on one occasion an invitation to dinner on Sunday was altered to an invitation for Monday. The recipient, on telegraphing to know whether "Sunday We will now present to the reader a or Monday" was meant, had his telecurious collection of telegraph blunders, gram altered to "Saturday or Monillustrative of the three categories we day;" and the final answer of "Sunhave mentioned. The names, we need day" was turned into "Tuesday." scarcely remark, are in all cases fictitious." Meet me at half-past seven"-a not The first category, as we have said, con- uncommon time for theatre appointsists of blunders of sheer guessing; and ments often reaches the destinee as, these in their turn may be subdivided "Meet me at half-past eleven'-the into two classes: 1st, Those in which fact being that seven and eleven, when the different idea conveyed is an allied not distinctly written, are easily conor a cognate idea, or a widely different founded. "I shall be at my office at idea; and 2d, Those in which the differ- nine," arrives as, "I shall be at my ent idea conveyed is the exact opposite office at one." But these blunders beto the original idea. Let us take those ing of a common kind, we need not in which a cognate or a widely different multiply instances of them. Let us reidea is given. Here we have: "Send turn to our list. Just received a salthree tons linseed oil," transmitted as, mon from London," was rendered, "Send three tons linseed meal.' "Just received a balloon from LonPlease to send us fifteen wagons of don!" An order to a butcher ran Burgie daily till further orders," trans- thus: "Please send me two hind-quartmitted as, ers of lamb for to-morrow." This was altered to, "Please send me two hindquarters of lamb for dinner.”—“ Please come quickly, prepared to sleep. We want you. Bring some soles, if possible." The telegraph operator improved this into, "Please come quickly, prepared to sleep. We want you. Bring some clothes, if possible." His mind evidently resisted the notion that it could be fish that was to be brought, and "clothes" seemed the more likely object of the sender's solicitude. A telegram addressed to a fish-salesman read as follows: 'Send ten fresh hares as early as you can." This was improved into "Send ten fresh soles as early as you can. Here the idea of asking a fishmonger to supply hares evidently struck the clerk as absurd. He therefore used his intelligence (?). In the next case, the clerk clearly did not use his intelligence, or he would hardly have turned a telegram from a lady of title to a waiter: "Come and wait to-night. Sorry to give such short notice;" into 'Come and dine to-night. Sorry to give such short notice." The next is a very ingenious perversion: "Met John at Brighton. Train leaves Horsham at 10 minutes past 7." This was rendered, “Meet train at Brighton," etc.— 64 64 Please to send us fifteen tons of Burgie daily till further orders. "Send us two waiters," transmitted as, Send us twenty waiters."-" Warmest sympathy to Ellen and yourself in your sad loss,' transmitted as, Warmest congratulations to Ellen and yourself in your sad loss."-" Ask Lady Grantly if Cox can read aloud," etc., rendered as, "Ask Lady Grantly if you can read aloud," etc. "Cox" seems to have rather an unfortunate tendency to be converted into "you," for here is another case of it: Have just written to Cox to send no more milk," was rendered, have just written to you to send no more milk." There is a distant resemblance between the signals for the two words; but clearly in each case the mistake was the result of guessing, the operator setting down what he thought was likely, instead of listening accurately to what was sent." Will be at home this evening,' was rendered, "Will be at home. to-morrow evening.' There seems to be a fatality about appointment telegrams. The days of the week are perpetually transformed, and the hours of meeting changed. Monday is changed into to-day, and to-day into Monday or to-morrow; Thursday is changed into Tuesday, and Tuesday into Thursday; Saturday into Sunday or Wednesday; and so on. It is related 64 46 66 Will leave by train arriving at quarter past six," was rendered, "Will leave by train arriving at quarter past, Thursday."—" If possible, come up tomorrow, express," was rendered, 'If possible, come up to-morrow evening.' 66 Let my coat and waistcoat be sent down to-morrow evening," was rendered, "Let my coat and waistcoat be in town to-morrow evening." A husband telegraphs to his wife, Be sure and wrap up warm," etc. It is rendered, "Be here and wrap up warm, etc." The wedding is at St. James's, Piccadilly, house thirty-nine Margaret Street; do come.' This is rendered, "The wedding is at St. James's Piccadilly house they dine Margaret Street; do come." The introduction of "Number" before "thirty-nine" would have prevented the blunder. The operator evidently went to sleep between the "th" and "ine," and guessed that "they dine" was what had been signalled to him." Your aunt Kate died this morning at 20 minutes past 11; will write particulars." This was rendered, "Your aunt came direct this morning at 20 minutes past II; will write particulars." Wide as this is from the original, one sees how the mistake was made. "Kate" has only a dot and a dash less than "came," and the operator conceiving he had missed them, took "came" for the word intended. This would agree with his notions of what was the likely word. Having thus arrived at "Your aunt came," the next word beginning di-" pointed to direct as the likely word, and down he jotted it. The last three words of the sentence might have shown him to be following a wrong clue, and might have made him pause before committing himself to his interpretation of the message, had he not had a lively experience of sentences which seemed to him the variest jumbles, but which were in truth the messages as worded by the senders. Indeed the jargon in which many people indulge is quite as like nonsense as the worst results of the telegraph operator's manipulations. A gentleman on one occasion telegraphed to a friend that "he had had a fair passage [across the Channel], but not a glide," meaning thereby that it had not been altogether smooth. This out-of-the-way expression fairly beat his correspondent, and it was some time before the latter would believe that those words had been written in sober earnest by his friend, and were not some ingenious perversity on the part of the telegraph. But to return. "Shall be glad to have bus to ourselves if you can get one to meet us,' was converted into, Shall be glad to have you to ourselves if you can get one to meet us." Here again the last words might have been expected to put the clerk on his guard, and warn him that there must be a mistake somewhere. But we cannot help thinking that a Nemesis was at work to punish the writer for using that most objectionable word "bus." If brevity was his aim, why not write, "We should like an omnibus to ourselves"? This would have even had the advantage of being a word shorter. The next is a very wide guess; the clerk seems to have been wool-gathering:""Reduce wool shirtings one farthing per yard" was rendered, "Reduce wool estimates one farthing per yard."-" Meet meat the Peabody statue, Royal Exchange, precisely at 2, was rendered by a clerk ignorant or oblivious of topography," Meet me at the Peabody statue, Royal Exchange, Piccadilly, at 2."—" Has Mr. Delaporte come to you? Please answer yes or no," was rendered, Can Mr. Delaporte come to you? Please answer yes or no."-" Mary will be home in the evening," was rendered, "Mary is ill, be home in the evening."-" I hope you will be glad to hear your sister has consented to an engagement with father's approval." This was rendered, "I hope you will be glad to hear your sister has consented to an engagement with father's apostle." Puck must have been in a very waggish mood here!" All going well; a little girl at 7 o'clock this morning,' was rendered, “All going well; a little fire at 7 o'clock this morning," which must have rather alarmed the recipients, who were expecting to hear of a birth. The blunder was probably due to some one's bad writing. It might, however, have been prevented if 44 born" had been inserted after "little girl;" and by the omission of the superfluous word "o'clock,'' equal brevity would have been attained. "Come here at quarter to five, instead of to Princes Gate, was sent as, “Come home at quarter to five, instead of to 46 Princess Gate."-"As this is the last we shall see of Jenny for a long while, we had rather not part till Friday," was altered into, "As this is the last we shall see of Jenny for a long while, we had rather not wait till Friday." The next is to a doctor about a patient who is unable to leave his room. "We should be glad if you could see Mr. Vincent to-morrow at your leisure,' which was rendered, "We should be glad if you could see Mr. Vincent tomorrow at your residence." Doctors are particularly unfortunate in their telegrams. One doctor had tidings sent to him that a patient was suffering from nausea," which was delivered to him as "hensia ;" another message mentioned that some one was suffering from St. Vitus' dance, which reached its destination as suffering from a vile dance." "Meet me at Midland station at 12.50. Wire me to Knight if you can't come. This was rendered, Meet me at Midland station at 12.50. Wire me to-night if you can't come' -a blunder clearly due to the awkward construction of the sentence. "At Knight's" would have been just as short, and have would avoided the danger. The following is a lively specimen of an operator's intelligence: "We hear there is sickness at college, is turned by him or her-for the telegraph" is of both sexes-into "We hear there is examination at college."-"Will come home immediately by next train," was rendered, "Will you come immediately by next train," leading the unfortunate recipient to take a useless and costly journey. Shall be home usual time, my brother's wife going to see him," was rendered, was rendered," Shall be home usual time, my brothers were going to see him. Here, again, one word more would have saved the mistake, viz., “is” after "wife;" and the omission of "my" would have compensated for the insertion of the auxiliary verb. Send with flowers to-morrow one bridal and six bridesmaids' bouquets. This was felicitously rendered, Send with flowers to-morrow bridal wreath, six bridesmaids' bouquets," the operator being apparently of mind that a wreath must be wanted for the bride. "I cannot ask you to dinner this evening, as shall be without cook," was turned into the following 66 one pleasing intimation: "I cannot ask you to dinner this evening, as shall be with you," which must have somewhat perplexed the recipient. He was not, however, so cruelly treated as the recipient of the telegram, Don't fail this evening; Lord Dash is coming," which was happily altered into, "Don't call this evening; Lord Dash is coming;" or as the lady who sent an advertisement for a lady's-maid to the "Times," the last words of which were "personal character indispensable," and who had the pleasure of seeing it printed, owing to some vagary of the telegraph, as personal character undesirable. Send no more corkscrews until I advise you, was rendered, "Send on more corkscrews until I advise you," with the result that can be imagined. The foregoing blunders have all, more or less, their comic side; but the three following are of a graver nature. "Your mother is better, was rendered, "Your mother is dead."-"Peter's father dead; should not I go?" was rendered, "Peter's here dead; should not I go?" 66 "Cannot go to the theatre to-night. Baby no worse. The last three words were altered into "Baby no more." It is a curious fact that no more" and "no worse" have a decided tendency to become converted the one into the other. Messages conveying the tidings that invalids are no worse are translated into the intelligence that they are no more ;" while announcements that perno more" become news that they are no worse.' In this instance, the words were intended to reassure the husband; but the telegraph clerk, not knowing the circumstances, imagined that they were intended to explain why the wife could not go to the theatre. By substituting in such a case the phrase "not any worse" for " no worse," the danger might be avoided. sons are We now come to the blunders of our second category-viz., those conveying the exact opposite to the idea intended. And here, while some part of the fault may occasionally be set down to the authors of the telegrams, we must confess that Puck is revealed in his most mischievous mood. What else can explain the translation of a plain message like We can dine with you tonight" into "We cannot dine with you to-night"? Or 44 66 We can supply the machine you ask for," into "We cannot supply the machine you ask for"? Or "They are unsold,' into "They are sold"? Or "Send to Victoria by first train," into "Send to Victoria by last train"? Or "I hope to see you some time this evening," into "I hope to see you some time this morning"? Or" Henry is gradually getting better; will write to-night," into " Henry is gradually getting weaker; will write tonight"? Or "Character very unsatisfactory," into "Character very satisfactory"? Or "Send by first boat to-morrow bushel sample wheat," into "Send by first train to-morrow bushel sample wheat"? Or "Added fifteen, into "Deducted fifteen"? Or " Our rooms are let," into "Our rooms are ready"? while contrariwise "The rooms are ready" was turned into "The rooms are let'? Or "I shall be home to-night for dinner," into "Shall not be home to-night for dinner "? Or, finally, Love to you all. I am very well," into Love to you all. I am very ill"? On the other hand, abbreviations or awkwardly constructed sentences must sometimes share the blame. Thus Please not come,' was rendered, Please do come." And this has happened more than once; the operator evidently imagining that if "not" had really been intended, the sentence would have consisted of four words, "Please do not come;" but being assured by his fellow-operator at the other end of the wire that there were only three, he refused to trust to the evidence of his senses, and preferred to follow the light of his reason. The one told him "not" the other 'do." He chose "do." "Don't come this afternoon,' was rendered, "You come this afternoon." Here again, though the abbreviation is in itself no excuse for such a blunder, yet the absence of it would no doubt have prevented the mistake. All abbreviations in telegrams are mischievous, but none more so than "can't." It is perpetually being altered into can ;" and yet, with that perversity for defeating their own objects which too frequently characterizes mortals, "can't seems to be used in almost every telegram in which "cannot should appear. We hold that it would be only " Just as no worse" and "no more," we saw, had a tendency toward mutual conversion, SO all is over" and “all is well we find have a similar tendency. Thus a simple announcement, "All is over" was rendered "All is well." And Come home to-morrow, all is well," was rendered, "Come home to-morrow, all is over." These expressions are to be avoided, as it evidently to a great extent depends on the turn of mind of the operator which way they come out. The first operator was no doubt of a hopeful tendency, and thought the message must be of a reassuring character. The second was gloomy, and turned brightness into sorrow. In both cases the result was equally unfortunate.-We had just now a mistake of "ill" for "well." Here is another, "Worse news of baby. Come directly. I am well. Answer what time to expect you," which was rendered, "Worse news of baby. Come directly. I am ill. Answer what time to expect you." The juxtaposition of "I am well with worse news of baby, come directly," no doubt threw the clerk off his guard, and led him to imagine the news must all be bad. By writing, "I am well, but baby is worse, come directly," etc., the sender would have guided the operator's mind to the real state of the case. sent as 66 It is astonishing, but true, that of all messages likely to go wrong, none are more so than those consisting of a single word. The brief response yes" is sent as no," the response no" is yes. And this mistake will be made even by operators who have the word plainly written before their eyes, and who, it would therefore have been thought, could not possibly make it. A telegram once consisted of the solitary word Biscuits." It came out at the other end "Yes" ! 64 The following mistakes, slight telegraphically, would not be slight to those concerned.- "We will come to-day if you do not telegraph that it is convenient," was rendered, "We will come to-day if you do not telegraph, but it is inconvenient." The signals for "that" and "but" are almost identical, the sole difference lying in the spaces or pauses, thus: a t u t The same applies to the two following: 4 .... 4 etc., was "Please to get calf if possible either to-morrow or Thursday, and send it in a cattle-wagon," was rendered, "Please to meet a calf if possible either to morrow or Thursday, and send it in a cattle-wagon." e t eet cleverly rendered, "Carriage has arrived. Send chaise by afternoon post. -"Your bacon has been forwarded," was converted into "Your banker has been forwarded," the operator probably supposing that "forwarded" was a delicate way of putting some unpleasant news anent the banker, equivalent, perhaps, to "run in."-"I shall be home towards evening," was rendered, “I shall be home to-morrow evening."Shall arrive at 7 o'clock. Shall walk on towards Shirley, and you can meet me with the trap, was rendered, “Shall arrive at 7 o'clock. Shall walk on tomorrow. Shirley and you can meet me with the trap."-" Sorry I cannot come. Tom will meet Mr. Beverley as arrangSorry I cannot ed," was rendered, come to-morrow. Will meet Mr. Beverley as arranged." In these last three cases it will be observed the clerk's mind was so dominated by a sense of time that he could not conceive of any other word in such context beginning "to" than "to-morrow."-" Please expect me on Monday afternoon. I am called away urgently in opposite direction, was rendered, Please excuse me on Monday afternoon. I am called away unexpectedly in opposite direction." The whole of us except the babies and nurses start to-day,' was rendered, "The whole of us expect the babies and nurses, start to-day.”—“ You will be excluded if your contributions are not received by to-night's post :" this, which was apparently sent by some building or benefit society to a lax member, must have rather astonished that individual when he received it in the following terms: "You will be expected if your contributions are not received by tonight's post." It was just what he thought he would not be. Another building society telegram read as follows: You will no doubt remember it was decided to meet at the Eagle to-night to discuss rules. This was rendered, You will no doubt remember it was declined to meet at the Eagle to-night to discuss rules."-" I send two hundred pamphlets this post. Please despatch forthwith." champagne to forthwith." The last three words were altered into, "Please destroy forthwith." We do not know what the pamphlets were, but we should not be surprised if this freak of the telegraph only somewhat "We have got a man,' was rendered, "We have not a man. Here the error was caused by the dropping of a dash. The last series of telegraphic freaks we intend to lay before the reader consists of errors which have evidently arisen from guessing on the part of the clerk after the first two or three letters of the word have been signalled. Parenthetically we may observe that "expect and "except, ̧” ́ ́ decided” and declined," are words which often get confounded from this cause. "Send brougham to Works this afternoon," was rendered, "Send brougham to Worksop this afternoon ;" and this happening in the neighborhood of Worksop, to Worksop the brougham went. "Have twelve pieces in stock, but they are two shades,' was rendered, Have twelve pieces in stock, but they are two shillings.' This error is not uncommon in mercers' telegrams, telegraph clerks thinking apparently little about color but much about prices. "Send immediately three bottles champagne to Granchester," was rendered, "Send im mediately three bottles champagne to Grandmother."-" Carriage has arrived. Send cheque by afternoon post,' was |