DISADVANTAGES OF THE MIXED PARTY SYSTEM. Just as Jemmy Lambold thought he had secured the opportunity so long denied him, up comes that young Rupert Green. "COME ALONG, MISS FORTESCUE! OUR DANCE YOU PROMISED." (And she keeps her promise, too.) A LENTEN LAY. "Tis now the jocund time of Lent, And parsons all are most intent Each as to how it should be spent, Their views advancing. Have I done anything they've taught? I fear not. Yet-on second thought- No more I urge my wild career In "Washingtons" with you, my dear; With you no more my course I steer In waltz entrancing. People may say, as people will, I've given up dancing! One other Lenten exercise Of mine might well excite surprise- You're miles away at Cannes, 'tis true, TALK VERSUS WORK. SCENE-A boudoir suitably furnished. TIMEBefore the meeting of "The Ladies' Congress for the Discovery of Congenial Employment for Females with Nothing to do." MATRON at her desk surrounded by tradesmen's books. Enter to her PUSHING SPINSTER. Matron (laying down her pen). I can give you five minutes. Spinster. You must be very busy! Matron. I am. What can I do for you? Spinster (producing long programme). Do you mind reading this? Matron. You can save time by telling me what it is all about. Spinster. It is rather complicated. But I may say that the object we have in view is to obtain the equality of the sexes. Matron. Then my husband should also be present; but, unfortunately, poor man, he is hard at work in the City. Spinster. So he should be! But I don't want to see him, but you. Matron. That seems to be rather a single-sided arrangement. Surely he should hear any advantages that you have in store for both of us. Spinster. Man has selfishly protected his NEW SUBURBAN DISTRICT APPROPRIATELY own interests for centuries. NAMED.-Jerry-cho. JOINT ACTION. - The Roman butchers have gone on strike. Matron. Indeed! Well, the world has gone on very well, in spite of it. Spinster. That is regarding the subject from a very low level. Our object is to teach our sisters that we have a mission that most of us have neglected. Matron (laughing). It's just as well my husband is not present. He would declare that I neglect nothing. Spinster. Fancy adopting the opinion of a mere man! Matron. Why not, if the judgment is favourable? Spinster. I can see that you have never seriously considered the responsibilities of the situation. Matron. Maybe; but I have a good many other matters claiming my attention. (Looking at her watch.) And that reminds me that three minutes are up, and I can only spare you two minutes more for an explanation. Spinster. Two minutes! Why, my dear madam, it would take me hours to describe only a tithe of our grievances. Matron. If that be so, I am afraid we must defer the recital to a more favourable opportunity. Spinster. But you will at least come to our congress? Matron. Should be delighted, only, you see, my good girl, I have to attend to the house and the children! [Curtain. APPROPRIATE SHAKSPEARIAN MOTTO FOR A FIRM OF ADVERTISING AGENTS.-" Posters of the sea and land." ["It is said that, in order to commemorate the Diamond Jubilee,' the fashions of this season are to conform as closely as possible to those of 1837." Daily Paper.] Monday night.-Greatly struck by this sentence. Strange that no one should have recognised earlier that this is by far the most appropriate way of honouring Her Majesty, and, personally, I intend to put the idea into practice at once, and bring back, as far as possible, the glories of sixty years ago. The true object of loyalty must be, to every thinking man Suddenly remember that I am writing by electric light. No electric light in 1837, so switch it off, and light candles. As I was saying, the true object of loyalty. Horrible thought! I am using a steel nib an invention of recent and degraded years. After much search, discover a quill-pen; it splutters painfully, and renders my writing quite illegible. But what does that matter, when I can reflect that I am using the implement employed in the year of our Queen's Accession? As I was about to remark, the true object of loyalty, to every thinking man must be... At this moment WILLIAM enters with a letter. He regards my lighted candles with some surprise, and enquires whether the electric light has gone wrong, as it is all right in the other rooms. I take the opportunity of explaining my plan to him, to which he answers gravely, "Yes, Sir;" but I hear disconcerting sounds, as of half-suppressed guffaws, directly he has left the room. The letter proves to be from JONES, reminding me that I am due to visit him at Exeter to-morrow. 66 Resume my unfinished sentence Strange, I have for to every thinking man must be " gotten the rest of it. Will go to bed. Tuesday.-While dressing, suddenly remember that I must go to Exeter by coach-no trains in 1837. After many enquiries, fail to find a coach running beyond Guildford. Ought to "post the remainder of journey, but this is too expensive, so determine to stay at home. Walk to the post-office to send JONES a wire, explaining reason of my non-appearance. Luckily I remember just in time the gross anachronism of this proceeding-no telegraphs in 1837! Will write later, and ask JUDSON, our Member, for a "frank." Probably he will be surprised until he understands that it is part of my scheme for commemorating the longest reign. I announce my plan to my family, who display a deplorable want of enthusiasm, especially when I explain that dinner is to be at six o'clock. Sternly rebuke ETHEL, whom I detect in the act of mounting her bike. Bicycles in 1837, indeed! Compel her to come in-doors, and set her to work a sampler. In the afternoon I drive in the park, and make my footman ride postilion, to which he greatly objects. But everyone of any position had a postilion sixty years ago. In the course of the evening, TOMMY, my youngest son, asks me to give him a tennis-raquet as his next birthday present. I decline, explaining that there was no lawntennis in 1837, but that he can have a bow and arrows, if he likes. He murmurs at this suggestion, and is not appeased when informed of my resolve to make him wear a high hat this year whenever he plays cricket. But, as I point out, what does his personal comfort matter, when he has a chance of displaying his loyalty? Sixty years ago everyone played cricket in a top hat. Dine at six, and, having got rid of my wife and daughter, begin to drink the two bottles of port which every gentleman (in 1837) used to consume after dinner. Doctor would say bad for goutwhat doctorsh knowboutit ? Half-don'sh seconbottl'. Drinksh Queen's healths. Feel alsh-the-better. Sing nanthemish-ational -no, nationalanthem-can't 'member words. Ain' goin-to-bedsh -mush-make a lit'-speech . . . longesh-reign, y'know! Wednesday. Strangely enough, I have a severe headache this morning. Doubtless it is caused by the early hour at which I dined yesterday. But, if I cannot be consistent in returning to the ways of 1837, I may as well abandon the scheme altogether. And, as my family do not seem to enter into the spirit of it, and my friends are not sympathetic, while my servants unanimously threaten to give notice, perhaps I had better see whether "The Diamond Jubilee" cannot be commemorated in some other way! "THE SEVENTEENTH OF MARCH IN THE MORNING." (Extract from the Diary of a true Son of Erin.) NEVER felt in such trim in all my life. Have an excellent shillelagh, and one of the sweetest tail-coats that ever yet was It seems to be hungering to be trodden upon, and the day the best in the year for a little pleasant diversion. Look at that now! And all that is wanted is a subject for argument. seen. But where will I get one? Everybody seems to have forgotten about Extra Taxation. Not that that mattered much, as there was too much agreement between friends and neighbours. How can you break a head when there's ne'er a bit open to discussion ? Then, Home Rule was an elegant subject entirely, but it seems to have taken a back seat. Sure all the glories are gone, and the old country is more distressful than ever! Look at that now! But that's not the worst of it. Unless a gentleman can be in two places at once he can't contend against himself. And here am I all alone, without a soul within reach of a tap on the head for the sake of a reminder. Why, even a Kilkenny cat would feel lonesome without company. The other cat is necessary for a rollicking controversy. So there's nothing to be said but bad luck to peace and hurrooh for a row-when I can get it! TWO LINES WITHOUT A NOT.-In The Kent Argus for March 6 appeared the following notice : "The Thanet Harriers will meet at 11.30. on Tuesday, March 9, at Broomfield; Friday, March 12, at Herne Street. The Committee request that every care should be taken to ride over seeds, roots, and newly-planted ground." How liberal of the Committee! How nice for the farmers! No more "Ware wheat, gentlemen! 'Ware roots, gentlemen! Ware seeds!" But on we go, for'ardy, for'ardy, all among the wheat, the roots, and the seeds of all sorts! Rare sport! AXIOM BY AN ENTHUSIASTIO CYCLIST.-The wheel, not the rider, is always tyred. GONE TO PIECES.-NELSON at the Olympic and the Avenue. Titin MAY 97 STABLE TALK. し The General. "THAT'S A FUNNY SORT OF HORSE YOU 'VE GOT THERE, CUTHBERT." WINTER!" AUGUSTE EN ANGLETERRE. LONDON. DEAR MISTER,-After to have visited the Bank and the Stockexchange, I am gone to see the Tower of London. I go by the Railway under Ground. See there still a curiosity of your great town, of which I must speak in my guide. I go of good hour to the station of Charingcross, and I demand at the guichet a ticket to the Tower. Without doubt there finds herself there a station. Some misters very pressed, as all the world at London, attend impatiently behind me. The employed responds, "Maclène !" What droll of exclamation! It is perhaps an interrogation in the argot of London. I repeat therefore, more slowly and very distinctly, "Will you to give to me a ticket oune gah. Le gah pouah le touah, com- "GANDER'S HOLIDAY." I. AWAY beside the sad sea waves II. "Tis true there still remain for me Of comfort sundry crumbs, For at the club I much can be, To mingle with my chums. III. I need not rise before 'tis light, I can sit up the livelong night 1V. And yet I miss her gentle face, V. So as from daily work I come, "Better a hen-pecked life at home The Trade follows the Colour. Mrs. Miffkins (to pork butcher). I want two pounds of sausages. Which do you recommend, Mr. SLICE, Oxford or Cambridge? Mr. Slice. Well, ma'am, I need scarcely say that the sympathy of most ladies is with the Light Blues this year. IN A SLOW TRAIN. "Look out for squalls"-on land or sea- Look out for squalls. Yet in a train that slowly crawls Somehow it most appeals to me. An infant on its mother's knee of first class to go and return to the station 1 "WHEN Dutch WILLIAM came over to England from Holland it was on a King Jameson raid."-Extract from very original New History of England, by Sir G. B-w-r, subject to careful editing by Sir W. V. H-rc-rt. |