The Rival Undertaking is based on somewhat similar lines, as will be seen from the preliminary advertisement submitted to Mr. Punch, to which he has much pleasure in giving publicity in these columns:

THE WEST-END EXPLORATION AGENCY, LD. Head Office, Second Floor Front, Three Colts Lane, Bethnal Green, E. C. Branch Agencies at Whitechapel, Poplar, Limehouse, &c.

This Association has been formed for the purpose of organising Night Tours through Belgravia and Lightest London, and thereby affording Members of the Industrial Classes an opportunity of exploring, under experienced guidance and in perfect safety, those parts of the West End to which access has been hitherto either impossible or attended by considerable risk.

On application to any of the agencies, and payment of a small fee per head, parties desiring to make the tour will be personally conducted by competent guides, specially selected for their knowledge of West End purlieus, and their intimate acquaintance with members of the "Exposed Tenth."

Arrangements have been entered into whereby tourists will be enabled to penetrate to the inmost recesses of certain Pall Mall Clubs, the mere thresholds of which have never before been crossed by the most enterprising outsider, and it is confidently anticipated that the appalling spectacles which may be beheld during a brief inspection of such notorious haunts as the "Athenæum," "Reform,' "Oxford and Cambridge," and "Brooks's" Clubs will surpass the most vivid and thrilling descriptions of Socialist Orators and Feminine Novelists!

Excursionists may, should they desire it, enter into conversations with various members of a population composed almost entirely of Habitual Ecclesiastics, Legislators, Officers of both Services, Casual and Professional Littérateurs, and Artists, who, if civilly interrogated, may be expected to furnish invaluable information as to their earnings, occupations, morals, and manner of life generally.

As a rule, the most irreclaimable aristocrats will be found perfectly tractable, provided they are given to understand that they are the subjects-not of idle curiosity, but-of genuine interest and sympathy. Some caution, however, should be observed in localities known to be frequented by Bishops, and it is distinctly unsafe to make advances to a Retired Admiral, unless with the sanction of the Conductor.

Flying visits will be paid to Smart Dinner Parties, from which the Tourist will carry away an ineffaceable impression of the Torpid Satiety that may almost be said to be the chronic condi tion of the Upper Classes.

Typical "Balls" and "Crushes" will be prominent features in each excursion, affording as they do Ghastly Examples of the terrible overcrowding, insufficient clothing, and imperfect ventilation, in which so many uncomplaining sufferers are compelled to pursue their sole means of enjoyment!

Facilities have been afforded for the inspection, during any time of the Day or Night, of the most Fashionable Hotels by Parties accompanied by a Conductor, who will be empowered to take them over the various Eating Rooms and Dormitories, whether occupied or otherwise.

Lady inhabitants of the East End wishing to see this neighbourhood can be conducted round during the day, and see their jaded and overworked sisters of the West End engaged in their unremitting toil of "driving," "calling," "leaving cards," "bazaar-holding," and other equally arduous and poorly-remunerated occupations.

Owing, however, to the condition of some of the chief West End thoroughfares, under no circumstances can Ladies be permitted to join the Night Tours.

Male East Enders, if suitably attired (rabbit-skin caps and "pearlies" must not be worn), need apprehend no danger at any time, provided they remain close to their conductor, and follow his advice in all emergencies.

is by this time matter of history. Everyone knows how the General approached the Castle single-handed, and how, after a short but brilliant attack, he forced the garrison to capitulate. But how complete the victory was, comparatively few have realised. Not a single newspaper, so far as we are aware, has taken any notice of the fact that, before the General left the field,

MR. GLADSTONE WAS GAZETTED CORPORAL.

66

Hot

Since then, all has been activity at Hawarden. The Castle has been turned into barracks, and the library into a doss-house. and Strong WILLIAM." He is saving souls by the thousand, and The Corporal is indefatigable. He is already known as recruits are pouring in so fast that twenty orderlies are busy On Sunday last night and day taking down their names.

A GRAND PARADE was held on the lawn, when the Corporal for the first time wore his uniform. It would be madness to attempt to describe the enthusiasm of the meeting. Never was such singing heard as when the Corporal led off the Army, marching backwards, and beating time with both hands. But the climax was reached when the hymn was ended, and the Corporal called a halt. "Attention!" he cried, in his well-known silvery voice, which rang clear and distinct to the uttermost rank of that huge armament. "Now then, are you ready?

PREPARE TO RECEIVE-SALVATION!" In an instant the air was darkened with caps and bonnets. Thirty thousand voices cheered; thirty thousand "Hallelujahs!" rent the welkin. In a scene of unparalleled excitement, "HOT AND STRONG WILLIAM" LAID ON THE SULPHUR AND BRIMSTONE!

A SERIES OF BRILLIANT VICTORIES.

THE SHEPHERD'S SOLILOQUY.

A POLITICAL PASTORAL.

ARGUMENT.-Menalcas, after the first pastoral contest of the year, museth, not without misgiving, on the show made by his "ragged sheep," as compared with the woolly flocks of Damætas.

I HAVE heard of the "Shepherd of Salisbury plain,"-
The title just now seems a trifle suggestive!-

But I, Malwood's Shepherd, had counted on gain
From a flock which seems proving a little bit restive.
That Salisbury Damætas will mock at my plight,

And swear that my song is the merest stale crambo;
While Palæmon will settle our contest at sight,
And give him the prize, though we're Arcades Ambo!
My "smart strokes of rustical raillery "* tell,
Ah! more than they did in Virgilian Pastoral.
But as to my sheep-well, they scarce do as well

As those of Damætas, of which he seems master all.
Mine make lots of "cry," but for "wool "-well, I fear
That "my jolly sheep" find the ground "false" and
"shifty";

With "bones barely covered" when time comes to shear,
Of yield to my scissors methinks they'll prove thrifty.
I did deem that hopeful Hibernian lamb

Would prove pretty woolly. Perhaps it may-later: The Armenian ewe and the Soudanese ram. Don't seem to come on, and my grief is the greater. Damætas is smiling. He hints, with that grin, I'd best "shear my swine," like a Mævius. He is so sardonic! My flock does look thin. How unlike the folded one gathered around him! Baa! Baa! Yes, you 're beggars at bleating, you are. Much cry, little wool! Primrose-POLLIO will chortle. He's waiting the rise of the right Shepherd's star, Afar from the haunts where we hustle and hurtle. VIRGIL'S Third Pastoral or Palamon.,

(Crescendo.) "DADDY, I'SE HURTED MY FINGER !!" (No answer.)
(No answer.) (Reproachfully.) "DADDY, YOU MIGHT SAY 'OH'!"
Dalmeney or Malwood? Our qu. rel, our split,
Damætas declares we to mutual folly owe.
Well, well, I don't mean that my skill and my wit
Shall serve but for gracing the triumph of-POLLIO!
Baa! Baa! Well, I'll fold you again for the time,
But your pastoral promise is not very cheering.

I do hope you'll plump up and be woolly and prime,
And not prove all cry when the time comes for shearing!

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

ONE of my Baronites writes:-"I have just been reading Many Cargoes, by Mr. W. W. JACOBS, which has made me laugh much and often. It is a collection of short stories, reprinted from various periodicals, and dealing with men that go down to the sea in ships of moderate tonnage; stories told with such fresh and unforced fun that their drollery is perfectly irresistible. It is by no means safe to assume that what has struck oneself as delightfully humorous will seem equally so to others, but, bearing that fully in mind, I find it hard to conceive anyone with any sense of the ludicrous at all reading 'In Borrowed Plumes,' 'Low Water,' 'The Rival Beauties,' or, A Harbour of Refuge,' for example, and preserving his gravity unimpaired. I have never heard of Mr. W. W. JACOBS before, and, for anything I know, this may be his first literary voyage, but I can only say that the sooner he puts to sea again and brings back more cargoes of the same goods, the better I shall be pleased." THE BARON.

Signs of a Slump.

"OVERTAXED Ireland means the Union's doom," Cried late "United Ireland," much elated. But now some think that, as a Party boom, Overtaxation has been-over-rated!

THREE PER CENT-INELS.-The Bank of England guard.

Tips

dry up, as I'm off to BIRCH'S. amount to three pounds, seventeen shillings, and four pence. Not so bad in these nard times. Eh, old man?

Yours, signing himself affectionately, JONES MINOR.

SPORTIVE SONGS.

An old and not yet extinguished Admirer writes to a former Flame on the recurrence of her Natal Day.

I'm writing to you, love, by night.

The house is hushed, the gas turned out, My candle's solitary light

Proclaims the darkness it would flout. The fire with ill-conditioned heat

Has just demanded copious coal;

I've got a feeling in my feet

That tells my slippers' want of sole!

And yet I write, because I know
To-morrow will your birthday be.

In memory of long ago

You will expect a line from me!
A little scrawl to bid you wealth,
And health, and happiness, and joy,
The wishes that we made by stealth
When you were girl and I was boy!

I wish them! Are you satisfied

To find I still am true in heart,
Or mourn the vow you once denied
In order we might ever part?
No matter! Still I picture you

An angel in a village church;

Your eyes and bonnet both were blue,

And left confession in the lurch!

Yes! there demure and even prim,

You drove my mind to earthly things, Yet, as I've said, an angel slim,

You only needed little wings.

And so to-day again I went

To that same church where first we met. Ah! then I knew the Love you lent, But gave it with the curse Regret! Days upon days, and years on years, Have swiftly come and slowly_gone! We travel through the Vale of Tears Wide separated and alone! But still, whatever be our fate,

I yearly wander to the shrine Where once-I need not give the dateAnd so to-night accept this leaf I knew your prayers were wholly mine!

Who may not play the part of thief Culled from the pocket-book of Time,

EXPECTED ADDRESSES. THE rule relating to post cards, "the address only to be written on this side," is abolished. It is probable that the letter sorters will now be compelled to decipher such addresses as the following: