"It need not surprise any one who has lived in the rural districts, that the two strangers soon found themselves upon pretty intimate terms with Jane Brown. The younger one ingratiated himself at once, by praising the book of poetry she had been reading. It contained, he said, 'beautiful imagery,'' splendid passages,' 'powerful description,' and so forth. By-and-by he felt himself upon such a familiar footing that he readily extended his confidence, so far as to give his name and designation, which was, John Duncan, lieutenant of the blank regiment of infantry, a troop of which was stationed in Stirling Castle. His friend he styled Robert Haig, a lieutenant likewise in the same regiment. These announcements operated considerably in their favour; indeed, it was quite evident that Miss Brown felt flattered by the kind attentions of two officers in her Majesty's service, and half wished they had come to view the falls in uniform.

"When at length Miss Brown's notions of propriety told her it was time to return home, our gallants escorted her as far as they could with safety, and while shaking hands, hoped they might again have the pleasure of chatting half an hour with her, before leaving that part of the country."

Swipes here interrupted Flummery, by requesting him to brew another tumbler of toddy-to leave the lieutenants to take their dinner with high relish that afternoon, and to launch forth at once with a full description of the heroine.

was

"Miss Brown," continued Flummery, after a slight refreshment, the only daughter of John Brown, proprietor of some seventy or eighty acres, which he farmed himself. Being an heiress, and possessed of great personal attractions, she was an object of much interest to the unmarried men in her native district; but as yet it could scarcely be said that her affections were fixed upon any one in particular. True it was she had frequently been seen taking walks, and had attended tea and dancing parties with a young fellow named M'Mulkin, the son of a neighbouring farmer, and a great favourite with her father. But though she had a stronger liking for him than she felt for any other, still the feeling was not so intense as to be properly termed love. Indeed, it would have been difficult for Jane to tell her exact opinion of M'Mulkin, for she was extremely fickle in her tastes and affections. Sometimes she agreed with her father, that he was a very proper match; at other times she could not bear him, he was so this and so that. The truth was, that Jane's head was fairly turned by reading poetry, novels, and romances; and while she ought to have been thinking seriously of the addresses of a sensible man like M'Mulkin, she was dreaming of moonlight walks, stolen interviews, the wrath of parents, noble lovers in disguise, runaway matches, love in a cottage overhung with ivy, surrounded by laburnums, fruit trees, roses, and all the flowers of a novelist's garden.

"Such being Jane's character, you may easily imagine how much she was excited by the meeting with the two lieutenants. Her ardent fancy at once transformed them into prodigies of valour and heroes of romantic deeds. From the first she liked the youngest best-he was so pale and interesting-had such soft, sentimental eyes-and such a charming taste for poetry. Indeed, his image had so fully taken possession of her breast, that her true and faithful lover was for the time entirely forgotten, and when he called that evening he met with an indifferent reception. How odious appeared to her the contrast between the slim

martial figure of Lieutenant Duncan, and the huge muscular frame of M'Mulkin; and more odious still, was the comparison between the soft whisperings of the soldier and the stentorian voice of the farmer. Indulging in such disparaging sentiments, she hastily said 'Good night!' and leaving him to discuss crops and protective duties with her father, she retired to bed, and dreamed of being an officer's lady.

"Next day found her walking in the same place, and next day brought the gallant lieutenants to her side. Perceiving the interest he had excited Duncan commenced a regular siege, and, in the occasional absences of his companion, found opportunity to whisper words into poor Jane's ear which brought the warm blood to her cheek, and excited the liveliest feelings in her romantic heart. They met again that evening, and the following day saw them together, upon which occasion Haig took leave, as he was under the necessity, he said, of returning to his duties in Stirling. Duncan, however, declared himself too much fascinated to be able to leave the place. The courtship now progressed with amazing rapidity; indeed, a few days perfected as much as months usually accomplish with ordinary mortals. Ere a week had elapsed from the day of their first meeting, Lieutenant Duncan and Jane Brown were sworn lovers.

"But it must not be supposed that all this went on in secret. No, a curious observer might have seen nightly on their path a gigantic figure looming in the distance, and, if near enough, might have heard the muttered oaths of vengeance." Here Flummery suddenly stopped. "Now, Heigarth," he said, "I have finished volume first. The dramatis persona are before you. Go ahead, and work out the narrative."

"You've done pretty well," said Heigarth; “I wish I may be able to keep it up."

"Devilish good for you, Flummery," said Swipes. "Now, Frank, cudgel your brains, and begin volume second."

"The gigantic figure which was seen looming in the distance at the close of our first volume was that of M'Mulkin. The frequent walks of Jane during day, and her absence at night, could not long escape observation in a country district where every person's actions are closely scrutinised. The astounding fact soon came out that Jane was corresponding with a stranger, of whose name and connexions the gossips were ignorant. M'Mulkin's jealousy was aroused, and his first impulse was to thrash the fellow out of the country for daring to poach on what he rather prematurely assumed to be his own manor. On second thoughts, he was satisfied that such a course, though successful, was not likely to ingratiate himself with Jane. At the same time, he justly thought that if she esteemed another more than himself, it was wiser to submit with a good grace, than proclaim everywhere that he was duped and disappointed. He did not, however, think it inconsistent with these opinions to maintain a strict watch upon the motions of the lovers. Mr. Brown was, of course, informed of his daughter's conduct, and, highly incensed, he reprimanded her severely for consorting with strolling vagrants, and laid strong injunctions upon her to keep the house closely in future, a command which, as usual, was disobeyed at all hazards.

"But such injunctions were soon unnecessary, for the gallant lover, to the great relief of M'Mulkin, returned to his professional duties in Stirling, after a residence of ten days in Callender.

"Jane now became very lonely and sequestrated in her habits. She

ate little, read much poetry, wrote long letters, and avoided, as far as possible, the society of M Mulkin, who sought in vain for an explanation of her conduct. Her father, finding that her aversion to the husband he had destined for her was real (for she now felt at liberty to avow her engagement with Duncan), resolved in future to intercept all letters bearing the Stirling postmark.

"The first which fell into his hands was a gem of its kind. The handwriting was by no means elegant, and it was evident that, whatever might be the other accomplishments of Duncan, his syntax and prosody had been sadly neglected. It began with My dear Jane,' and ended with 'ever your affectionate John Duncan.' The body of the epistle was composed of stale protestations of unalterable attachment, expressions of joy at the happiness which was soon to be his portion, and deep regret that he was prevented from flying to the arms of his beloved, and much more nonsense in the style which spooneys indite when their shallow brains are touched with love.

"What a fool he must be,' said Brown to M'Mulkin, after carefully perusing the letter; I wonder Jane can stand such balderbash.'

666 'Damn the fellow's impudence!' exclaimed M Mulkin, 'I wish I had him here for ten minutes to thrash the conceit out of the puppy.'

"A long conversation ensued regarding the steps which should be taken in the matter, and it was agreed that a letter should be forwarded to the lieutenant of such a nature as would check his addresses. The better to avoid notice, for letter-writing was a rare occupation with him, Brown proposed an adjournment to a public-house. This was soon accomplished, writing materials were procured, and the combined intellects of the injured father and the indignant lover produced the following epistle:

"Midsheugh, June 18, 18-.

"Sir,—I take this opportunity to write to you to let you know that you may give up all thoughts about my daughter Jane, for she is promised in marriage to Mr. Archibald M'Mulkin, a respectable farmer here. And I have also to say that you may drop writing of letters, for I now seize and burn them all; and, more than that, should dare show your face here again, A. M'Mulkin, who is not to be sneezed at, will give you a sound drubbing, and no mistake.

you

"Hoping you will take warning in time, I remain,
"Your obedient servant,

"To Lieutenant Duncan, Stirling Castle.'

"JOHN BROWN.'

"This letter, fairly written out, was carefully sealed and posted that evening. After which they felt so much relieved that they indulged in a larger quantity of liquor than usual. In fact, they were so much overcome, that several individuals saw them staggering home, arm-in-arm, at a very late hour.

"Weeks passed by and no answer to this letter was sent, although several addressed to Jane had, in the mean time, been intercepted. For awhile they all breathed the same fervent love as at first, but by-and-by they contained reproaches upon Jane for neglecting to write. This of course was understood by her father, who saw with pleasure that she was incensed at her lover's supposed neglect. To his surprise, however, none of Duncan's letters contained any allusion to his own threatening epistle.

"Things were in this state when business called M'Mulkin to Stirling. Having settled his affairs early in the forenoon, he was about to return home, when he accidentally met an old and drouthy friend, named Varnish, with whom he retired to a small inn to enjoy a quiet glass. Varnish was one of those queer mortals who are at all times ready to attend to every one's business but his own. To oblige a friend he would cheerfully undertake any duty, while it was somewhat difficult to induce him to work at his own occupation, which was that of a portrait-painter. If a friend were sick he was ready with advice, for he had a smattering of medical science, and knew the learned names of the different parts of the human frame. If he required physic, he supplied him from his own medicine-chest. If he died, he superintended the funeral arrangements, and has even been known to act as waiter at the last solemn service, and hand round wine and cake. Nor did his attentions cease there. He was willing to assist the widow in making out accounts due to the deceased, and had no objection to collect them himself. In many other respects he proved himself useful. If you wished your portrait taken he was ready to begin. If you wished a room papered or painted he offered his assistance. If y f you wanted a boon companion he was always at hand, and if you were so unfortunate as to get a black eye in a scuffle, who could paint it so well. When sober he told a good story, sung a good song, and made himself agreeable; but when tipsy he was obstinate and violent, and had a bad habit of swearing to excess.

"M Mulkin had made the acquaintance of Varnish at a country inn, where the artist once resided for a few weeks, on the strength of a commission to paint a Saracen's head for a signboard. He had found him amusing, and ever since when he met him was glad to spend an hour in his company. On this occasion the talk was all of love and matrimony, for M'Mulkin, before the first tankard was empty, poured into his friend's ear all the particulars of his attachment to Miss Brown, and received much sympathy in return.

"As was to be expected, such a conversation led to a considerable quantity of liquor. M'Mulkin's brain, by-and-by, got heated and his language stronger as he spoke of that puppy the lieutenant, and Varnish responded with oaths that the scoundrel should be horsewhipped.

"Damn it,' said M‘Mulkin, I shan't leave Stirling without seeing the fellow.'

"A very proper resolution,' echoed Varnish. 'Let's go and beard the wooden soul in the castle. A man like you should not be bothered a moment by a hungry Highland lieutenant. If I were you I'd d———d soon settle him with a twelve-feet pencil.'

6

“We'll away, then,' said M'Mulkin; at the worst it can only be a fine, which I can afford, or a black eye, which you can paint.'

"All sense of discretion having now evaporated, M'Mulkin, with Varnish leaning upon his arm, proceeded to the castle. There they met a soldier named Campbell, who informed them Lieutenant Duncan was in the armoury. Thither they stalked, with that important air which men in an elevated state generally assume when bent upon serious business, and found a tall young man examining some armour. Presenting a bold front, M'Mullin walked up to him and demanded if he were Lieutenant Duncan.

6

"I am,' answered the officer. Pray what is your business with me? If you wish to enlist, you had better consult the sergeant.'

"My name's M'Mulkin, sir. You may have heard it before, sir.' "Well, Mr. M'Mulkin, what want you with me?'

"I want to know, sir, what your intentions are regarding Jane Brown, and I want a plain answer, sir. No humbug for me.'

"Jane Brown!' said the officer, 'I never heard of such a person. Oh, yes, I do recollect now, of receiving a letter some weeks ago from a madman who signed himself John Brown; and, when you bring the circumstance to my memory, I dare say there was some allusion to a fellow of the name of M'Mulkin.'

"Fellow, sir! do you call me a fellow,' roared M'Mulkin, as he advanced a step, when his progress was arrested by a smart blow on the face, administered with a walking-cane. M Mulkin instantly returned it, and Duncan was forced to take to his fists. A skirmish ensued, in which the farmer had the worst, for, bulky as he was, compared to the officer, he was far inferior in the noble art of self-defence. During the mélée, various pieces of old armour were thrown to the ground, pikes which had been taken from the radicals at Bonnymuir were broken, flags were torn, and oh, sacrilegious! John Knox's pulpit was nearly upset by the huge body of M'Mulkin falling against it.

"Seeing his friend's face streaming with blood, and his nose swollen to an enormous size, Varnish endeavoured to separate the combatants, and received for his pains a spare blow on his own proboscis, which sent him howling out of the place. His appearance in the court alarmed several soldiers, who, on learning the state of matters, rushed to their officer's rescue. M'Mulkin was at once overpowered, and fell senseless on the floor, from which he was dragged by the soldiers, and along with Varnish consigned to the custody of the civil authorities.

"This was an unlucky termination to the gallant enterprise of M'Mulkin, who, when he came to his senses, was heartily ashamed of himself. Bail was offered and refused. There was then no alternative but to wait patiently for the decision of the magistrates.

"Next morning they were brought up, and truly it was a woful appearance they made at the bar. Varnish's face was decent enough, if we except his nose, which was twice its original size, and much discoloured. M'Mulkin, however, had not escaped so well. His face was dreadfully cut and swollen, and both his eyes were black. When the facts came to be investigated, the artist was dismissed with a reprimand, but M Mulkin, in spite of all his eloquence in detailing the grievous wrongs and injuries he had received from the lieutenant, was fined in five guineas and harangued for half-an-hour on the grossness of the crime he had perpetrated.

"All that day the crest-fallen M'Mulkin remained in Stirling under the medical superintendence of Varnish, and to drown the recollection of their inglorious defeat both drank to excess. When it grew dark, M'Mulkin mounted his horse, and, under cover of night, returned to Callender, and reached his home without observation; indeed, his friends could scarcely have recognised him, though they had seen him, with a couple of black eyes which no paint could hide, a large piece of black plaster on his forehead, besides cuts and scars innumerable."

"Now Swipes," said Heigarth, "volume second must end there, for I can't go further, having no idea how to dispose of the characters."

"Neither have I in the mean time," said Swipes. "I must cogitate a little. Oblige us with a song Flum, so as to fill up the gap till the curtain rises."