my state. I questioned the truth of all I had experienced, and feared I had never yet passed through the pangs of the new birth, or ever had one spark of grace. And what confirmed this to me, my dear aged pastor, Mr. Clap, frequently preached, that they who had real grace, had growing grace. This used to make me tremble, because I could not perceive any growth; but thought I rather went back, and grew worse. Thus I was covered over with thick clouds for months together. Oh, the dreadful fruits of backsliding! At last, I applied to Mr. Clap, and begged of him, that if he knew of any thing which I had left undone, by what I had told him, or wrote for my admission into the church, he would let me know it, that the mistake might be rectified before it was too late. I was indeed possessed with the thought, that he saw so clearly into my state, that he knew I was a hypocrite, though I did not till then. I told him of this. But he said, he never thought so; and put me upon renewing covenant engagements with God, and giving myself up to him then; and perhaps I should find I had done so before. This I endeavored to do, and did get some relief; but was not yet satisfied. The tokens of a woful backslider were upon me. I had forsaken my first love, and God justly deserted me. Sometimes that text would refresh me, "Return, ye backsliding children, and I will heal your backslidings." My heart would answer, "Behold I come unto thee; for thou art the Lord my God." And sometimes that passage, "I, even I am he, that blotteth out

thy transgressions, and as a cloud thy sins: Return unto me; for I have redeemed thee." But yet all this time I could not get clear of doubts; but thought such dreadful formality and hypocrisy, as I perceived to be in my heart, could not consist with grace. I labored along thus all the winter, unresolved how the case stood between God and my soul: And an uncomfortable, dreadful life it was. At some times I was so covered with darkness, that I seemed to be sure I had not one spark of grace : At other times afraid of ingratitude, afraid to deny what God had done for my soul. Oh, these were the dreadful fruits of blacksliding, and losing my first love! The Lord in mercy preserve me, that I may never do so any more!

I continued thus till March, 1741. And then it pleased God to return Mr. Tennent to us again, and he preached twenty-one sermons here. But while he was here, I was more than ever distressed. I had lost the sensible manifestations of Christ's love. I had no more but a bare remembrance of some things, which I had experienced; and yet I was afraid to draw up a conclusion, one way or the other. I applied to Mr. Tennent, and he discoursed very suitably with me. But still I was not quiet, but exceedingly distressed.

I had some light and refreshment under his preaching the next day; but my darkness returned again, and I sunk very low. I was so afraid of presumption, that I dare not conclude my state was good. And he struck directly at those things, for which I had so foolishly and wickedly pleaded

christian example, such as singing songs, dancing, and foolish jesting, which is not convenient. He said, he would not say there was no such thing as a dancing christian, but he had a very mean opinion of such as could bear to spend their time so, when it is so short, and the work for eternity so great. Then, and not till then, was I fully convinced what prodigal wasters of precious time such things were. And, through grace, I have abhorred them all ever since. And to the glory of God be it spoken: for it is only from his sovereign wonderful goodness to me.

I am indeed now astonished when I think how I myself, or any other christian, who has once tasted one moment's sweet communion with God, can have any relish for such vanities as singing and dancing, &c. O, how much greater is the pleasure which is to be enjoyed in the exercise of religious duties, than any such thing can afford! Not only so; but I am amazed to think how I could possibly want such things to pass away time: For I now find the precious moments fly so fast, and my work so great, that I am often hard beset to know how to spend my time as God requires, between the immediate exercises of religion, public, private and secret, and the calling, in which God has placed me. I know the same God, who has bid me hear, and pray, and search the scriptures, has bid me work; and both in their place is my duty. And I find it very difficult to yield a uniform obedience; to give to God, what he requires for himself, and to the world, what is required as a duty, and no more. Besides

all this, my heart is so perverse, that I have enough to do to watch against pride, sloth, wanderings, formality, hypocrisy, and the temptations of Satan, who is always ready to disquiet me. All these, I find, are employment enough to take up all my time, without those former recreations. If I am cheerful, a song of Zion is more sweet and refreshing to me, than all the vain songs in the world ever were, or can be. And sure I am, whatever any may plead, that there is a time for all things, God never yet allowed time for sin.

O Lord, humble me for the bad example I have set, since I called myself a Christian; and forbid that any should ever again be able to plead my example for vanity. And oh, that all who name the name of Christ, may be enabled to depart from iniquity, and abstain from all appearance of evil! And if we pretend to be in Christ, oh that we may walk even as he walked! For I am persuaded, that the careless walk of professing christians, lulls more consciences asleep, when the devil, and flesh and blood set in to plead their example, than the vices of all the world besides, who make no profession. And oh, what a dreadful thing for christians to be the means of ruining precious and immortal souls, and diminishing that kingdom and interest, which they should be forever engaged to promote; and promote his kingdom and interest, against which they should always proclaim open war! Oh dreadful indeed! that Christ should be so wounded in the house of his friends! Lord, make me yet more circumspect, for Jesus' sake. But to proceed:

I still continued in very dark and melancholy circumstances, between hope and fear, afraid to conclude one way or the other. And having no opportunity to speak with Mr. Tennent again, I wrote to him as well as I could, briefly relating what I had experienced, and begged of him to try it by scripture rules, and judge of it accordingly, and give me his opinion: that I might not sin by deny ing the grace of God, if I had it; nor speak peace to my soul, if God did not. To which he returned the following answer:

"My dear Friend,

"I like your experiences well. They seem to me to be scriptural and encouraging; and I think you may humbly take comfort for them, and give God the glory of his pure grace. They who have been so humbled and distressed for sin, as to be divorced from the governing love and practice of it; and have been by the Spirit of God made willing to embrace the Redeemer deliberately, unreservedly, and resolutely, upon his own terms, have a sure interest in the great salvation. John i. 12. To as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name. And whatever involuntary defects they are guilty of, they shall not break the everlasting covenant between God and their souls. Though they have played the harlot with many lovers; yet they may return to their first husband. Though God may hide his face for a little moment, yet with everlasting loving kindness will he return. Though