Why you've the oddest wig on I ever saw; it looks just like one of my uncle's.

Maj. T. It is rather like one of his.

Sharp. It would be devilish odd if it wasn't.

Cla. But you had just written to say we should not see you these three months; yet the moment 1 read your letter, I said to myself, if that isn't one of my uncle's regimentals, never believe me.

Sharp. An odd thing for a young lady to say, on reading her brother's letter.

Maj. T. My dear Clarissa, this is a disguise. I had an affair of honour.

Cla. A duel?

Maj. T. Yes, with colonel Clifford.

Cla. With Clifford?

Maj. T. Yes; don't be alarmed; 1 received his fire, and fortunately escaped. Cla. How shocking!

[Rather agitated. Maj. T. Not so shocking, as that he received mine, and with some effect-my dear girl, was the matter. Sharp. Don't be frightened, miss; my master isn't killed, upon my honour.

Cla. I tremble for the colonel's danger-that is, I mean, for yours. Should any thing serious occur to Clifford-I mean to-to you-I should be most wretched.

Maj. T. I see, I see. In one word, you love the colonel. Well, you shall be a peace-maker, and heal the breach between us. But I wanted an excuse to come and see my sweet cousin Sophy, and gave the duel as an ostensible reason, to keep that shallow fellow, Mordaunt, whom I pretended to put in my confidence, from suspecting me.

Cla. But how could you be so cruel as to fight such a man as the colonel?

Maj. T. How could you be so cruel as to wound him in the heart, when I have only gently touched him on the shoulder.

Sharp. And a very awkward place to be touched on

too.

Cla. Well, you need not fear Mordaunt; for Sophy is going immediately to be married to

Maj. T. The devil!

Sharp. Rather a bad match, I should think.

Cla. And my uncle is gone to put matters in train for the wedding.

Maj. T. Is she at home?

Cla. Oh yes; she, and I, and the old housekeeper, make up the whole of the family.

Sharp. I hope our arrival will be a pleasant little addition to it.

Maj. T. I think, by candle-light, and an affected cold, and assuming something of my uncle's manner, I can pass on some of the family. But who is it my uncle intends for Sophy?

Cla. Your colonel-colonel Clifford.

Maj. T. Clifford! intended by my uncle to marry Sophy, my cousin?

Cla. And privately betrothed to me, Clarissa, your sister.

Maj. T. What's to be done?

Sharp. [Comes forward] If I might presume to offer a word of advice

Maj. T. Let's have it, Sharp.

Sharp. Let miss Clarissa go and inform the old lady that her uncle has returned without bringing the colonel. Cla. But why without him?

Sharp. Oh, make any common excuse; say he's killed in the duel.

Cla. Oh no, not killed.

Sharp. Wounded then, if you please, by a certain rattling, good-for-nothing major!

Maj. T. Puppy!

Sharp. Oh fie, sir! I didn't say so. In the mean time, I will pretend to arrive, covered with dust, with a letter from you, which you needn't take the trouble to write, proposing for your cousin to this, after some difficulty, you, as your uncle, reluctantly consent, and order the governess to prepare every thing for the

:

nuptials. In the mean time, I'll bring an order from his majesty, signed by myself, which obliges you, as your uncle, to repair to head-quarters.-You set out; leave your wig and square-cut accoutrements at the end of the first stage; return in your own hair and regimentals, in the character of yourself; carry off your cousin, on the supposed authority of your uncle; while he returns with colonel Clifford, recovered of his wounds, and only to be recompensed for his lost, rich bride, by a love-match with your sister.

Cla. If I was sure it would end so.

Maj. T. But what will my uncle say, when he does return?

Sharp. He'll give the word to charge, fire, and cut every body to pieces; he'll be in a most tremendous rage. You'll beg his pardon very pathetically; promise him half-a-score grandchildren, as like him as yourself; and he'll know you're too much of a gentleman not to keep your word.

Cla. The closing evening, aided by the two gloomy tapers, will assist your passing on our governess for the colonel.

Sharp. And suppose, sir, you were to have a terrible touch of the toothach; which will be an excuse for concealing your face, and disguising your voice; and to blind the old housekeeper still further, say you'll send to Mr. Snaggs, the dentist of the village, to have

it out.

Maj. T. Good. So now, Sharp, go and write my letter to my uncle, and my sister shall apprize you when to appear and deliver it.

Sharp. Ifly, sir; and I foresee the happy end of this spirited undertaking: you will marry your cousin, the colonel will marry your sister, and all parties will join to reward the active and ingenious man who conceived, described, and executed the brilliant plan of filling your arms, and his own pockets, with what we each have the most sincere desire for.-I fly, sir.

[Exit through the glass Door. Mrs. P. [Without] Where is Clarissa?

Cla. Here comes our governanté. Take an opportunity of sending me away, that I may communicate our plans to Sophia.

Maj. T. I begin to feel a little awkward.-Are you

nervous?

Cla. No.

Maj. T. If I had but your coolness.

Cla. And I your impudence.-But hush! remember my uncle is the most passionate, impatient, uureasonable, good-natured man in Christendom.

Enter MRS. PRUDENCE.

Mrs. P. Miss Clarissa, I have been looking for you all over the house.-What's that? a man?-Nay, stand away, miss, till I know by what right that person is in the house of colonel Touchwood.

Cla. A very common right, madam, that of a gentleman taking possession of his own house. Have you forgot my uncle?

Mrs. P. Bless my soul! your uncle!

Maj. T. Oh-h-h!-Clary, my dear-thunder and fire! why don't you go and fetch the laudanum, and [Disguising his Voice with affected impetuosity, and holding a Handkerchief to his Face.

be

Cla. That's right, swear a little.

Maj. T. Do as I bid you.-Oh, this horrible toothach!-Fly, and-oh-h!-send my daughter Sophy to me-march! [Erit Clarissa.

Mrs. P. Dear sir, what's the cause of your sudden arrival, and your coming so unattended and unexpectedly? and where's the colonel, who was to have married miss Sophia?

Maj. T. Oh-h-h! [Groans ferociously] this infernal face-ach!-My arrival is what I did not expect myself; and the colonel could not make it convenient to come, because he's killed in a duel.

Mrs. P. Killed in a duel!--I shouldn't wonder but your reprobate nephew, the major, has done it.

Maj. T. Oh-h-h!-I don't think so ill of the major as you do.

Mrs. P. But how did you come, sir?

Maj. T. In one of your-oh-h-h! gunpowder and perdition! send for Mr. What's-his-name, the dentist; I'll have it out.

Mrs. P. Patience, sir, patience.

Enter HARRY.

[Rings.

Harry, do you go directly to Mr. Suaggs, the dentist, in the village, and bid him come back with you, to cure a gentleman who has a violent pain in his face. [Exit Harry] It's a sad cold you've got, by coming in the diligence, sir.

Maj. T. Well, but how's Sophia?

Mrs. P. As usual-whining, and pining, and moping, and sighing for that wicked man, your nephew, your

honour.

Maj. T. Delightful! [Aside. Mrs. P. She's nineteen years old; and before you thought of a husband for her, it's odds but she had made choice of one for herself.

Maj. T. And if she has-ob-h-h!-by the powers! [With delighted Warmth. Mrs. P. Nay, do not be angry till you're certain.— See! here she comes.

Soph. Yes, 'tis he!

Enter SOPHIA.

Mrs. P. Miss Sophia, don't you feel delighted at your father's unforeseen arrival?

Maj. T. My dear Sophy, come to your-oh-h-h! Soph. I have heard, sir, that the colonel is

Maj. T. Yes, he is indeed; that is-my dear Sophy, tell me frankly, did you love the colonel?

Soph. No.

Mrs. P. And you did love?
Soph. Yes.

Maj. T. Who?

Soph. A very impudent young man.

Mrs. P. It's that rogue, the major.

Maj. T. Ay, that rogue, the major. Is he not a rogue?